im failing school and i dont know what to do

[Casper]

hey, my name is casper. im a trans man in an all female catholic school and im in year 10. i have audhd, depression, gad, ocd, and im sure some others. i like to draw and i like anime, and i want to be a voice actor or a 3d animator. lately im been close to failing every one of my classes. I do have support from therapists and friends, but lately its been the same thing over and over "ypull get better! it takes time! you need to put in more effort!" when i cannot really do those things. My parents are somewhat supportive, my dad is very strict and doesnt want me to go down the same path he did, he scares me, and my mum is trying to support me mentally. i do try to do work with the support i have, but i just cannot motivate myself, i can barely get out of bed or do basic hygiene some days. even with all this support i have im still getting worse and i dont know whats wrong with me. ive tried to go to homework classes but i cannot do anything. i recently failed digital tech, which is one of the only things im good at. i think im also developing some form of psycosis or something, im staring to see and panic over things that just are not there. i feel invalid because i dont think ive even had trauma, i had a normal childhood. ive been having suicidal thoughts almost daily but i cant act on them because im scared to hurt someone even though it seems that no one cares. I feel like im going crazy and no one understands me. i just want to stop doing school all together and just stay in my room forever. i dont know what to do anymore, i feel useless, if anyone can, please help me

[Croix]

Dear Casper~

I'd like to give you a warm welcome here to the Forum and hope the experiences of others and how they coped will be a help.

You sound a sensitive, caring and able person stuck as I was. Life has handed you a very hard time on several fronts, here you among friends who understand.

Some of your experiences I have had too. Suicidal thoughts that kept rearing up as my life seemed to get harder and harder. Wanting to drop what I was doing and stay at home alone was very much a temptation which I did, even getting up and showering was too much at times as was changing clothes.

All the things I was interested in and good at lost their appeal and when I did anything I just went through the  motions -a big change in performance.

I ended up diagnosed with several things including depression and GAD, and it turned out the depression was - for me the main thing dragging me down.

The GAD made me imagine things, things that turned out badly.

It was no use people saying "it will get better", or "try harder", it didn't and things kept getting worse. The fact people did not really understand made me feel alone and a failure.

It took me quite a while but eventually I told my psych exactly what was happening to me, and even my suicidal thoughts (I found that a very hard thing to do). This was the start of improvment. I cannot say it was that quick, however wiht medication, therapy and hospital (I'm not suggesting you need hospital, just that I did) my thoughts, energy and ability to enjoy got a lot better.

Nowadays, being on the right medications - which took a fair bit of trial and error - I live a good life, true sometimes depression comes back, but is not as bad. I've not reached out to Lifeline or other crisis centers for a very long time and manage using a safty plan whenever suicidal thoughts start.

I have a job I enjoy and no longer want to stay in my room, I look forward to what I'm going to do.

Can I suggest you seek assistance from either your current therapist or another, and be open and not hold anything back. It was the start of my recovery and I'm hoping it can be the start of yours. If you have not done so already visiting QLIFE can be a help. It is well worth looking around and even trying their counseling, they do understand.

You know you will always be welcome here and in our other section Sexuality and Gender identity

Croix

[therising]

Hi Casper

I'm so glad you've met with Croix here who has written such an incredibly supportive post that is truly inspirational. It can make such a huge difference at times when finding someone who can relate to how we're feeling our experiences in life.

While my 19yo son is diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum and my 22yo daughter's diagnosed as being on the ADHD spectrum, they'd both be able to relate to some of what you're experiencing. One of my daughter's biggest triggers involve the words 'You just need to try harder'. This tends to make her want to scream. One of the things all 3 of us have discussed is the idea of 'Who am I from a mental perspective, physical/chemical perspective and a natural perspective?'. For example someone could say

• 'Mentally, I am partly my beliefs. If I am able to change my beliefs, I change. I am partly my inner dialogue. If I learn to master my complex inner dialogue, I change in the process of becoming a master. I am partly that computer/processor up there in my head (my brain). If I come to understand how it works or why it refuses to work in the ways that I need it to at times, I come to understand its abilities and limitations'
• 'Physically, again I'm partly made up of that computer/processor in my head. I am also partly made up of chemistry or chemical energy of different types that run through it. A chemical deficiency won't let me do certain things other people can do who don't experience that same deficiency. With a chemical supplement, can I eliminate the deficiency/lack of chemical energy needed for certain processes'. With my daughter taking medication to help with ADHD, she speaks of the lack of mental processing as completely disappearing when she takes the medication. For her, she only takes it for her job because she struggles to function at work with a deficiency
• Naturally, my kids and you (I'm sure) have some truly mind blowing abilities that not everyone has. My son is a natural artist who loves drawing. Both my kids are naturally intuitive and I encourage them to access and develop the voice of intuition, as opposed to the kind of inner dialogue that can sound and feel depressing and anxiety inducing. They both have truly brilliant imaginations. My son thrives on a sense of wonder, sometimes to the point of distraction and the list of abilities goes on. Some of their struggles relate to the world not being geared in favour of such abilities. For example, when subjects at school are not taught through the imagination, a highly imaginative person not only struggles to learn but also struggles to focus on what they just can't imagine. As the work becomes more complex over the years at school, the challenge grows. Certain teaching styles can make things easier or harder. Both my kids struggled terribly with Powerpoint presentations and textbook learning, 2 completely unimaginative ways of learning

I can understand your frustration. When we 'just need to try harder' to imagine what we can't imagine or process what our brain just won't let us process, it can feel like tackling the impossible. Finding people or guides who can lead us to imagine and finding solutions that can lead us to function in the ways we need to, is a part of finding what works for us. In the process of finding what works, what we can end up finding are all the things that don't work. This can feel so incredibly disheartening. Unique and incredible people tend to need unique and incredible solutions, not typical ones that just don't work.