I was born a monster..

[RiverPeaks]

So to break the ice, and finally get this of my chest. 

My Grandmother attempted to kill herself because she couldn't have any more babies after her previous 5 children. 

Her husband came just in time to call the Ambulance and save her life. 

After this my grandmother's husband decided to do the deed with his own daughter - in which she agreed to go ahead with. 

That daughter is my mother, and my grandma's husband is my father.  

My birth is from the result of inbreeding and will forever be a burden on me. 

Yet I had no control over it, no opinion in the matter. 

Sure my father did it on somewhat "good" intentions. 

But once he proceeded with this, it's was no longer his problem. 

It was mine, a problem that will never go away. 

A problem that was always destined to make my life pure misery. 

That why I can never forgive him for what he has done, what SHE has done. 

My family is no longer a part of my life- and I like it that way. 

I cannot do anything about what has happened, but I can at least do anything possible to erase it from my memory.. 

The worst part of this burden is that I cannot tell this to ANYONE I care about.  

Picture this: 

You have a wife and kids. 

Your wife asks you, why you keep your parent's history a secret and why you keep refusing to tell her the truth.  

You told her "I don't want to talk about it", how does that portray yourself as a husband? 

You are suppose to be honest with the person you care the most about in life. 

But what if being honest, will be the reason for your relationship to fail. 

But at the same time, if you're not honest. 

Who's to say that NOT being honest won't also cause the relationship to end because of "trust" issues. 

How do you persist to live, knowing that everyone you love will eventually leave once they find out a secret that you have had no control over.  

I'm weak and distress, the thought of killing myself now is a common thought.

But, there is still a part of me that wants to persist. 

To take control of the opportunities I DO have a say over. 

To overcome this burden, and focus on the future. Not the present. 

To live a life with no regrets, no concerns and no more pain.  

But the path to happiness is a long travel - and giving up seems so much easier. 

I like to think of this being my first REAL step in making my goal reality. 

Addressing my problem, and getting other opinions on the matter. 

Getting another view on the concept will hopefully help me see this as something I can eventually overcome...  

This is a very sensitive topic for me as you all can probably imagine. 

But I know, if I don't express myself on this then I will not be around much longer. 

Please don't judge me on what I am, judge me on who I am. 

Thank you all for reading my story... Peace.

[MikeyC]

Oh, my....

I don't know of any possible words I can type here to make this any better. Probably nothing I type will erase what you know about your family.

I think you can still be secretive about your family and still be in a trusting relationship. You mentioned that your family is no longer a part of your life - well, to any future partner, tell her that. Tell her that you've sliced all ties with your family. Inevitably she's going to ask you about why you've done that, and, depending on the level of trust you have with her, you can tell her the truth, or just say that they're bad people and you'd rather not have anything to do with them.

Are you planning on having any children of your own? Do you believe that there could be some problems with the children if you do?

I'm not sure what else I can say here. Pursue the things you enjoy doing, whatever they may be, and I'm sure you can get some happiness out of that. In time, this burden may be a slight simmer rather than a raging fire in your psyche.

[Lillybell]

Hi RiverPeaks, it was heartbreaking reading your story. You aren't a monster, you are actually a hero in my opinion. To live with this secret for as long as you have and not be able to share it but still continue to live a normal life is something that I admire you for. You obviously have incredible strength despite the burden you've had to carry. It is hard to know whether you should tell your wife.  Maybe talking to a psychologist could help you decide what is best for you and to deal with all of the conflicting emotions you must be going through. My heart goes out to you. Please cling to that strength that you already have. It is there still. You've been able to find love and happiness and that is something worth fighting for. Your life has value and purpose. You are completely innocent in all of this and only deserve all the compassion in the world. I wish you all the best. xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi River,

First of all I love your username, if only because my inner Whovian feels like I am writing a letter to River Song. I'm weird like that.

Second of all, you are most certainly not a monster. You were born a person. I was  born a person. We were all born, regardless of who we are, who are parents are or the circumstances surrounding our birth, people.

People fall down sometimes. Everybody does.

I can't relate entirely to your story but I can tell you that while not a direct victim, my sisters are were sexually abused by our father. I am struggling with depression and suicidal tendancies at this point trying to process this information along with some other issues. So I can see somewhat where you are coming from. You aren't alone in this.

I fell down several times recently. Though it was incredibly hard for me, I called out for help. I hated having to admit that I couldn't do this alone, but I can't. I think with issues as large as the ones we face, no one could face them alone.

Could I ask you to re read your own post, particularly the latter half? What I see in your post is an intelligent person trying to deal with issues larger than they themselves can shoulder who is strong enough to say to themselves "I don't want to be a victim of this. I want to fight for my future." A monster would not say that. A person who has fallen down and is strong enough to reach out for help would. That's who I see.

Now I'm not saying it is going to be easy, my own experience has taught me that it takes fighting tooth and nail just to get to tomorrow sometimes. My own experience has also taught me that tomorrow is worth fighting for. I'm still here and I intend to be, no matter how many times I may fall over. Or how many hands I need to help me up again.

There are helping hands here. There are many on this forum willing to help you, even if only to listen to you vent and work your way through this. If you truly feel like you can't get up and these forums may not get to you in time, there is a number at the top of this page with people who are only too happy to help, in whatever way you need.

I also offer you hope. Both my sisters who went through this ordeal for more than ten years have only recently informed the rest of the family. As hard as my life seems right now, I can't imagine the strength it took for them to do that. I can't imagine the strength it took for you to post here today. Moreover, both of them have long term relationships with people who know about what went on, for much longer  than I have known, and who LOVE them all the same. Telling the people they choose to spend their lives with made their bond stronger for it. I still LOVE them. Knowing has only brought me closer to them.

One of them already has a child, a happy boy of two and a half. My nephew hasn't suffered for what my sister went though. He doesn't know now how strong his mum has beeen but in the coming years he will and I suspect, he will respect her all the more for it.

There is a future for all of us. We just need to fight for it and we don't have to fight alone.

So here's my hand, to help you up again if you'd like to take it.

GA

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

I don't think everyone will leave when they find out.  Maybe SOME people will? (It's possible).  Personally, I'd think "What the hell do I care?  I'm not gonna have babies with you anyway, so this new information about your genes has absolutely no effect on our relationship.".  I guess I wouldn't make incest jokes around you anymore.  That's about the extent of the effect this news would have on me, I think.  Has it happened to you a lot that people have left?  How old are you?  Have you told many people or are you just guessing what their reactions will be?

People have all kinds of weird stuff about them that I personally just see as "trivia".  Like.. a friend of mine has two mums and he collects lizards.  Another one was adopted, his body doesn't produce enough testosterone so he can't grow a moustache and has to take supplements, and he likes lego.  Another has a schitzophrenic mum and doesn't like Led Zeppelin.  2 friends are bipolar, that I know of, and they like Led Zeppelin.  4 have made suicide attempts, that I know of, and they all quite like cupcakes.  This guy I know is dating a girl whose dad runs a brothel.  This other girl's dad was a drug dealer, and she has some pet fish.  A friend's mum dated his friend from school, and is addicted to coke (-aine) and coke (-a cola).  My mum took off one day, disappeared herself to everyone she ever knew, and never came back, and she was a terrible singer.  None of this stuff tells you enough about people to know who they are.

[rabbits]

Hi there,

I think anyone who has an incestuous / abusive parent will at some time question whether they have a certain degree of monster in them. Unfortunately we can't control our parentage. That said, if your parentage were any different you would not be the same individual you are now. Who you are is linked to your parentage, and it is this person your wife met and fell in love with.

Without knowing your wife or relationship background it is impossible for me to predict how your wife will react. However, you know your wife better than anyone else. Is she loving and compassionate? Sensible and understanding? Is she prone to panic or does she take life's challenges with serenity and strength? Have there been other moments when she has had to respond to unexpected news? How has she responded?

I can understand your fear at having to tell your wife something you find so devastating. I had to tell my husband the extent of sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my father (hence a few sexual hangups). I also didn't know whether he would be disgusted and walk away. The thing that helped me was remembering why I loved my husband in the first place: his unflappable nature, his kindness, his support, his gentleness. Remembering these things helped me to predict his response (and he was wonderful about it).

I can't advise you to tell or not to tell, that is something only you can decide. But I will wish you the best of luck.

[Juliet]

Hi RiverPeaks,

I feel like this is such a good first step in dealing with this. It seems as though you have come to a crossroads and now is the time to take care of this once and for all.

I do have a theory which I'm just going to blurt right out I hope that's okay 🙂 ..

As you say, which is better? to risk your relationship by telling or by not telling? The way I see it is that in not telling your wife you are pretty sure there will be a trust issue and also you won't feel good about yourself as a husband for not telling the truth. These are things which you are pretty sure about.

On the other hand if you do tell her the fear is that you don't know what her reaction will be and that she may have a bad reaction. This is something you are not sure about. (and fear may have you underestimating others ability for love and understanding).

Even though it will be hard going I can tell that you are more than strong enough to get through this.

I think talking with someone before you talk with your wife will be the way to go so that you can sort through your feelings and be in a good frame of mind for how to move forward.

Good luck RiverPeaks, you deserve to let this go.

Juliet

[geoff]

dear RiverPeak, thank you so much for talking to us, and I just can't imagine what you have to deal with, all because an old man took advantage of your mother, although she did supposedly agree to it but I'm not sure if there was any coercion involved, but let's not go down that track.

You are brave enough to not see your family because if you do then this particular incident will always remind of this.

With regards to your wife you are caught up in a corner, because by not telling her anything will mean that she will always be asking you, so it basically boils down to a trust issue.

As much as you don't want to tell her, and I would be in the same boat as you, then you may have to make up an excuse, and I know that trust is involved here, but can you say that your parents were awful to you while growing up, and this is true, and for what ever reason you say will depend on how many questions your wife asks you, but I would just hover around the outside in telling her, but not the actual 100% truth, if you know what I mean.

Your post is a very disturbing one, and it's one that you have had hidden within yourself for such a long painful time, not being able to talk to anyone, and this would have compounded your problem.

Please stay with us because at last you have found a site where there is no criticism, and no putting anyone down, just a bunch of people who have suffered from all types of depression who love replying to people who need someone to talk to.

We would love to hear back from you. Geoff.