Dearest Alexis123,
Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal with us, welcome to the forums. I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. I've been there before, and I understand how lonely depression can be. Everything feels like a chore, the self-loathing is agonising, and the urge to stay inside and avoid social interaction is overpowering.
Have you seen somebody about your feelings before? A GP, therapist, psychologist? They may be able to offer you some professional advice, if you would be comfortable opening up to them.
When depression becomes such a prominent theme in our lives, it's normal to feel an odd sort of comfort in the feeling. It's familiar. During my own struggles, it's important to me that I can break the cycle of familiarity, even just a little bit. Trying to go outside for a few minutes is one great example of how you can start to feel more comfortable breaking out of this cycle. It's so small but can be so impactful, breathing in the outside air and feeling it on your skin.
Socialisation can be hard to navigate for people who aren't struggling with depression and anxiety, let alone people who are. Be patient with yourself, and don't force yourself to interact with others if you don't feel like it's the right time. I totally understand the notion of pushing people away, I frequently do this when I'm at my lowest. On the flip side, opening up about your feelings (even if not entirely) to somebody who you love and trust can sometimes be very beneficial. They know you and your situation, and their insights may be valuable on your wellbeing journey.
Self-critical thoughts can be so intrusive sometimes. I perpetually struggle with my self-esteem, and I've found that a lot of it comes from my inner thoughts and the way I speak to myself. I challenge you, if you would feel comfortable doing so, to look in the mirror every morning or when you're feeling down about yourself and say three things that you like about yourself. Once again, it's a small gesture but can be quite effective over time.
We hope you can feel loved here in our community. We care about you and your wellbeing and want you to feel safe and supported. Hopefully you can find something within my advice that resonates with you, I'd love to hear more from you if you'd be comfortable sharing.
Take care, SB
