Depress and tired

[Rodolfo]

Hi, 45 years old and have depression with PTSD. I recently been diagnosed but always had a feeling there was something wrong.

last four weeks it has been really hard to the point I don’t want to live anymore as I feel I am a burden to my love ones!!

15 years ago I went through a roughly patch in my life and depression got me feeling like everything was my fault and tried to kills myself.

Now I started to feel the same, voices in my head and thoughts keep bombarding my head!!

Feeling lonely and sad…..

[Sophie_M]

Hi Rodolfo,  That sounds incredibly difficult, we’re so sorry to hear you’re going through it right now and in the past. Please know that the forums and our lovely community are here for you, and it’s really good that you could share this here.   Please remember you can talk to Blue Knot about this on 1300 657 380, every day between 9-5 (AEST). Their counsellors are experienced in working with people who have experienced complex trauma. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care.  The Beyond Blue helpline is here for you as well, on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat or email here. It can make a real difference having someone to talk to especially in moments of distress.  

  If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).   It also sounds like the Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning . You can even call Lifeline (131114) and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone. Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. It might take some time for our kind community to spot your post, but we’re sure they will soon be here to offer their support and understanding.    Kind regards,  Sophie M 

[yggdrasil]

Hi Rodolfo,

Thank you so much for posting on here. I'm sorry to hear life is really tough at the moment - depression and PTSD are really, really tough crosses to bear. 

I think the suggestions Sophie_M has made are excellent. I have called the various hotlines she suggested many times throughout my life and always found them helpful.

Another thing I found really helpful for dealing with the constant intense thoughts and emotions was something called "schema therapy". Basically it involves mapping out the common patterns of negative thoughts/emotions/behaviours hijacking your life, learning to recognise the early warning signs, and to challenge/address them before they get out of control. It's a very mainstream therapy used for "severe cases" in many settings.

Have you ever spoken to a psychologist about these sorts of issues? It sounds like you're seeing someone who has diagnosed the PTSD and depression. Is there a particular therapeutic approach you're trying with them? Most of these therapies involve "homework" sheets of some sort - at first I hated these but over time I began to see how useful they can be. Our brains can get really out of control really easily I think, and we have to build in routines that correct this. For a while, doing these sorts of "homework" sheets the minute I noticed my mood slipping became a sort of ritual, and over time I found it helped. 

Are there circumstances in your life right now that you think are causing the depression or triggering the PTSD? E.g. loss of housing/work/relationship? These are of course just as important as any psychological therapy you might consider. Please feel free to tell us more about your circumstances if you think it would help. All the best,

yggdrasil

[Rodolfo]

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.

[Rodolfo]

Thank you for your message yggdrasil

Today it was a long day and feeling drained.

15 years ago I was married and have two wonderful kids from that relationship.

Unfortunately there was an affair from her part with a person (friend at the time) which I found the hard way!!

That got me into deep depression and voices in my head started telling me it was my fault my marriage ended, it was my fault about everything and pretty much voices told me that every one would be better off if I was dead!

I started drinking a lot to the point that I was so drunk and fall sleep cause that was the only way voices would stop.One night those voices got me and went ahead and tried to end my life.

Got help at that time and managed to move on!!

Found a new partner and have a 11 years old with her!!

Unfortunately after 13 years of being together we have had our up and downs.

I have made mistakes and have apologise for them!!

About 5 weeks ago we had an argument and since then voices have return telling me I have ruined another relationship, I am not worth it, people would be better off with out me!!

We still together but I believe her feeling toward me have changed over the years!!

Since then I have seen Doctor and back on antidepressants and seen a psychologist twice and she believes I have depression with PTSD from my previous marriage.

Some stuff partner has said makes me think she doesn’t care but it is not her fault and don’t want to blame anyone but myself!!Been feeling really down and lonely,

[Rach_den23_]

Hi, that's so sad you feel that way. I think at least once in our lives we have all felt like you are right now, I know I have! But please don't think that ending it is the way to go, don't let a temporary situation end it all for you. Maybe try and meet new people, start a hobby or something. Also what I tell myself all the time is "Don't let your negative thoughts control your life" our thoughts are our own worst enemy 😕 just believe that good things are coming your way 🙂

[Rodolfo]

Thank you for your message, today it is  another hard day!!

Having all these thoughts in my head playing up and telling me is not worth it.

Time to put mask on and pretend everything is okay.

[yggdrasil]

It sounds like relationships ending is a major stressor/trigger for your depression. Was there something in your past (other than your last partner's affair) leading you to attach so much self-worth to relationships? It's pretty common for people to get self-worth this way, but it can be a risky as romantic relationships are so inherently fluid. I think it's great you're seeing a psychologist. I would suggest trying to see them regularly, e.g. weekly, while you're struggling.

I am more emotionally stable if I "diversify" where I get self-worth. I take part of my self-worth from work, part from friends, family and romantic relationships, part from hobbies, religion, volunteering etc. These things are associated with different groups of people and different skills, and its unlikely I will get negative feedback/outcomes from all of them at once. 

It's possible to get a handle on intense negative self-talk and feelings. For me this took much time and focus. Gradually you can learn to identify the early signs of intense negative thoughts/feelings and catch them before they spiral out of control.

The next time you notice intense negative self talk starting, it may help to write down the thoughts, and the emotions/behaviours you think are connected with them. It may help to look for patterns. For me, I found there were 4 patterns that recurred over and over again. In schema therapy these patterns are called "modes", and some patterns, like feeling "defective", or like a "failure", are extremely common. Sometimes these patterns begin as coping strategies to deal with past experiences, then mutate out of control, and it can be helpful to remember this.

The minute you find one of these patterns beginning, it may help to consider whether the thoughts/emotions are reasonable, i.e. proportionate to what has happened, and try to think of any counter evidence. I found once I start thinking a thought like "no-one wants me around", my brain would automatically hunt for evidence to support this view, and the thoughts/emotions would grow. I think this is similar to wanting to pick a scab on a wound. Instead, it helped me to do exercises like those described above. I think this is a bit like checking the bandage on a wound, and carefully putting a new one on, rather than picking the scab. You have to put new bandages on many times, and avoid picking the scab, for the wound to heal.

[Rodolfo]

Thank you everyone your kind words of encouragement!!

I am happy to read that you guys have found a way to battle this.

Unfortunately for me I can not the the light at the end of the tunnel!!

Feel sad and tired… and ready to give up!!

Many blessings and hope the best for every single one of you beautiful people!

[therising]

Hi Rodolfo

I deeply feel for you as you work so hard on managing the overwhelming torment that can often come with depressing internal dialogue. My heart goes out to you as you suffer so much.

Being a gal who's worked hard to analyse the hell out of depressing periods in life, at some point the topic of 'fault' came to mind. I'd thought about how most of us (myself included) are led to see something as being our fault, his fault, her fault etc. I'd never been led to look at it from the perspective of 'a fault' or a kind of crack in our foundation in some way. With our foundations being laid from the day we're born, by those who are responsible for raising us, how many faults/cracks come to be in those foundations? Not so obvious when we're young but the cracks can begin to show in adulthood. For example, in any evolving relationship good communication is a must. If we were never taught skills in good communication, this is a fault in our foundations that may eventually show itself. It's an inherited fault. May not be our parents fault either. Perhaps they inherited it from their parents who inherited it from their parents. The fault may stretch back over generations. We may come to be the first in a long line of many who finally addresses it.

'What is this fault I'm facing? Where did it come from? Why do I have it/experience it? How do I re-lay my foundations so that I don't have to live with it?' are just some of many questions.

Another factor can come down to nature. 'Am I not actually dealing with a fault, is this trait simply a part of who I am and it's perceived as a fault by others?'. Personally, with me being pretty sensitive, some may say this is a fault or a weakness. In my mind, it's not a fault but points to an ability. For example, if I can easily sense the depressing or enraging nature of something or someone to the point where I feel what's depressing or enraging, how can that be my 'fault' (being able to deeply sense what's there)? 

When it comes to fault/s, often it can be about recognising the nature of certain faults/cracks in our foundations. The challenge can be about re-laying foundations, as opposed to laying blame.