I should be happy, but there's a weight pulling me down

[TheBear]

So this is my first step in trying to get myself sorted. Today I finally admitted a lot of things to myself and said it out loud to my partner. I am on anti depressants as to begin with I was taking them for nerve damage.

 I'm 27 and have just found out that my fiance (we've been together for nearly 9 years, engaged for 3 1/2) is pregnant. While I am happy about this there's something behind the scenes draining me. It makes me angry and sad all at the same time, half the time without warning. 

 I'm currently dealing with a workers compensation claim. I injured my shoulder back in Sept last year, there was a lot of BS being thrown at me because there wasn't a diagnosis within the first month. Late Dec I find out there's a tear in the joint. This is when I noticed I had started shutting down to friends and family. I didn't enjoy most of my hobbies anymore More BS ensues with the surgeon, it took his office 3 1/2 months to book in surgery. I felt defeated during this ordeal, I couldn't do anything to make it or myself better.

 It's now 2 months down the track and I'm getting worse. I don't drink often, but when I have recently it's been to the point where my memory is patchy or I make myself sick. I have smoked marijuana for quite a few years, to begin with it was pain management due to an old injury. But recently it has been to become numb to my situation, it's easier to just not think about it than deal with it head on. My anger is getting harder to control and I have no idea how to deal with the extreme low/sadness I feel at the same time. I'm still shutting people and hobbies out, even my partner sometimes.

I don't want to burden them with my crap (this is how I see it) as everyone has their problems. But right now I'm drowning, my head is only just above the water. I know my situation isn't that bad compared to most, but it truly is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel whilst it keeps sucking you back into the darkness.

I have had a few suicidal thoughts, but now I have to get it together for my fiance and my future child. I still feel worthless, most people don't know about these issues as I'm the sort of guy to put on a brave face to try and help them.

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[White_Rose]

Dear Bear

Hello and welcome. Congratulations on your forthcoming fatherhood.It's a fantastic part of your life and one to cherish and remember. So you need to get well to do this.

You certainly have a few problems to contend with. My knowledge of WorkCover is not all that good, although I am aware of a few things. So I will discuss other parts of your post.

A frequent comment on this site is that the person posting does not have the worst troubles in the world. And that may well be true. However, it's not the point. You are struggling with your problems and other have theirs to manage. No one is more or less worthy than another. If you had to wait in line until until all the 'more worthy' cases had been dealt with you would never get help. There will always be people who have problems.

So accept that you have problems, you are a worthwhile person and you need help. It's not a game of comparisons. The other side of the equation is that it can be used as an excuse to defer help, spend your time trying to help others, only to collapse because you have not attended to yourself. And that helps no one. Grandma has spoken.

Now, are you in a union at work and if so why not contact them for help with your W/C claim? Failing that there is a W/C Ombudsman in each state although they go by different names. Qld = Fair Work Ombudsman,  NSW Ombudsman, Vic = Victorian Work Cover Authority, etc. Get advice and help from these organisations.

You said you are taking antidepressants so I presume you are in regular contact with your GP. Have you discussed this latest complication with him/her? It is important to do this. Your ADs may need to be changed to manage your depression. And you do sound depressed although I am not qualified to diagnose this. So I suggest you go to your GP and get a fresh diagnosis and possibly a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist. It is important that you get some professional help.

Look under the tabs at the top of the page and read all the information about depression. Download it or get BB to send you the info you want. When you are feeling down I suggest you phone the BB helpline on 1300 22 4636. This help is available 24/7. Or try Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Drinking alcohol is definitely a bad idea. Alcohol is a depressant and while it feels good for a couple of hours the after effects are bad. You will feel much worse after a night spent drinking than you were before you started.

Word limit almost gone. Write in again.

Mary

[TheBear]

Hi there Mary,

 Thanks for the reply. Being a father soon and unfortunately blowing up at my fiance are what made me contact BB today to try and get my life sorted. We made the announcement official today, so whilst we're getting plenty of congratulations messages, they feel hollow to me. 

You are right regarding to making comparisons to other people's mental health. But at the moment, I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this so I focus on other people. I want to help someone else as I'm helpless myself.

I'm not a part of any union for work.

I am in regular contact with my GP due to the WC claim. The ADs were for nerve pain to begin with but after my last visit he did say that he thought I maybe suffering from mild depression. I tend to not let most people know how I really am. As stupid as it sounds, I shouldn't feel like this as if makes me feel less like a man.

Even tonight when we had friends around, I put on my "retail face". I can pretend to be happy and laugh, but on the inside I'm hurting. I hate myself for doing it but I don't want them to think less of me.

[White_Rose]

Dear Bear

Thanks for your reply. I'm not sure if it helps but so many people put on a mask in public to hide their feelings. It is such a common occurrence in those with depression. Having been there and done that I do understand and appreciate your feelings and thoughts. There are two major difficulties with this.

One is that it takes an enormous amount of energy, both physical and emotional to keep this mask in place. It really drains you and takes away your ability to heal.

There second part is due to the general ignorance of most people about depression. This illness has been demonised so much that people are afraid to admit they are depressed because of the social repercussions. This is one of the reasons I urge you to read and learn as much as possible about this condition.

If you look at the BB home page, under the Mind Matters pictures you will see a row of titles. Click on the right hand arrow to bring up the second set of pictures, then click on Man Therapy. You may enjoy the comments. Explore that web site.

Another resource is the The Shed Online. Scroll down the home page and click on Men. On the right is a link to The shed Online and a bit further down is a publication called Dad's Handbook, A Guide to the First Twelve Months.

If there is a Men's Shed near you you may like to go along and chat with the guys about the meaning of life. Men's Shed exists for men to learn skills from each other and talk about life with each other. Women not allowed. Just put the name into your search engine. You will be able to see what is available in your area.

Please don't let the strong silent image stop you from getting help. There is no need to tell anyone about it if it makes you uncomfortable, though perhaps your GF should know. Just get help and get well again.

I get really cross at the social stigma of depression and it is pleasing that many well known male figures are admitting they have or have had, depression.

Helping others is great except when it is done at your expense. And it is the surest way to create further difficulties for you. You are not less of anything because of your illness. Would you think the same with a broken arm? I can almost hear your brain working on the"Yes but she doesn't understand" comment. I most definitely do having hidden my depression for a while until I fell apart at work one day. Not a good look.

Read up about depression. That may well help. As Dr Brian Ironwood says, "You may like pineapple".

Mary