First step - but scared

[kell7307]

Hi,

this is my first post on here, it has taken me awhile to build up the strength to do it. A little about myself, I'm 24 f & I have a wonderful supportive partner of 6 years.

I have suffered from depression for as long as I have known (I have not been to the dr to be diagnosed though but this is what this post is about), I also recently found out that both my Mum & Grandma had been diagnosed with depression. However over the last probably 6 months I feel that I am getting worse and worse.

Things range from its feels like someone is flicking a switch & I just turn from being happy to being instantly annoyed about something most of the time its very minor & this feeling can last for days, I get excessively tired even after having a solid 8-10 hour sleep.

Even something as simple as my partner not being home from work by the time I get home which is through no fault of his own (delayed public transport) which he is excellent at telling me about at the time it is running late, but I don't know why, I just hold it against him for days & its like I switch off, I have no emotion, I don't want him to touch me, talk to me, I don't want to watch any tv, hardly eat, & try to push him away in the hopes that he will give up on me & bring up every little minor thing that he may have done that week in the hopes of keeping the argument going.

I want to go to the Dr desperately, because as much as I don't show my partner any emotion during these episodes, it breaks my heart when he says that when he met me my good days were probably 80/100 but now he has recognised that they are at about 50/100 (I hope this makes sense) & he breaks down in tears saying that he just wants me to get help.

Another thing to mention is that in the past 18 months I have lost about 70kg, which I thought me being overweight was aiding my depression in regards to not feeling good about myself, but since loosing the weight my moods & feeling helpless/alone/down/suicidal/no strength to go on, seems to have only gotten worse. I am scared to go to the Dr for the following reasons:

- I don't want them to put me into a clinic & don't want to have to disclose any of the information in regards to my mental health to my work
- I don't want the medication that they put me on to make me worse
- I also do not want to put on any weight due to the medication 

If anyone else had the same concerns as me before going to the DR I would love to hear.

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[Doolhof]

Hi Kell7307,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the Community here.

Congratulations to you for having the courage to post your story here.

I am certainly no expert on depression, just a fellow sufferer. It certainly sounds to me like you should go and see a Dr. about how you are feeling.

You mentioned that your Grandma and Mother were diagnosed with depression. Maybe seeing how they coped or did not cope with depression is making you feel apprehensive about seeing a Dr regarding your mental health.

Okay, I get that, but just think for a minute that caring for people with a mental health issue has changed so very much since your Grandma was diagnosed.

I suggest you make a Drs appointment and ask your partner to go with you, he can join you for your appointment.

Unless you are really out of control or desperately requiring full on care, the Dr. will not place you into a clinic.

Yes you may need some medication and yes it may take a while to find the right tablet and dose for you.

Or the Dr may recommend you attend some counselling and you might not need medication at all.

You will only know this after you have been to see a Dr.

Here on this Beyond Blue site, they have a list of Drs. in different areas who can help especially with mental health issues.

I usually ask at the medical centre if the receptionist can recommend a Dr who has training with mental health issues.

Just think, if you thought you had diabetes for example you would go and get help. Mental health issues are the same. With a little bit of assistance, you can become well again.

See Dr. have a chat and let them know how you feel and what has been going on.

Hope some of this has been of help.

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

[Polka_Dots]

Hi there,

Good on you for taking the first step. It's not easy and takes a lot of courage. I've suffered depression for about five years and I know it can be daunting.

For the record, flipping out about little things is normal. I dropped an orange this morning and started bawling all the way to work. 

I recommend going and seeing a GP you trust, maybe with your partner. Book a long appointment so they can take time getting you a mental health plan and referring you to an appropriate therapist. 

I am not a doctor, so take what I write with a few big grains of salt but I don't think they will put you in a clinic if you are managing to function to some degree in daily life- you seem to keep a job and personal relationships. It's not productive to have you in a clinic when the whole point of treatment is to to teach you how to  cope with day-to-day challenges. Clinics are for if you need a more artificial environment to cope and to get in a position where you can face the outside world. You probably come into contact with more depression patients than you imagine as you go about your daily routine. 

As for medication, they may try without medication to start with and see how you go.  I am very scared of the medication so I've turned it down for a milder substitute until I am ready to take them- after all they can't force you.  But it has worked wonders for some of my friends.  

Work: No one will tell your boss without your consent except in extreme circumstances. And you only have disclose in certain cases- like if your condition will affect you doing the job. Usually I have found it easier to tell my past bosses myself quietly (Even if it's a hard conversation to have). It made it easier to call in sick  on my bad days when physically I was fine. However it depends on your work. My current boss is one of my least favorite people so I have kept it quiet- which is harder in comparison to my last few jobs where I told. 

Good luck with your journey and don't worry about flipping out over the little things. I started bawling when I dropped an orange this morning (my neighbours are still confused). You're not silly at all. We're all human. 

[kell7307]

Thanks Mrs Dools for your post 🙂

Yes when I first opened up to my mum about how I was feeling about a couple of months ago (I've lived in a different state to her for about 6 years) she told me that both her and my Grandma (her mum) were on medication but only a mild amount just to mellow them out. I think I get my overthinking from them. My mum also suggested that maybe it runs in the family so that is perhaps something that I should mention to the dr as well.

That is true about the comment you made in regards to the clinic, I guess I am just thinking of the worst case scenario as I have a friend who suffers from depression and every time her Dr makes a change to her medication she seems to end up in a clinic.

Its just a daunting thought of going to the Dr because I don't really know where to start. My partner has said he really wants to come with me because sometimes I play down how I'm feeling but he can see it better than anyone so he can probably explain it better seeing it from the outside.

But yes, I will make an appointment, see how I go and hopefully I can start to feel like my old self again.

Thanks again for replying, have a good day 🙂

[kell7307]

Hi Polka Dots,

Thankyou for your post, its good to know im not the only one who flips out over little things.

Do you think the Dr will make me go and speak to a therapist? The thought of talking and opening up to even more people about how I'm feeling when most of the time I don't really know myself kind of puts me off going and seeing a Dr to begin with type of thing but I understand that it might be a necessary step to help myself get better. I'm also self conscious about going to be Dr and possibly breaking down crying, do they expect me to? Do they not expect me to?

Yeah I think the clinic thing is just a fear of mine, I function fine at work, I have a great manager and get to manage my own work load and I have very little to no interaction with other people at my work due to the role I have which suits me great, so I'm not moody or taking things out on the people that I work with which helps, so I have hardly ever called in sick (only 1 day due to a headache) because I know when I wake up if im not feeling great then I can still push on with the day with very little people interaction. But I still feel cautious about telling them as a couple of months ago I was really low, and I thought my job was the problem (I had only been at my current job at that stage for 4 months) so I got a new job and quit the job I have now, went to the new job and only lasted a day before I rang my current manager up and asked if I could come back, which THANKFULLY I was able to do, she hasn't held it against me or anything like that, its actually like I never left, but just telling her something like that so soon after coming back, I don't want it to be uncomfortable. It took for me to do that to realise that my job wasn't the problem.

I'm scared of medication because as I mentioned in my first post, I don't want it to make me worse. At the moment if I know im slipping into an episode I can calm myself knowing that I can go to work, not deal with anyone, and be at the very least okay, I think im just scared that if I go on medication and it does in fact make me worse then I don't know if I could control myself if something were to irritate or upset me. But I guess these are all concerns that I can raise with my GP.

Thanks again for your reply, hopefully I can speak to my GP soon and they may be able to suggest some alternative ways of coping or dealing with things.

[geoff]

dear Kell, hi and thanks for joining the site where at times it's not easy for people to tell us what is concerning them.

It is always daunting having to go to your doctor even after you and he/her get on well, because the fear of what you think they may say is rather scary, true, but is it easier to contact a tradesman because you have a leak on the basin, and when he tells you that 'you didn't turn the tap off properly', so do both of these generate an embarrassing moment or is it only one of them.

That's not for me to decide on, but if I can't finish the work that my boss wants done by 5 pm, I have to tell him/her, or perhaps the boss wants to see you in his/her office and this could be for any reason, maybe a compliment, then we have to brave it.

I know the anxiety level is shooting through the roof, and there could be repercussions fair enough and probably happen, but perhaps if you were on a low dose of antidepressants or whatever the doctor suggests then you maybe able to handle it with a bit more confidence.

They will only start you on a low dose, simply because of your apprehension, but I want to reiterate that doctors have so many patients that come in suffering from depression, each person has a different story, but they are worried that unless you accept their help, then it is only going to get worse.

I have only mentioned these other circumstances simply because all of us have tasks that we wish we didn't have to go through, and I know they are so hard to achieve, but it's a hurdle we have to jump over.

By no means Kell am I having a go at you, I support you 100 % of the way, and hope that you can get the strength to make an appointment. L Geoff. x

[Polka_Dots]

That's OK Kell

Like I said before, ask if you can go medication-free at first and then if it's not working then discuss your options when you get your referral updated. I'm too scared at the moment so they've put me on something natural in the interim until I come to realise I need it. Speak to your GP about your options. And really don't worry about it if you cry during your appointment. You will not be the first or the last. I've had a bawl fest in the medical office a few times myself. 

Yes they probably will recommend therapy (they can't MAKE you do anything except in extreme circumstances- which yours is not), especially if you don't want medication. Even then, therapy helps you try and minimize or fix things by giving you skills and awareness, whereas medication can't do that. It's why I suggest booking a long or double appointment so they can write you a referral. And it might seem daunting to speak to a therapist but a good one will have the skills to get you to feel relaxed and slowly open up when you are comfortable. My therapist lets me talk about trivial things like, like my favorite TV shows and my pet for a while, just so I learn to feel comfortable with talking to people. You won't have to tell your life story in the first ten minutes. And if they see they're entering a no go area they'll back away. Go to the first appointment and if you don't click then ask for another referral. For me the worst bits about my treatment are getting the guts to book the appointments. Once I actually start I wonder why it was such a big deal. A clinic seems highly unlikely in your case at the moment as you are functioning well. 

As for work don't feel you have to tell straight away. I never have. I've always waited until I've felt comfortable with the boss, which is usually about six weeks to three months. And only if I think it will help me. Like I said, it's not a requirement but keep it in mind as a tool that may help you in the near future. You might not even be the first person in the office who has shared something like that with her. She sounds like a great and supportive person (wish she could share some tips with my boss) and could really be another player in your corner. 

Good luck!

[kell7307]

Okay, so yesterday afternoon I did something which is very unlike me and I actually rang 3 different Dr's - I don't have a normal GP that I go to, I used to but a couple of years ago due to a totally unrelated issue they really stuffed me around on medication and I ended up at the hospital due to uncontrollable bleeding so that in itself kind of put me off doctors.

I tried 3 due to one being near my work, one being near my home, and one being near the gym I go to which is also near my home. I walk to and from work which takes me about 45mins (it would be the same on public transport) so I thought the one near my work would be perfect, but turns out they had the rudest service so hmmm not sure.

The first Dr's I rang the receptionist was lovely, but they were booked up months in advance and were only available 1 and a half days of the week.

The 2nd one I rang they were nice as well but the mental health specialist GP's were totally booked up as well.

And finally the 3rd one, I asked if they had any Dr's that specialised in mental health and the lady laughed at me and said no....but they all have patients who 'clearly have mental health issues just by looking at them'. Not sure if anyone else has dealt with anyone like this but I sure don't feel comfortable going to a place that is happy to talk about their patients like that. Maybe she was just having a bad day, and I would like to hope that the other receptionists there don't have the same views as her (she was an older lady, I had looked up their website before calling and when she answered she gave her name).

So I guess for the time being that's that really.

[Doolhof]

Hi Kell,

I really am so sorry you received the answers you did from the phone calls you made. The last lady certainly was not at all professional in the way she spoke to you on the phone! Oh dear that was shocking.

Even though it seems to be very difficult for you to make an appointment, please don't give up.

Do you have any friends who can recommend a Dr to you?

When you do manage to locate a Dr. then don't worry about what happens once you are there. You may cry and you may not. I sometimes laugh because I am so nervous, or feel like I am going to wet myself...so crying is a better option than that. Ha. Ha.

Do you know there is a web chat you can use here at Beyond Blue? The details are here somewhere. I am not very good with computers nor how to direct people to different areas of this site!

I have used the web chat before. It is all anonymous and you just "chat" like in an email to a person who can offer you advice and ideas, but they are trained to help and assist, not like all of us who are just trying to help each other out.

Oh yer, you and Polka Dots are not the only ones to crack at the smallest of things! I do that really well too!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Polka_Dots]

Good on you for taking the first step! Sorry that it didn’t work out. That last receptionist was terrible. Please feel free to complain to the practice manager about it if you want to because she needs to be told.

Please, please, please with a cherry on top and sprinkles don’t give up. I found getting into the system the hardest bit. Once you’re in it’s so much easier, even when you need to update your referral.

Ring the all clinics in your area and see if they are taking on new patients. You don’t necessarily need a mental health GP for a referral, it’s just a bonus. Thing is some of the old school GPs find this area alien to them so that’s why it can be good to get one. But see if there is a young GP at your clinic. They may not have a full patient base yet and with the remodelling of university courses based on the latest research, all young health professionals are getting more training in meeting patient’s psychological needs. Larger clinics may have more capacity to help you. Also ask who your family members use as a GP. You don’t have to tell them why but the clinic may be more likely to take you on if you say you are a relative.

My other little trick is to ring a clinic near work the minute they open on a day you can step out of the office for a bit. They usually open up a few appointments for that day on the day. Sure you won’t get a long appointment but you will be in the system. You may be able to talk to the GP about the process and be able to book in a longer appointment for next time. If they are feeling really nice they may even do the referral but don't count on that because it does take a bit of their time. Some bigger private clinics are also easier to get into on weekends or may even do walk in appointments on a Sunday.

If you're finding it hard ask your partner or your mum to make some of the calls for you. 

If all else fails there are walk-in bulk billing clinics. Even if you have to wait a while they will see you. Thing is they may feel pushed for time with a waiting room full of people and sometimes the therapists they used are booked up for months.

Keep trying and being brave! Once you're in it will be a weight off your shoulders!