I’m so depressed

[Sadman]

I’m a 40 year old man with a wife and daughter. I’ve been depressed since I was a teenager and have a lot of anxiety also.

a couple months back I had to stop going to my workplace of over 10 years because the workload became overwhelming and on top of that i had to work closer with the company director who walked around like a tyrant constantly criticising, abusing and threatening jobs.

i made a complaint to HR and logged a claim with work cover due to a psychological injury. (I have worked my whole adult life with depression and anxiety but still managed) my workplace dismissed all my complaints and work cover rejected my claim as nobody backed up my account of events. (This hurt as a number of us were going through the same thing and I saw one of my work mates come into work in tears)

I work in a field that doesn’t have a lot of jobs out there. I have no confidence in my ability’s to learn anything new and make enough money to support my family. I’m so miserable and don’t want to be alive anymore. I don’t know what to do because everything feels hopeless and despite my wife being very supportive I feel like a burden to my family. I’ve been seeing a psychologist since I stopped working which helps in some ways but everything still feels so hopeless. I don’t enjoy any of my hobbies, I don’t want to see anyone, I’m not a fun father anymore. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel and I don’t know what to do. I don’t think anyone can help me

[Sophie_M]

Hi Sadman,   Thank you for sharing this with the community. Such a long time to be carrying depression and anxiety. So understandable that you’re feeling worn down and hopeless after everything you’ve been through.

I want to gently acknowledge something important you said, that you don’t want to be alive anymore. I’m really glad you reached out and put this into words here. Even though things feel unbearable right now, your life has value, and you matter to your family far more than you may be able to see through the weight of depression. Feeling like a burden is a very common part of depression, not a reflection of your true worth as a partner or a father.

It’s a positive step that you’re seeing a psychologist, even if it doesn’t feel like enough yet. You deserve more support around you during this time. If things feel especially overwhelming or unsafe, please reach out for immediate support. Lifeline is available 24/7 on 13 11 14, and Beyond Blue counsellors are also available any time on 1300 22 4636 or via webchat. You don’t have to be in crisis to contact them, they’re there to help you hold this moment.

You’re not weak for feeling this way, and you’re not beyond help. This community is here with you, and you don’t have to face this alone. We’re really glad you posted.

Take care,
Sophie M

[Illbeok]

Hello. I have to say you are really amazing that you stayed in the workplace for over 10 years under pressure & the narcissistic dictator, while you'd been depressed & having anxiety! That tells me that you are way more resilient than me and much stronger person than you think. 

Do you think you lost confidence ever before mostly because of the experience with the previous job? When I was young, I got bitten by a dog (I later got to know that the dog had bitten many people before me) and lost tip of my finger. Since then I believed that all dogs hated me and wanted to bite me, and I should not ever have a pet let alone a dog (looking back, dogs often barked at me because I was so afraid and behaved oddly  and that made me feel like I am a bad person). You'd think it was just a dog bite but I lost confidence in many other aspects of my life because of that. I work in a field that doesn’t have a lot of jobs out there. Sorry I don't know what I want to say exactly from this but I just think that not many people would have survived at your workplace so long like you did. Please keep posting here.