I have a very limited grasp on what other people are thinking.

[DW_]

Someone once said that, "it's like he cannot concieve of another person's thoughts" and it hurt alot. And  it's honestly true. I've always struggled to describe the people around me. Even my family or best friends. Its hard to describe anything about them other than surface level traits. I struggle to understand people's motivations. Why do people do things? what would my friend do in this scenario? what would they say?

I don't see anyone as less than me, if anything, I feel like the opposite is true sometimes, though I'm trying to get better at telling myself its not. And I've found that I don't dislike people either. I think that they're cool, I like when people have strong passions especially if its music and hearing how excited they get. I like seeing people in their element, and I like the things that people make.

But I don't always trust even my closest friends. I suppose that, my logic always has been, "I dont know what they think of me, so I have to assume the worst in them so that when they leave me it wont hurt". I've hurt and pushed away the people around me because I thought that I couldn't trust them, that they were out to get me, and even when I did trust them, I just burdened them with my constant worry that they were going to abandon me or were trying to hurt me. And I'd lash out alot. I never understood the toll that my actions took on them and I just refuse to forgive myself for hurting them.

I don't talk to many people at the moment. I try not to have any real conversations. I talk to my family but for the most part I spend my time in the library doing Uni work and I try not to spend much time at home. I'm looking into roles after uni that could be meaningful so that I could at least try and be useful to the world in some form if im still alive, but i worry I dont deserve a chance. Right now I have one friend who I talk to consistently and I enjoy it. I like playing Limbus with the guy. But i'm scared that if I keep hanging out with him I'll make his life worse.

I always tell myself that even the most evil person in the world can do the right thing if they just choose to. It may not change who they are inside, but at least someone benefits right? But sometimes I think that I might be broken if I cannot comprehend what people are thinking. If understanding other people is a part of being a person, can I really even call myself human? I don't know. Right now I dont even feel like this body is mine. I dont feel human at all.

[therising]

A very warm welcome to you at a time in your life that comes with a sense of self questioning. The quest to know ourself better naturally comes with questions, some which may seem rather torturous at times. It's very much human nature, such self questioning, therefor you are very human.

While I know a variety of people, I find they all tend to tick somewhat differently. While some share similar traits, they still come to life with different experiences. For some, they have had to learn to read people (their thoughts, expressions, feelings etc). This may have come about through a sense of self preservation or they have, by choice, wanted to learn to do it for one reason or another. With others I know, they can't read people all that easily or have little interest in doing it. Reading people and not being able to both offer certain abilities. For example, 'matter of fact' people (who are largely concerned with facts) don't let other's thoughts or feelings get in the way of the facts. This gives them the ability to be brilliant problem solvers, when emotions need to be put aside. This nature can come with certain social challenges though, especially when those around them are deeply feeling people or rely on others to gain a sense of their thinking or thought processes.

Sometimes the question can be 'Is it nature or nurture?' when it comes to how we tick. I think it can be a bit of both at times. While it may be in a person's nature to be a 'matter of fact' kind of person (as this nature may go on to serve them as a person of science, research, analytics, math etc), a sense of intuition or the ability to read people may not have been nurtured while they were growing up as a kid. Their parents may have not felt a need to address it. It's not until it's deemed a 'problem' that such a lack of nurturing in this area is addressed. It's never too late to learn to read people. There are a variety of different ways of being able to do it. I should add that others need to take a sense of responsibility at times. While people may like us to be able to read their thoughts and feelings, sometimes they need to make their thoughts and feelings much clearer. Clearer communication can make things easier for everyone involved. 

Btw, it can be much easier to forgive ourself once we come to better understand our nature and the reasons behind why we tick the way we do. 🙂