I feel like I'm letting people down

[heather92]

Hi,  

I'm 22 and have been suffering from depression for a bit over a year. I've had a tendency to get down on myself since high school but basically I had a big professional opportunity get cancelled due to circumstances completely out of anyone's control which acted as the major trigger. In the month or so following I moved back to Sydney from Brisbane leaving behind a group of friends who were around all the time and moved back in with my parents who had just decided to get a divorce. So I basically went from an amazing living situation to a really toxic and unpleasant one, and I couldn't move out as I was unemployed.

Around the middle of this year things started to turn around - Dad moved out and got his own place in May or so, I got a job, and I am hoping to have another chance at the opportunity I missed out on this year - although there is still a chance it will fall through again. I had a few sessions with a counsellor who suggested I try St John's Wort to help with my depression and it worked well for me. But there have been times when I forgot to take the pills for sometimes extended periods of time and during those periods I get really frustrated with myself that I even need to be taking pills to feel happy. Does anyone else who's taken antidepressants feel like this?

 When my depression first hit last year it significantly impacted my studies - I scraped through my exams but ended up not submitting a major assignment that I needed to finish my degree. I lost all motivation and I am still suffering from that now. I tried to take one subject this semester and have had no motivation to study at all. I'm so angry with myself because my parents have been so supportive of me while I have been studying and I feel like I'm letting them and myself down and I'm worried that my poor performance is going to impact on my post uni options. I haven't told them just how much my studies have been impacted because I feel so ashamed.

 I don't really know what to do.  I just feel... lost. My self esteem is at an all time low,  I'm questioning my ability to pursue the career I want and just feel like I'm failing the people I care about.

[white knight]

Hi heather, welcome to beyond blue forums

Thankyou for a well written post. I think your perception of depression is short term whereas many sufferers accept it as a long term even lifelong illness that requires correct management rather than expecting cure. Hence relapses.

You've let your parents down but there is no purpose in worrying about that now. Move on.

You might need to focus just on your self esteem. And take any opportunity to return to your life in Brisbane if possible.

Some threads might help. Use search.

Who cries over spilt milk?

Getting depression into perspective. Please read this it might help YOU

What life can be like at the end of the tunnel

Depression - is there any positive

Being positive - what's the secret?

Take care.   Tony WK

[geoff]

dear Heather, depression and all the up's and down's it provides us with during our life.

I'm sure that most of us wouldn't want to have to take antidepressants, or with you St.Johns Wort just to keep us going, but unfortunately we do, and if you have been taking them for a certain period of time and for some reason we stop, then yes, it does create a sudden jolt to our brain, so we need to keep taking them.

You can't go through life trying to please people, sure you can appreciate what they might have done, but you can't live your life based on what they expect you to do, because it will never work, we all have our hiccups, and these could be for many reasons.

Even when any of us feel on top of the world, so to speak, we have to keep our self-esteem active, but it's even more important to try and build our own when it's low, but this can be difficult especially when we are suffering from depression, simply because we don't give a damn, because the thought of doing this is extremely too difficult.

So can you google this and see what you think 'how to build self esteem when depressed'. L Geoff. x