More bad days than good...

[JustTiffanyxo]

I'm finding that I am having more 'bad' days than 'good' at the moment.

If I get too overwhelmed or even angry, I cry. Sometimes hysterically. It's like I have no control. My actions (the crying) doesn't convey how I'm really feeling. It makes me feel weak. It makes me hate myself.

It feels like I'm stuck in this huge hole and I can't get out. You know? I nearly get to the top and then something happens and I fall back down again. 

But that's depression isn't it? Nasty thing it is.

Oh well. Just writing down thoughts.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi JustTiffanyxo,

It is good to hear from you again and I am glad you are able to share your feelings with others on here.

I think many of us on here draw strength from knowing that our feelings and challenges are more common than we know and that seeing other peoples progress may provide some encouragement. I know it helps me.

Sorry you are having the bad days. I guess you know that there are some things you can do to help improve your mood, like exercise, healthy eating, not drinking too much and not using illegal drugs (sounds like a healthy lifestyle! Doesn't it?) but I also know that finding the will to do any or all of them can be difficult.

Snoman mentioned on another post that even going for a walk for two minutes is good, and he is right. Starting the activity is where many of us, myself included, often fail. Once you are out the door you are likely to do the whole half hour walk or visit a friend and so on.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. I'll look out for your posts. Don't forget the webchat and 1300 number!

Kind regards, John.

[White_Rose]

Hello Tiffany

Yes, depression is the pits!  Sorry you are having a bad time. As John said, sometimes it's good to know we all go through the these horror stretches and that we are not strange and different. Trouble is, knowing about others does not necessarily get us out of the hole.

I have just spent the most horrendous weekend crying etc, Before that I was having a fantastic time believing my depression was begining to go away. Still, I am starting to have fewer bad patches today and actually do something. Today I bought some new light bulbs. Necessary as well as symbolic. I took a piece of my just completed embroidery to be framed for my granddaughter for Christmas and went to see my GP. Not a bad morning's work for someone who could hardly get off the settee yesterday.

Swings and roundabouts! Or perhaps seesaws. I wonder if I say that because I feel like a child at these times, wanting my mother to 'kiss it better'. Wish it was that easy. But it's not and we battle on with our individual wars.

I heard a speaker the other day tell her audience that depression made you a stronger and better person because she had faced all the problems of depression. I was quite disappointed with her. It may give you insights into all sorts of things but I for one would trade being ordinary if it meant I did not have depression. But maybe she had a point. So many creative people seem to be vulnerable to depression. Perhaps we should persuade the world that they are the strange lot by not having depression and therefore unable to enter into the world of creativity.

I wonder if that will ever catch on.

Sorry Tiffany, just rabbiting on instead of talking to you. I just don not have any answers anymore. How do we pull ourselves up and actually climb out of the pit?

I hope your days will improve soon. I feel a little better by venting on BB and I hope you do as well.

Mary

[geoff]

dear JustTiffany, the hidden pressures that depression has on any of us is enormous, it can even make us cry with an ad on TV, maybe a cartoon or some thought that we continually have in our mind, it's just like a jack hammer pounding away non stop, that's depression.

How can we help ourselves overcome depression or is it a trial and error, attempting to do anything that we feel could help, or does it just happen by accident, perhaps it's all of these, but are we forced or encouraged, so many questions and too many answers which vary from one person to another.

I do believe that yes we do become stronger, but in a completely different way, our attitude changes, we are able to go in another direction feeling comfortable, or to ignore people that once dominated us in what we say or do, or maybe say no which once before we could never do, so there are many personal ways which each of us can now do where once before it was impossible.

So it takes small steps, not large ones because we may trip up, and if this happens we go backwards, so it's a day by day proposition.

Take care and please keep in touch. L Geoff. x

[JustTiffanyxo]

Thanks for you reply Mary.

One thing I like about BB is that I can sort of 'forget' about my problems and throw myself into someone else's. I'd much rather deal with someone else's problems than deal with my own. That's probably where everything comes undone. I don't deal with my stuff until it's too late and I'm too overwhelmed. 

I had a performance appraisal thing yesterday and everything was good. My manager was really good, and started saying how impressed she is with my work, considering I am only out of university for 12 months.She began saying all these really nice things about me and I cried. I cry whenever someone says anything nice about me, why? Probably because I don't believe them. Don't believe a single word they say. 

One of my 'goals' is to 'give myself a break and not be so hard on myself both in the workplace and in my private life'.

The thing is, I don't know how to do that. I only know how to be extremely self critical and beat myself up about things... Think how I should have handled it.

We got broken into a few weeks ago.  It had been ridiculously hot nearing 40 degrees so I left the back door open when I went to work. The back door is a glass sliding door with a security screen sliding door and a little doggy door down the bottom. The house is surrounded by 6 foot fences so I just flicked the little lock over and 'locked' the screen door and went to work, figuring everything would be ok and the dog could go in and out as she liked. Later that night, whilst at work, received phone call from my partner saying we'd been broken into.

Instantly, I blamed myself. I had left the door open and not properly dead locked the back door.  Instantly I thought it was my fault. I thought I was doing something nice for the dog (she's my fur baby is probably is too spoilt).

Anyway, that's one thing where I was too hard on myself.

It's almost like I'm programmed to be like that. 

[JustTiffanyxo]

Thanks Geoff. 🙂