I'm Not Sure If I'm Depressed Or Just Downright . . . Weak

[Breakeven]

A bit about myself before April/May 2014 -> I'm 22, I work full time in a call centre, the pay is really good, I have a loving boyfriend - soon to be fiance, I'm days away from picking up my first BMW, I go to church every Sunday, I go to the gym, I have about six loyal friends that have my back no matter what, I have a family that I love and would do anything for. I don't understand why even with all this I'm struggling to be happy let alone content. My dad works overseas in Iraq for a defence organisation in the counter terrorism field operations and intelligence division. He's been doing this ever since I was 7. My family and I only see him twice in a year and whenever he comes home - we drop everything to go spend time together as a family. My family and I are very close. Every time he goes back - I've noticed the same behavioural and psychological patterns. I don't feel motivated to go to work, I'm sick, I phase out, I stop caring about bills, commitments, my friends etc. Especially the last two months I've gradually started to take more  and more days off work. My dad visited the country and left four weeks ago. I've been off work for the past three weeks. Some days I pull a sicky when I'm not sick but not lately. I've had a cold, really bad headaches, bleeding noses twice a day, indigestion and days where I feel like my chest could cave in. Work used to be enjoyable. Church is now a time filler for my Sundays, I'm short tempered, emotional, easily angered, tired all the time, I cry about the little things, I'm insensitive, rude and just "whatever" with life and people. An incident at work that occurred in May2014 I know set me back a bit. I was one of the best in my role. I now doubt my ability to perform certain tasks at work, I stress about work and I'm cautious and anxious always trying to keep on the safe side in fear that I'll lose my job. I've cut some friends off because there was unnecessary drama and I don't have time for it. I'm confused. I don't know why I don't care anymore. I dont know why I can't force myself to go to work. I feel stressed, angry, sad and sick at the thought of going to work the next day. I don't understand why I have literally everything but I feel like I've got nothing but my family and my boyfriend. My family and I we all live in different suburbs, states, countries but even when I'm with my family i feel slightly happier but only because I'm not lonely. Am I depressed? Or do I just need to harden up? Help me 😞 

[white knight]

Hi Breakeven, welcome here to beyond Blue forums

The first thing that sticks out is your need to attend you GP and follow his recommendation.  Depression is a complex thing, we all have different symptoms. Anxiety similar. Your home life without your dad most of the time has had its negative results also. Your dad is likely to suffer all sorts of emotions as well. His lack of being a full time dad is far worse than picking the kids up every fortnight in the conventional non custodial situation. I know what that is like and he would have felt grief worse by not seeing you much. I feel for him.

Whatever your changes in your life that is likely some mental illness of some sort it is likely others will not understand you. Your old friends wont accept you back willingly regardless of your plight/diagnosis. Break two legs and they'll not only accept that, they'll carry you where ever you want to head. Mental illness is a different ball game.

Other threads that might help are-

DEPRESSION - a ship on the high seas

Use search. Also read up on the many other threads here.

Take care Tony WK

[White_Rose]

Dear Breakeven

Like Tony WK, I too welcome you to Beyond Blue. Thank you for telling us your story. The folk who post here will try to help and support you.

I agree with Tony. You need to see your GP as a matter of urgency. You have all the classic symptoms of depression and I would guess it is all tied up with your father's absence. But please do not take my word for it. I am not a doctor or psychologist, which is why you need an expert diagnosis.

All the the things you have described are what happens in depression.  Please take time to read the information sheets on BB. Look under the tabs at the top of the page. If you want to talk to someone phone BB. The number is 1300 22 4636 and a trained counselor is available 24/7. This person may be able to offer some immediate suggestions on coping.

This is a hard road to travel and you need all the support you can get. Your friends will support because they have always supported you. Get BB to send you some of the literature you find here, including the information for family and friends. It will help them to understand your difficulties.

I know the temptation to stay in bed and cry. It seems easier than getting up and ready for work. Please make the effort as often as you can. You need to do something other than let those thoughts chase each other round in your head. When you are forced to think of something else it does help. When you see your doctor, if he/she feels you need to go on sick leave, consider working half a day instead. I did that and found it much better. I was too exhausted to work a full day but staying at home was horrible so this was a good compromise.

You can get the rest you need and still have something else that takes your mind of away from the darkness. I shudder to remember how rude I was to people and offhand. Once people know you have depression they may be more understanding although I do not recommend letting everyone know.

Our insecurities and fears about how we feel just serve to send us further down the spiral. You are not alone in this so take heart. Once you get some professional help you will start to feel better. Please tell your doctor everything you have written here so that he/she can arrange the best care for you.

I hope you can let us know how you are going.

Mary