I feel as though it’s only a matter of time before I lose my job and everyone around me.

[Emilyp____]

So, this is something extremely new for me and makes me super uncomfortable (but I hope I actually post it).

I have suffered with severe mental health issues since I was about 13 or so and I’m now 22. I thought this would just be a “phase” and that O would “get over it” like so many told me, but that could not be further from the truth. I have not been able to work a full time job in a few years and I am currently only doing casual work. I’m grateful that I have a job especially during a time like this but I’m struggling to find the motivation to do anything, especially go into work. My family think this is a joke but have no idea what it’s like to wake up everyday and hate the person you are. Hate everything about yourself to the point where you just don’t care anymore. If I get out of bed I usually don’t want to talk to anyone because I already know that no matter what I try to say it will be disregarded and I will be told to “wake up to myself” or “get over it”. I feel like I’m going to lose my job because this week I just have not been able to physically move. It’s been like this all weekend and now it’s Wednesday I really don’t want to do anything except sleep all day. I don’t know what to do! If I try to talk to someone within my family (which is so difficult to do), they just think it’s because of covid etc or it’s just a phase, but I have been like this for most of my life and it really annoys me. I hate it so much. I thought my self harming would stop when I became an adult but sometimes I really can’t help it and that’s the only way I find a moment of relief. Nothing I do brings me happiness. I truly hate this. I can help others when they are in crisis, but I can’t do it for myself! I really hate this.

I apologise for being all over the place with that but I just have so much on my mind that I don’t know how to articulate things properly at the moment.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emilyp____,

We're so grateful you've reached out to us here today. It was very brave of you as we know these things aren't easy. The good news is you've found a safe, non-judgmental place and our community is here to give you as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

You may also find it helpful to reach out to our Support Service, which is staffed round-the-clock by qualified mental health professsionals. You can phone them anytime on 1300 22 4636. IF you prefer you can talk to them in real time by webchat from 3pm to midnight everyday via www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

Kidshelpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/-  is available to people aged 25 and under and offers both phone and webchat counselling 24/7.

Please keep checking in and letting us know how you're going whenever you feel up to it.

[Aaronsis]

Hi EmilyP____

I am so very glad that you have reached out here today for some support and some comfort, what you are going through is no joke and is mostly something that does not "just go away". I hear what you are saying in that you are there to help others and get you cannot do it for yourself..can I ask you what you would say to your dear friend right now if they reached out to you? I think maybe a trip to the GP to have a chat could be really valuable for you you, to share how you are feeling and to get some support here. If you find this process really daunting you could spend some time writing down how you are feeling, you could even show him or her this post as you have expressed yourself so very well. Then they can start the conversation with you, eliminate some of the pressure there.

I am so very sorry to hear that this pain is causing you to harm yourself. I a wondering if you could try some other things in your time of feeling so much pain that would help in making another choice rather than harming yourself? I started a thread where people have shared some things and I will put it here in the event that some of them might work for you, I hope dearly you can find something that works:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/instead-of-h...

Sophie M has given you some contact info for Kids Helpline who are just so very wonderful and I am hoping that you might put a call in to them to get some support, they have a web support service too if talking on the phone feels too much for you:

https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

Hating yourself must be so very hard to feel and I am beyond sorry that you are going through this, that those thoughts and feelings have distorted what you see and who you are. That you don't care about yourself anymore, well we care very much and are here for you to chat to and to get some of this hate out and off your chest. I hope too that you reach out to get some professional help too and that maybe your family can come on board to understanding and seeing that ill mental health is not a choice and not something you "snap out of" or "get over"...and "chin up" advice rarely if ever works.

Huge hugs to you and hope to chat some more to you

Sarah

[White_Rose]

Dear Emilyp

A warm welcome to you from all of us here. This really is a safe place for you to talk. Be assured no one is going to tell you to 'shape up or get your act together'. We have all gone through comments like that and know how painful it is to feel uncared for. To feel we are just a joke, lazy or any other descriptions. It's not right. I am so sorry you have had such a dreadful time.

May I ask, does your family know you self harm? If so have they asked why you do it or tried to stop you. It seems so lacking in care to have someone know you self harm and do nothing about it. Again I am sorry you feel this is your only relief.

Have you spoken to your GP about how you feel? I think this would be a good place to start to get some help. You will need to make the effort to see your doctor to get things started. I am surprised no one has suggested this earlier but maybe someone has suggested it. Can you tell us how you feel about this?

Do you know much about depression? I always feel we should be as aware as possible about the various illnesses we have depression is an illness not something we pretend about. Wh would choose to feel as you do r anyone else. Go to the top of the page and to The Facts and navigate from there to the various information sheets. You can also get some information from Get Support. You can download the fact sheets but must send for the booklets written by beyondblue. There is no charge. There is a booklet for family and friends. Perhaps if you got that and showed it to your parents or perhaps just your mother or any family member who does not put you down you may start to get some understanding. Get several copies

I wonder if there is anyone else in your family who feels like you. A very common way of coping with these feelings is to put on a mask and pretend you are having a good time. If someone else sees how you are treated they may be afraid to say they feel this way also. What do you think?

Please keep posting in here. I will look for your reply.

Mary

[Emilyp____]

Hi Sophie_M

Thank you for your response. I will definitely head over to the pages you suggested and have a read through.

Thank you again. Forever grateful!

[Emilyp____]

Hi Sarah!
Thank you for the heartfelt message. It’s definitely something that I needed to hear.
I have scheduled an appointment with my GP because I am self harming again. I have been in and off medication for years and have seen councillors & psychologist all to often. I try to tell myself that I don’t need the medication and that I can get through this on my own but that’s obviously done more harm than good. I have a really hard time trusting anyone so when I speak about this stuff it takes so much effort and I feel so guilty and ashamed after it (even if they’re my GP or Psychologist).
my immediate family know that I used to do it as a teen but are not aware that I still do it. They think the scars are from my teenage year and just look at them in disgust if I ever forget to cover them up or they respond by saying “why would you be so stupid to hurt yourself like that, it’s disgusting”. Which I get, not everyone understands it but it’s more of a coping mechanism I have.
thank you again! This is truly a new thing for me but I appreciate the support.

[Emilyp____]

Hi Mary!
Firstly, thank you for your response – greatly appreciated.
I think I touched on this in an answer above, but my family knew I did it as a teen (when I forgot to cover up). They don’t know I do it still and think the scars are from my teenaged years. When they have seen my scars they would just say things like “why would you hurt yourself like that, that’s disgusting” etc. I have scheduled an appointment with my GP and will probably end up back on medication. This is something that has been in my family for quite some time with my father and his mother suffering from MDD. I feel like over the years and just with certain traumatising events that have taken place over time it’s just getting worse. It’s really affecting my work ethic and life in general. I’m used to self isolating because I have done so for so long. I don’t have many friends either due to pushing everyone away. My relationship with my family is super strained.
Sorry that’s a whole bunch of ramble but as I mentioned above, I can’t think properly and have little to no effort to even try to D o certain things.

[Aaronsis]

Hi EmilyP___

It is great to chat to you some more and I am so happy to hear that you are going to meet with your GP, this is fantastic and such a wonderful start. I understand that it makes you feel guilty and ashamed, hopefully as you get some tools together to start your wellness journey these feelings will subside, the more you talk and share the easier it will be to talk and share and the path ahead does not feel so dark and lonely. You have nothing to feel ashamed of, this is not who you are and what you are about, this is an illness and I am just so sorry that it was not addressed more successfully for you earlier, and that you didn't have the full support of your family to make the start to wellness.

It must really hurt to have those that love you and those that you love look at you with judgement and disgust, but can I also say that they too probably feel some level of guilt as to why they could not help you, maybe they just didn't know how. It is really hard to see those that you love struggle so maybe it was their way of coping, to sweep it under the rug with "cheer up".

We can look forward now to your appointment tomorrow, as I mentioned if you feel like you will be able to get the best out of your appointment and communicate better if you write it all down, how you feel, your past struggles and anything you want them to know, so that they can read it and then start the conversation with you.

You are not disgusting because you hurt yourself, you are in pain and you are taking some wonderful steps to start to mend this relationship with yourself and hopefully this too will bring and end to the need to hurt yourself, as you learn to love the beautiful person you are, and see that with help and support these feelings can be addressed and you can live a happy life, that you deserve.

There is no shame in medication or reaching out for help, afterall that is why we have medication, to assist people. Unfortunately there is stigma attached to having to take anti depressants or the likes but if you had a headache you would take a panadol and think " gee that is good I will feel better soon", mental illness also sometimes requires medication so that we can get back to being our wonderful self.

I am so pleased for you that you have made an appointment EmilyP___

Hugs

Sarah

[Curleee]

Good on you Emily for booking a GP appointment.

I reckon "shame" is a common thought for me, with my mental health. I've been drilling down w my counsellor about this. It is amazing to realise that a lot of my shame stems from not vocalising upsets and for puahing down very valid feelings involved in human interactions. So just thought I'd share that. The shame might not be your full self speaking, rather a virus i call poor mental health..... it is not you..... be kind.

[White_Rose]

Hello Emily with a wave to Aaronsis and Curleee

Thanks for your various replies. They certainly clarify your situation. I am so sad for you that you have not received the help you need. Good for you making the appointment with your GP.

The sad thing about depression and anxiety is the way it robs us of our motivation to get well. So many people can relate to this. I remember when I was severely depressed how I just wanted to give up. Life was too hard and I was convinced nothing would ever change. Well it took a long time and lots of work but here I am. I will not pretend this journey will be easy. It will be better if you have support from your family. Did you get any of the information on BB? Can you show perhaps one family member and ask for support. I understand you are reluctant to do this because of past experiences but it is vital you start getting help and support.

How did you go on ADs in the past? Did they work well for you? Meds are part of getting well not the whole story. I believe you will also need some therapeutic assistance to get past this feeling of hopelessness. Curleee is quite right about shame. We are taught to hide emotions because they are uncomfortable for others and we end up feeling guilty about valid reasons for being upset. It is hard for others, who do not know how awful we feel, to get some idea of your pain and despair. Sharing information such as the BB fact sheets can start to break down these barriers.

Curleee, I think it's great to view poor mental health as a virus. We know how virulent the Covit19 virus is. Poor mental health is far more dangerous to our well-being in my opinion.

Taking ADs can give a boost to your motivation. They will take a few weeks to kick in but there will be a small improvement every day. Love to know how you get on with your GP.

Mary