I've fallen so far from where I was

[IceWizard9000]

Two years ago I was doing very well for myself. I'd pulled myself out of nearly lifelong depression. I managed to do this by a combination of factors:

- Getting on the right medication.

- Successfully quitting alcohol, drugs, and tobacco.

- Pulling out of bad relationships and cultivating new ones.

- Getting plenty of physical exercise.

I became so enthusiastic about exercise that I managed to become a hiking group leader. I was in excellent physical and mental condition at the time. I managed to find a wonderful girlfriend who I still live with. I managed to retain full-time employment and get a raise for the first time in my life.

However, a number of things happened and now everything is falling apart. A year and a half ago I tore a ligament in my shoulder, which has prevented me from doing any strength training since then. Last year I began to think that maybe I had successfully beaten depression and didn't need medication anymore. I stopped taking it and was off of it for six months. I stopped going on hikes or otherwise socializing much at all. I stopped visiting my family, and any attempts at visiting them since then have been extremely distressing for me. Towards the end of that six months I was diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome. This was another problem that was difficult for me to cope with.

I was due to have a colonoscopy and endoscopy in March to help treat my irritable bowel syndrome, but the pandemic caused all those appointments to be canceled. This was a huge setback. I thought I should start taking my antidepressant again. However, about ten days in, I had a massive panic attack and ended up in the emergency room. We switched to a new antidepressant that I have been on for about six or seven weeks now. Adjusting to it was extremely difficult and I missed collectively about two weeks of work. My employer has been very patient with me.

Lately, the next blow came when I injured my knee running a few weeks ago. My body is all banged up now and I can't exercise anymore. I have daily knee pains. I have to be careful with my shoulder when doing my manual labour job.

Everything feels broken. I have a broken shoulder, broken knee, broken tummy, broken brain. Yesterday I broke down and cried. I told my girlfriend I don't know if I can work right now. I got zero sleep last night. I didn't go in to work today and I think my employer is losing patience. Exercise was a major key to my previous recovery. Now, I don't know how to recover.

[Tay100]

Hi IceWizard9000

Welcome to the forums, we appreciate you posting here, we know it can be tough to do in tough times. We are a caring, non-judgemental space to seek peer support, navigate mental health, and to share your journey as you started to do.

Based on what you have said thus far, it can be hard to bounce back and show resilience especially after things were looking so sunny. Recovery and resilience seem like important things to you- I know it can be frustrating when you can't engage with things that kept you happy, healthy and recovered as you did before. Injuries suck like that. It sounds like you may benefit from developing some new self-care techniques that are suited and practical to the space you are in. Hydrotherapy, if you can manage it, can be a really great exercise for multiple physical injuries. If you'd like to brainstorm other ideas, please let us know. If you would like to have a chat about you are travelling here in general as well, please let us know. We are here to listen.

Sending kindness and healing,
Tay100

[Quercus]

Hi IceWizard and thank you for deciding to reach out here, it isn't an easy thing to do.

Reading your post felt like seeing some of my own feelings written down.

I manage depression along with IBS and an autoimmune arthritis. Like you being active is a coping mechanism I rely on. At my most unwell I could barely walk and it is almost impossible to explain to others how distressed and trapped this made me feel. Even now I am afraid of the possibility of being like that again.

Trying to manage depression with physical limitations and pain is incredibly difficult. When your wait for a diagnosis drags on it can start to feel hopeless. Have you got a new date yet for your colonoscopy and endoscopy or still waiting?

I can relate to wanting to isolate and stay home. IBS symptoms make it even harder to want to go out. Hopefully you find out soon whether it is related to Chron's disease and can start treatment.

This stage you're in is the absolute pits. Waiting and holding on is the worst. But please try stubbornly hold onto hope for yourself. I found when I started immune suppressants for my joints the IBS reduced dramatically and it was easier to cope with depression. But until the treatments started to work I fell apart entirely.

I'm glad to hear you have started antidepressants again. It is tempting to stop but so important not to unless the doctor gives the ok.

I wish I had advice but I can only empathise and hope for positive changes for you soon. I'm thankful to hear you have a supportive girlfriend. As to family rifts it's ok to want to be apart. Sometimes we need to focus on getting through one day at a time and there is no energy to deal with other problems.

Hope you can use today to rest and recharge.

Nat

[Emmen]

Hello IceWizard9000,

You sound like an incredibly resilient individual. Not many could have turned their life around like you did two years ago. Unfortunately there have been setbacks now that you're struggling with.

Have you considered other activities that you're interested in, that would be easy on your body? You also mentioned you've stopped socialising. Are there other people/communities that you would be happy to be a part of?

Setbacks are just temporary. You feel broken now in many ways, but you still have hope for the future because your body will heal. Hang in there.

Take care,
M

[White_Rose]

Dear IceWizard

Hello and welcome. It must be so frustrating to get on so well then get ambushed by a series of accidents. And now you have to wait until your body heals before you can get back to your exercise regime.

Exercise is great for depression or any other mental illness. My GP is always telling me that. It's true as you have found out. Some people believe that if antidepressants are working OK the taking twice the dose will work better and quicker. Not true. More likely to have the reverse effect. I wonder if this has been your thought with your exercise program.

You have obviously worked very hard at getting fit only to have all fall apart. May I suggest you see a physiotherapist, get some treatment and start on another exercise program. This time go a little more slowly and stay with the timetable your physio gives you. Please excuse me if you are already doing this.

You can achieve a level of fitness and stay there without problem, unless you have an accident which is different. There is often the thought that more is always better.

I will not say anymore at the moment. You have received excellent posts and suggestions from several people who can relate to you. Get back to us when you can.

Mary