I dont see the point anymore!

[GeoKen]

I'm 52 and would like to give you a brief overview of the unfortunate event of my life (FYI: This is all real and not even half of it). Don't get me, wrong, I have 2 fantastic kids and have had some really great times in amongst the crud.

I suffered from Sexual abuse as a child (11ish fuzzy memories), Abandonment by parents at 14, arrested and locked up for 3 months for joyriding in dads car at 15, serious car accident cutting jugular at 15, broke my neck 16, Married at 20/divorced 21.

Married again at 22 and was mentally and physically abused by (unstable) wife for 14 years. Both she and I were kidnapped, I was forced to run guns and drugs across borders while she was held somewhere in Nevada, USA. Lasted 4 months of terrifying experiences and threats.

Diagnosed terminal in 1996 with no chance of recovery (Change in diet and lifestyle...20 years on ...still here!).

My ex-Wife hired (seriously not kidding) someone to kill me and my new partner and child, was forced to flee Aust.

There's more but you get the idea, I'm a basket case that keeps having really bad things happen, but I keep smiling and keep trying. Soldier on, they say, Talk about it can make it easier, they say. Time heals all wounds, they say. But none of this is true. I have reached that point where I don't get why I should change to fit the world. I am angry inside, feel the world is unfair (and it is) don't see the point in playing the game according to the established rules of society. I just want to find somewhere to be! Somewhere to grow a garden and not deal with the BS of the real world. Money, in particular, seems to be the cause of a great deal of anxiety, depression and stress & I hate it.

Any suggestions would be great, But before you reply with "go see your Dr" or the like, I have for years but can't afford to go any more. Have no access to qualified professionals and those I did have access to were all spouting the same rhetoric, Talk, Drugs and Time. BS I say.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear GeoKen,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out and sharing your story. Which, I must say is quite amazing.

Sometimes it's almost a bit weird to look back on your own life and all the things that have happened. It's a miracle that we humans can survive so many awful things.

My own story is also quite full of significant trauma, and I often feel as though I am 'telling stories' rather then actually talking about my own life. For example, there is bushfires and resulting homelessness, car crashes, brain injury ........ and much more.

And yeah, like you I've been to doctors and mental health professionals many times over the years, and have found them to be helpful ..... but even so, they can't seem to 'cure' the world of all the nasty crap that goes on.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hear you. I know that many MANY times I have wanted to just pack a bag and run away. To not have to deal with people 'ever again'. But I also know that at some point, probably sooner rather than later, I would go mad with loneliness. I need people. And I have actually discovered that there are some nice, good people in the world.

I remember once going to see an inspirational speaker who said that one of the best things he ever did, was to stop watching the news. He said he tried it for a month, and actually noticed how much better he was feeling by not listening to, and watching all the bad stuff being shown and talked about over and over. It's almost as if the media just WANTS us to be traumatized. So yeah, I too no longer watch the news.

In saying that too though, another thing that helped was that I read about a conversation online one time between a mother and son, and her son was saying how distressing the news was, and her suggestion to her son was to 'look for the helpers'. Rather than focus on the drama or the horrid event, look for those that are helping. There are always helpers. And I thought 'Yeah, she's right, there are!'

You obviously have a lot on your mind and today are feeling quite overwhelmed with it all, yeah? Well you are not alone there. We all have days like that. And that's the beauty of a forum like this, in that you can come here anytime you like and just get it all off your chest. You don't have to carry that burden alone.

Maybe just try to remember this; "Just for today I will live through this day, this moment only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once."

Anyway, hope you feel better soon. Take care. xo

[TimH_]

Hi Mate,

I'm new to this forum and yours is the first story I've read.
Big compassion to you, I can see how you would conclude 'what's the point'.
And I'm not going to give you any advice other than take a look at the resources on this website, it's pretty incredible. You tube also could be a great resource, I've studied something called Acceptance & Commitment Therapy, which I really believe in. You can read a lot about that online.

You're a survivor and have a kid to inspire you. I hope you can find something or a reason to work through all this mate.
Best Tim

[JadeR19]

GeoKen,

i am new to this forum and this is the first one I’ve read.

Only knowing half of what you’ve gone through, can I say you are one strong person. You’re still here today, and that’s worth celebrating.

Try to come to peace with your past. It sounds like a horrible one, and yes life isn’t fair. But you are only 50 and you control the rest of your life.

Everyday is a new beginning. Try set up a local men’s walking session, you’ll find there are many men out there who may not have had the same past, but the same mentality.

try talking to the people in her on the web chat.

Maybe you could think about moving places. It won’t change the past or the memories, but it may help to move to somewhere fresh to live the rest of your life. - if this is an option.

i hope you find peace here in our world GeoKen.

[Fifirose]

Dear GeoKen,

I hope you realise how strong and resilient you already are to have survived what you have been through. Please remember that you are already a survivor and can overcome anything!

Best wishes to you,

Fifirose