Depression really does come in waves. I have my good days and my bad, I am currently in the latter. I have been feeling very lonely and yet my thoughts seem louder than they usually are. I feel like a burden to a lot of people around me and I feel like some of them are pulling away and I don't know why. I'm really insecure about my depression and anxiety, I just don't know how to open up to someone without them feeling like this is a "heavy" topic or that I'm burdening them.
I've noticed how negative I've been lately and even I'm starting to get annoyed with myself. I haven't felt this way in years and I thought I had it all under control, I want to go back to therapy but the idea of talking to someone or socializing with new people is exhausting. I've recently disabled my Instagram account and thinking of just slowly disappearing, I can't seem to shake the feeling but I just want to disappear.
Some days I honestly believe that I might, I might just really disappear and then I think of what would happen. When will they find me, who will make the call, how would they find me- ps: I live alone. On some nights I'll think that those thoughts were ridiculous cause I'm a wimp, I won't be able to do any of that. Then the self-hatred loop kicks in where I wish I was dead but I can't cause I'm too chicken and that I don't want to disappoint people around me but also is a disappointment already- it's a vicious cycle, really.
I feel tired but I can't sleep, I want to be with people who I care about but I don't want to cling to them. My family is not in this country and they don't know what's happening nor do we have that type of relationship where we 'share'. My head is always heavy from the migraines and when I'm out I have sudden moments where I'm back to that dark place, that's when I tell people "I'm just tired".
How to unload my thoughts without being a nuisance to those I care for? I've unloaded once and a few responded with "Just don't be sad" which honestly, made me feel even more worst. Some have helped and to ask for more help is selfish of me. Some can't take the intensity of the conversation and I don't blame them, It's not the lightest conversation. So, I guess that's why I came on to this forum. I hope someone reads this because honestly, I don't know where else to go...
