Conflicting emotions

Claire_4 · ‎30-11-2020

Lately I’ve been feeling so confused with my emotions. One moment I’m fine and the next I have this aching feeling in my chest and all I want to do is cry. Nothing has happened that can justify this feeling, so I keep it to myself because whenever I hint at even feeling down, I get asked "what happened? why do you feel like this?" and it makes me hurt even more because nothing happened and I don’t know why I feel like this. I don’t have a right to feel like this, people who have been hurt badly, have been through trauma, they have the right to feel like this, but why do I feel like this. And then there’s this "why me?", what a selfish thing to say, right, because it isn't just me. there’s about a billion and more people in this world who feel the same but even then, I feel like everyone else has the right to feel the way they feel but me. I grow up in a happy family, so what on gods earth do I have to be sad for, nothing.

I go through these phases, first I’m fine, then I fall into this stage of “blue” where everything I do feels forced and half-hearted and then I have this “reflective” stage and then back to the start again. And it seems like I’m doing fine but each time I fall into these blue stages, I seem to be falling deeper and it gets harder and takes longer to get out of. It's making me more tired and lately there’s this one question that won’t leave my mind. What is the point of life? or simply, what is the point? I have anxiety and the one thing I’ve been told is that no matter what you do, your anxiety isn't going away, it is a lifelong battle that you have to learn how to fight. And it's the same as this feeling. It is never going away; it will always be there.

And then I think about life in general. you wake up, go to work, then you go to bed and then do that all over again till you retire. put that plus these feelings of anxiety and depression. what’s the point? I just don’t get it. But at the same time, I could never just leave this world, because I know the pain that would cause my family. and there’s this quote I once read that comes to mind " Cherish every single moment that comes by ladies and gentleman. The day you wasted today is the tomorrow that someone who died yesterday so badly wished for." And it would just be even more selfish of me to give up now, when I don't know what the future might bring, and I have the luxury of a future whereas there are many who don't.
So, as you can see my emotions are conflicting. What should I do?

Sophie_M · ‎30-11-2020

Dear Claire_4,

Welcome to our wonderful, caring online forums community. We want you to know you've come to a safe and non-judgmental place where users give and receive support based on their own experiences with mental health, many of which will resonate with what you describe so well here. We want you to know we're here to provide as much support, advice, understanding and conversation as you need.

While the peer support offered here is often quick, it is not immediate.

ou can contact our Support Service for brief counselling, support and referrals any time day or night by phone on 1300 22 4636 or by email (replies within 24 hours) or webchat (1pm to midnight AEDT) via: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support or the quick links in the top right hand corner of all Beryond Blue's webpages.

Despite the name, Kids Helpline offers support for people 25 and under on 1800 55 1800. They also have 24 hour webchat if you'd feel more comfortable reaching out for more immediate support by typing rather than talking: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

Once again, welcome to our valued online community. We hope you reach out here whenever you feel up to it.

Gambit87 · ‎30-11-2020

Hi Claire_4,

Welcome to the forums!

I can relate to what you're feeling, I felt (and to an extent, still feeling) very similar thoughts and feelings.

Growing up id always felt a sadness and loneliness I could never describe (despite having a wonderful and supportive family, friends and girlfriends) but I felt I wasn't worthy enough to talk about my thoughts and feelings. I grew up in a time where mental health wasnt really a thing and you were kinda expected to just get on with it. So I just swept it under the rung, labeled it just a bad day and 'got on with it' - who would want to hear about my problems - theres alot of people who have it worse right? But these bad days turned into multiple days, then weeks and I felt like I was just a robot going through life. To be fair, I did have good days where the weight was taken off and I felt good! good about myself and good about life, then the bad days came back and hit me like a freight train.

I had the exact same questions about life as you do now. Wake up, go to work, come home, repeat, whats the point? Like you, I could never leave this world either. I love my family, friends and my beautiful girlfriend but living with the constant grey clouds and weight on your shoulders is bloody hard.

Then I had a break down... and as weird as it sounds - It was a blessing as it forced me get help. Turns out I have depression and anxiety, and with the help of my psychologist and opening talking about my struggles, I can honestly say my world has gotten alot brighter. The depression and anxiety are still there and theres days where I feel the weight on my shoulders getting heavier but the good days outweigh the bad now.

I encourage you to open up and talk about it, just hearing your own voice say it out loud can help.

See your GP for options and get a mental health care plan/referral for a psychologist. It may take time to find one youre comfortable with but a good psychologist is worth their wright in gold.

Self care - You are important. Take time out and focus on yourself.

Its bloody hard and you are right, it is a battle... But its a battle worth having because life is beautiful.

all the best! reply if you feel like it!

Claire_4 · ‎01-12-2020

Hey Gambit87,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me, it’s nice to be reassured that I’m not the only one struggling with conflicting emotions.

And your right, sweeping these emotions under the rug isn't going to help me get better, it will only make it worse and I should talk about before I myself have a break down.

thanks again!

Claire_4 · ‎02-12-2020

I had the most surreal synchronistic event happen to me yesterday. I was scrolling through Instagram and stumbled across this post, and it’s just what I needed to hear, and I thought why not share it here, maybe someone else needs to hear this too.

I'm not a religious / spiritual person or anything but its times like these that make me think that there might be someone out there looking out for me.

Be the Woman You Needed When You Were Younger

By @cindycherie on instagram

"I have lost count of the nights I’ve pleaded with the sky, confused by my heart, wondering why I’ve been allowed to experience so much heartache. As I grow in stature and wisdom and use the lessons I’ve learnt to help young women all over the word, I am only now just beginning to understand there is divine design in everything, even the seemingly dark seasons of life.
My nature continues to set me on a path I was destined to walk whether I feel adequate or not. If you ever question your purpose in life, look to your talents, your experiences, your innate abilities that make you, you. Your internal compass is ever-so-quietly trying to nudge you in the right direction."

Gambit87 · ‎02-12-2020

Thats a real nice sentiment and I couldn't agree more. I'm not religious but im a tad spiritual in the sense I think things happen for a reason, theres a purpose even though it might not be obvious etc.

I remember standing in line to get a coffee from my local coffee shop just after I had my breakdown feeling so sad and the owner came up to me, gave me a coffee and said 'its on me today, have a great day and I'll see you tomorrow'. I walked out and I cried.

Sometimes I feel the universe throws some kindness our way which make everything a little better. There has been days I have been feeling down and I see something, or hear something and its makes me think 'its going to be okay'.