I can't stop crying

[Fiatlux]

I can't stop crying at the moment.

The depression has been awful over the winter months but now I feel even worse and cry about everything. I feel so overwhelmed.

I am moving all my belongings from my escape apartment back to my old house, where I live with a son and my pretty awful husband. 

I have spent the past 2 weekends packing up and moving boxes back to the house. It's exhausting.

(my eldest son will move into my apartment so I will leave behind all the furniture and white goods)

I moved to the apartment just over 3 years ago to escape an abusive husband and it's depressing that I am moving back to that again. Our marriage is just a marriage of convenience. I stayed and suffered for the 'sake of the children' who have all grown up with this illusion of a happy family. The 'husband' does not change. He controls his anger most of the time, but the 'marriage' is dead. I have absolutely no Love for him at all. The entire situation is sickening and pathetic. It makes me cry all the time.

Thank you for listening.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Fiatlux,

Thank you for sharing this with us. We're so sorry to hear that you're dealing with depression and feeling overwhelmed about moving, having dealt with abuse from your husband.

You deserve to feel safe and happy with where you live, free from abuse. We'd really like to encourage you to speak to 1800RESPECT about this by calling them on 1800 737 732, or reaching out to them online here: 1800respect.org.au. They can provide counselling, information and support and will help you to work out your options. 

If you'd like to talk through what you've been feeling, and you're coping with the depression and crying, please know that our Support Service are here for you as well, on 1300 22 4636, or online via the Immediate Support button at the top of the page. 

We hope you know you're among friends here, and we're really glad you could be open about this.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Fiatlux

I feel so deeply for you as you face moving back to the house you'd left behind, in order to find a sense of peace. Being a mum to a 17yo boy and almost 20yo girl, I find that sometimes the things we do for our kids (in the way of serving them and their progress in life) can put us in the most challenging of positions. What you're giving up for your eldest son obviously involves far more than just giving up the apartment.

If you're feeling there are no other options other than to move back into the house at this stage, I suppose the question could come down to 'Who am I moving back in as?'. For example, are you moving back in as someone who sets clear boundaries when it comes to your husband's behaviour/nature? Are you moving back in as someone who uses the house as 'home base' (somewhere to sleep and eat while spending a decent amount of time living your life outside of home base)? Maybe someone who redecorates one of the bedrooms to reflect 'This is my little apartment inside of this house'. Perhaps you could moving back in while setting some solid direction when it comes to who you're going to develop yourself into, while you're there. For example, 'While I'm there, I'm going to work on bringing the adventurer in me to life more. I'm going to give birth to the painter in me or the writer in me. I'm going to channel more the part of me that dictates 'It's time to come to know yourself better than ever before, while coming to understand your self in the ways of mind, body and soul''. In returning to the house, will you explore opportunities involved in pushing yourself to begin going more outside the square in life? In summary, instead of feeling like you're going backwards by returning to the house, is it possible to see yourself returning in order to evolve like never before? Returning to being the person you were when you were there 3 years ago could become pretty upsetting, stressful and even depressing. To return as the person you're going to be is a different story.

If one of your sons is still remaining within the house, perhaps moving back in will offer an opportunity to redevelop a relationship with him.

Do you know what you want to achieve when you move back in?