How to like yourself when there is nothing to like

[Lindsay0581]

I don't think I have ever really liked anything about myself. I don't think there is anything to truely like. I am truely worthless. I was always the dumbest in school and university ( uni drop out - so much failure). I suck at sport. Have trouble communicating at times.  Have worked retail for maybe 20 years because, no office job would ever hire no matter what CV place/ job adivce, advancement I have tried. And I have begun to hate customer serivice with a blind passion. I swear being good a good customer service whatever is really just letting people treat you like crap. I will never earn enough money to be a true equel partner in my my relationship. People - even people who know me well can never tell me what I am actually good at, or just say I am kind which is some patronizing consolation prize for being an idiot. Mostly palitudes cause they don't know what to say. Oh she's dumb but at least she's nice about it. So many pysgologists and councilers just get me to talk in cirlces becuase at the end of the day I am me and that is never going to change. A pysgologists once told me that I should congratualte myself cause I get out of bed in the morning. The whole thing felt so patronizing.

So I still don't understand what is to actually like.

[quirkywords]

Guest

Welcome to the forum. I can relate to not liking myself and finding  it hard when people  say positive things about me. 
I know when I was depressed  I saw everything in tones of grey. 

I like the way you have been brave to start a post. Now  I am being honest . Many people read on the forum only a few start their own thread. 

Has there ever been a time  when you could like something about yourself. 

[therising]

An incredibly warm welcome to you at a time in your life that sounds so intensely challenging in a number of ways. 

As a 55yo gal, I wish someone had said to me in the beginning 'One of your tasks in life is to discover as many facets to yourself as possible'. Unfortunately, without that kind of insight, I came to believe I was this somewhat one dimensional person who had a lot wrong with them in a variety of ways, for quite a number of years. It's only been in the last 5 years or so that I considered how to come to life bit by bit, one facet at a time. In the process, I'm also discovering who I am not or what facets of me either don't exist or fail to thrive under certain circumstances.

For some of us, the student in us will only come to life when there is something absolutely fascinating worth studying, otherwise nothing's going to wake or reawaken that part of us and have it lead us to thrive. For some of us, the sporty facet just isn't there because we're not geared for sport and maybe even detest any form of competition. It's just not in our nature. When it comes to any form of public service, the last time I worked with the public was when I was 20. I felt it largely as depressing and enraging. I admire anyone who can work with the public. Personally, I don't know how they do it. I remain amazed. So, if we're not a natural academic under most circumstances (not all circumstances), not a natural sports person and not someone who naturally loves getting out there serving the public, who the heck are we? I've found other people or certain challenges/situations will have a tendency to bring out the best in me or bring certain facets of me to life. Such factors gradually reveal my nature to me. This form of 'coming to life' can be one hell of a grueling process at times, to say the least.

To offer a handful of examples. You could say

• I know it's in my nature to be an energetic person because I've learned that when I go through seriously low energy periods I feel such periods as depressing. When I go through energetic periods, I thrive. I love that natural energetic part or facet of myself 
• I know it's in my nature to be a bit of a comedian because when people bring the comedian in me to life I'm thoroughly amused. I love the comedian in me and how it leads me and others to feel
• I know it's in my nature to want to adventure or add ventures to life because I've learned that when life has that 'Groundhog day' feel to it I become quite down. I love the adventurer in me and I love the people who bring that part of me to life
• I know it's in my nature to be a 'feeler' or 'sensitive' because when I can feel or sense accurately I'm thrilled or excited. When I can feel or sense a person's nature or the nature of a situation and what I feel or sense turns out to be spot on, that tells me I'm naturally intuitive. I love the intuitive part of myself

I could go on but you get the gist. I've found it's about falling in love with parts of myself that have come to life or have been brought to life. When some new facet of myself comes to life or reveals itself, I tend to think 'I had no idea I had that in me'. I cannot love a one dimensional sense of self but I am thoroughly in love with certain facets of myself.

'At the end of the day I am me and that is never going to change' is a thought provoking declaration. We could say, 'I assume to know me, based on my experiences, my beliefs, my emotions, my perspective, the way I appear and function physically and mentally. I assume to know me, based on a whole stack of stuff'. But what if we've only recognised the tip of the iceburg? What if the truth behind who we really are, who we naturally are, goes deeper and is gradually revealed by the parts of us that are champing at the bit to come to life? The question then becomes 'What part of me is screaming for me to bring it to life through the challenge I now face?'. Perhaps it's a part of you that does not like psychologists and sees the solutions beyond basic psychology. Maybe it's the positively intolerant and liberating part of you that's screaming 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STILL DOING IN THIS JOB? Search for the job that's going to free you from the public's insanity'. Or maybe it's a whole different part of you calling for your attention. 

[Lindsay0581]

Thank you for the kind words. I was angry and almost ranting at myself. No sadly I don't ever remember even liking myself. Even though I was loved by my family. I was always the weird vague dreamy kid who spoke too fast and was smart enough or couldn't engage. I don't know. My brain doesn't really work the way it is meant to.I know that put a lot of people off. There has never been anything right about me. But that is just how it is and I need to get over that.

[Lindsay0581]

Thank you for your kind words. I apologise for yesterday I was angry and ranting. I appreciate all of that. But at the end of the day at 44 years if I can't get a job that isn't retail, that isn't changing. I'm just not smart enough. I making too many mistakes, not precise or attention to detail or anything else that is needed. I know what I love and what engages me but I don't have the capacity to be able to communicate my love for books, movies and history in any meaningful way. It's unfortunately how my brain works. I hate the way my brain works and I don't think I will get to a point where I will like or accept it because it produces nothing and is very lonely. But I am who I am and nothing will change that. I need to get over myself. But thank you

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Lindsay0581,

I just want to say, even though you may struggle to see that there is anything to like about you, that I like you already. Why? Because your brain works differently. I was also the weird, vague dreamy kid. I am university educated, and yet I have struggled to work in anything other than low paid jobs in my life. I think some of us are just square pegs in a round hole and the way we are oriented may not fit the structures of mainstream society or what we perceive others expect of us.

At the moment, I am reading the autobiography of Cyndi Lauper and I am really enjoying it. She was unable to study because her brain just did not work that way. She really struggled for many years and worked in jobs where she struggled to function to perform the tasks or was treated in a demeaning way. She recognises now that she has ADHD but that was not a known thing back then. She was a dreamer but she just kept following her intuition. Another person I think of is the filmmaker Ang Lee. I remember seeing an interview where he said he was down to $20 in his bank account at one point. He is also a dreamer but he managed to turn his unique mind to his advantage, and eventually make a career from it.

You and I may not get to be successful pop musicians or filmmakers. But our different brains can actually be a gift. I love that you love books, movies, and history. There may still be a way for you to pursue those interests but it may be in a roundabout way that you have not yet thought of. There may be avenues for you with freelance writing in your areas of interest, or starting some kind of small business on the side that involves your interest. For example, I license some of my photo images as photography is my creative thing. It is fulfilling for me to do that, and it only provides a tiny income at the moment, but I am at least doing something that is in alignment with how my brain naturally works.

I totally get how difficult it is with a different brain. In all of the jobs I've done, I struggled to follow instructions or did things back to front. I'm someone who frequently dissociates every day (total dreamer). Simply organising tasks and planning is a real challenge. I know that I am neurodivergent, both ADHD and likely some autism in my case as well. I have not pursued formal diagnoses because of the cost and not being sure if it is worth it. But I do have a supportive psychologist who is understanding about my brain. I am wondering if you have looked into whether you may be neurodivergent in some way and if that is a factor? I also wonder if you have just not found the right help with counsellors and psychologists yet? There are ones who are much more oriented to working with people who are neurodivergent or have brains that think differently - usually ones who understand because they are similar themselves. And that is another important thing, which is I think it is important for you to find your tribe. There will be many others out there just like you who you feel like misfits and have struggled to value themselves.

So, anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in how are you feel and I am certain that you are absolutely someone of value and that there is much to like about you. Feel free to share more about your interests in books, movies, and history if you would like, or just chat more if you'd like to.

Take good care,

Eagle Ray

[randomxx]

Hi there Lindsay. Saw your post the other day and wanted to say hello when l got the chance- you struck a cord and more now to as l read here.

l agree with er , l was liking you straight off too. l love weird people well, not of the norm , been one all my life to. Hard to add to er's great post there but yeah agree with so much she's said and not that we all wanna be some great this or that but yeah, there's been sooo many famous people, names, that didn't fit anywhere as er was saying,until one day, bingo. Many have been Dyslexic to which l am myself.

Ps , wouldn't be dyslexic by any chance would ya Lindsay ? Nothing about me made much sense either, a lot of things a lot like you describe for me to until l found out early 40s l'm dyslexic and that was like ah hu, all makes sense now. Couldn't even do a post round here when l first joined. But yeah was a huge help to me actually when l found out why l was so weird- hate labels, hatem , but in this instance it really helped that me and my thing, actually had one. Well , those parts at least anyway, l'm still a weird bugger to ha ha but l don't care.

But you know too, same with people we don't have to be everyone's cup of tea l don't even like people like that and end of day doesn't matter what people do or how clever they are in people we like we just like them and l agree with er you sound v likable to me.

Anywayyyy, keep talking round here if it helps eh, think you'll find it might help and many people will get what no one outside seems to.

All he best

rx

[Lindsay0581]

Thank you ray and rx. There probably is some sort of dyslexia/adhd going on. I have a friend who use to be a teacher who mentioned it. Otherwise it wouldn't have never have crossed my mind - I was always called slow or careless. I cannot remember who said it and I apologise, I am not sure what dianogisis would actually do at this point as well.

Since I am feeling better after my crash out/rant I tried to say something nice about myself I couldn't do it. I froze. But thank you for your kind words. I will try and remember them. And thank you everyone.

[therising]

Hi Lindsay

I'm a firm believer that if there's no one around us who's prepared to help bring out the best in us, we may live our entire life having never discovered the best in us. While some may gently suggest ways of finding the best in ourself, others will push us to work hard in some cases. While my brother gently suggested a couple of times that I look into helping my 20yo son find ways of developing himself, now he's pushing me to help my son (who's struggling greatly in some ways with level 1 autism factors). And while my daughter's partner has gently guided my daughter to develop herself, there are times where he pushes (while also acknowledging her challenges with ADHD). I believe it's about finding the right 'life coach'. But it also goes beyond that...

We definitely have to take that computer up there in our head into account. What our brain will or will not compute is definitely a factor. In both autism and ADHD, executive function issues make it incredibly hard if not impossible to compute/process or make sense of a number of things. Whether it's the 'hardware' (the way our brain's structured) or it's a 'software' issue (regarding the programs we have or don't yet have in our brain), a sense of wonder goes a long way. A sense of wonder is a strength. It's also an ability. A sense of wonder stops us from jumping to the wrong conclusions. 'I'm hopeless' changes to 'I wonder what executive function issues I struggle most with and need to address'. 'I'm never going to change' can change to 'I wonder, beyond how my brain works, what's in my nature? Who am I from a natural perspective, as opposed to a neurological perspective?'. For example, if you decided to research executive function issues and you discovered that you find a lot of that stuff fascinating, you could then say 'I'm a natural researcher. I love researching' or you could say 'I'm a natural wonderer. I thrive on and love my sense of wonder'. Of course a sense of wonder and a lot of research isn't going to pay the bills, unless we're a paid researcher. Sometimes it's about developing aspects of ourself outside of the job we get paid to do. It's that development that ends up leading us in a different direction somewhere down the track. It can be seriously hard when we can't see down that track or down the path we find ourself on, especially when it seems so dark. So hard when we can't see anything.

Lindsay, I think one of the nicest things we can say to ourself is 'I'm more than my brain. There's far more to me than that thing up there in my head'. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Lindsay,

I very much relate to being called slow and careless. I think what I have learned is that there are benefits to thinking and operating differently, and I am gradually learning to work with those differences and see that they can also be an asset in many situations.

I agree with what therising says, that we are more than our brain, or how our brain may be defined by a diagnosis. So it could be helpful to get a diagnosis, but it's not the whole picture and it does not need to be a limiting framework for understanding yourself and what you can do. I think each state has some kind of support organisation for people with certain conditions such as ADHD and dyslexia. So, for example, here in WA there is ADHD WA and the Dyslexia-SPELD Foundation. If you thought it might be helpful, you could try approaching somewhere like that in your state, and also speaking with your GP or psychologist if you are currently seeing one. I have found in life I have had to do a lot of my own research and exploration to figure stuff out. There may be support groups too that may be helpful in figuring out if you are with similar people with similar challenges.

But also, it's important to know there is not something wrong with you. You are uniquely you. I think in time it is very possible that you will be able to find nice things to say about yourself. I totally understand the freezing response and have had that type of response in myself over many years. I think once you start to receive some positive validation and understanding, it can start to dissipate that freeze response and you do begin to see yourself with compassion, insight, kindness and wonder.

A few months ago I got into the meditation approach of Loch Kelly who has ADHD himself. He has some videos online. I just thought I'd mention that in case it's helpful. He has a way of explaining things that reaches how my brain works. That's just a thought, as I know everyone is different in what they find helpful.

Take care,

ER