Just need to talk

[Jenna_]

17 and recently got diagnosed with depression. ever since starting college i haven't been happy. everyday i wake up with the dreading feeling of having to interact with people in the fakest way ever while suppressing my own emotions so i dont have to deal with them. eventually they lead up to you. its now an every week type of thing, where i break down crying, hopeless for my future. my parents are immigrants - they dont believe in mental health problems, i hate being at home anyways because my parents are just always mad at me. i dont know why they can never ask me if im ok , i dont even feel comfortable opening up to them. i really hope i never become a parent like that. im not sure what i did to have a life like this. i feel like a failure. my grades just keep slipping, how am i even gonna get into university at this rate. i hate myself so much. i really hope someone understands. what do i do 

[white knight]

Hi Jenna, welcome

Some parents wont understand, indeed friends and other family members wont either. It's why we are here as a flourishing forum because we have been there as this post you'll find

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/they-just-wont-understand-why/td-...

Remember- a family member must have the CAPACITY to understand or they wont be able to. It doesnt mean they dont adore you.

So once you've accepted that your parents wont understand but also that they love you in their own way, you then take a huge leap forward towards adulthood because you'll take on the challenges of working out your own mental health issues like how to cope and how to remain aloof amongst friends so you can remain involved but at a distance.

Mental illness is unique to everyone so depression can effect us differently eg mine causes stress and I'm bipolar with dysthymia and autism  so it gets complicated. With yourself along with professional help and medication surveillance you'll begin to learn more about yourself and how you best deal with things. Interacting with other students is a classic example. Remember your rights without being rude, you have the right to be quiet, more withdrawn and the reason this can be good for a depressed person is that people can be nasty/snobby/clannish/jealous and so on and those people arent the people you want to be around. So be civil and drift away. This is an art I've mastered which includes toxic family members.

Focussing on yourself is critical to your growth now. Learning to love yourself is a long term goal that build self esteem i.e

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

So the link above is a prime example of picking yourself up and overcoming obstacles by determination. The more you do this the easier it becomes. 

So achieving managing your own mental health issues without your parents support can be a means to succeed in a/ finding solutions by yourself b/ still loving those that created you. That balance is the key to many challenges. 

You're with a bunch of friends and the topics or the people begin to upset you "thats so interesting guys, gotta go have a good day". = the balance.

Having a crying session every week? Yes, its crippling. But then again its for an hour or so and one hour out of 100 waking hours isnt so bad... see how I turned it into a positive?It's not easy but once you become a positive person you'll never return to the former. Half way through crying go for a walk around the block. Watch the bees, the flowers, the sky. LIVE!

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

Finally. I have the faith in you that you'll focus on the number one challenge- your grades and succeed in improving them. Reduce contact from friends a little, remain studying in your room more often away from your parents more and rebound after every upsetting period. You'll soon get to know your mood cycle, like yourself more and make wise choices. One last thing- being positive includes being realistic. You can strive for university but if it isnt for you for whatever reason then seek an alternative career path. Education isnt for everyone, you are an individual that needs to take the path that is manageable for your depression, achievable and enjoyable.

I've crammed a lot in, any questions please reply

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Jenna

I think if our parents were never led to question and explore mental and emotional issues, they're not going to question and explore them unless they have no choice. On the other hand, if they've come to find great importance in questioning and exploring such issues, they'll be prepared to do a deep dive into them. Conditioning definitely tends to have a lot to do with it: If our parents were conditioned through stuff like 'Stop thinking so much and just get on with things' or 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up', they'll have lost a certain level of ability to think/process and sense. I suppose you could say the result is thoughtlessness and insensitivity. Finding the kind of guides for our self who are thoughtful and who like to wonder with us (regarding our struggles) and the kind of guides who are able to sense the nature of our challenges can make a huge difference in some cases. 

Friendship groups are definitely interesting. While I think we can try to fit in to a particular group, the question becomes 'What am I tying to fit into?'. If we're more of a philosopher type, asking the deeper questions like 'Why do I struggle so much? What's my purpose for being here? Why can't I see the best way forward?' etc, trying to fit into a group of people who are more so interested in light or superficial stuff is going to feel frustrating, agitating or in some cases depressing. Being one of a kind in a group can feel lonely. Btw, being one of a kind doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us, it just means we haven't met our kind yet. This is something that can be felt or sensed in a number of ways. Speaking of sensing, we could even be the most sensitive person in a group. Again, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us. It can simply mean we have a greater ability to sense compared to others. They may still be developing that ability. 

With the study aspect, is it you that wants to go to uni or is that what your parents want for you? What pathway would you be happiest with? What do you feel naturally drawn to? Would you like to leave school and make  money to fund a variety of possible interests in life or would you actually like to study something further through university right after secondary school? Could you have the best of both worlds, making money from paid employment and then studying a bit further down the track? 

Jenna, I've found that when I can't see the way forward I find someone who can see it in ways that I can relate to. They'll share with me their vision and if that resonates with me I'll then have some sense of direction. It sounds like you're at crossroads now, having to gain a sense of which way to go. I'm wondering whether there's a particular teacher at school or perhaps someone else who you feel drawn to speak to, someone who could offer you a sense of direction when it comes to the next lot of steps you need to take.