Dear Guest,
Welcome and thank you for sharing your concerns. I have been dealing with a similar situation. In my case I have known physical/verbal/emotional abuse from childhood and I'm diagnosed with complex ptsd, but somatic memories of early sexual abuse began to emerge from March this year. These symptoms, which are both physical and emotional, emerged at the same time that it was becoming apparent that I also have a dissociative disorder that initially looked like OSDD (Other Specified Dissociative Disorder) and is increasingly looking like DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). That internal dissociative system has moved from being covert to overt this year.
A YouTube video I found helpful when I first began to try to understand what was happening to me in relation to what were episodes of what seemed to be a sexual abuse memory is called "Repressed Memories, Dissociative Amnesia, PTSD, and the Memory Wars" on the Therapy in a Nutshell channel. The presenter discusses how it can be easy for false memories to form, but it is also the case the brain can protect us from early memories through dissociation. Her approach with clients is not to try to go digging through the past to try to definitively draw out such memories. Instead, it's about dealing with what is presenting in the body and emotions right now. My psychologist has much the same approach which is not to try to confirm or disconfirm what may have happened in the past, but to treat and care for the emotional and somatic symptoms that are presenting now.
In my case, I was left in the care of extended family at times when very small, and sexual abuse was rife in this branch of the family. Two relatives from this group exhibited grooming behaviours towards me as an older child. One of them later went to prison for the sexual assault of a teenager, and the other one sexually abused his stepdaughter for four years, but got away with it. So I was in a context where it is very possible something did happen to me, yet I have no concrete evidence it definitely did. The daughter of the relative I suspect may have done the very early abuse has said some very strange, cryptic things regarding when I was in her care, also suggesting something occurred. I still can't tell from that if it definitely did or not. I am now estranged from that relative who became increasingly abusive towards me, I think when she realised I was more aware of stuff that's gone on with her family members than she wanted me to be. I've been through two sexual assaults as a younger adult, so I am also familiar with the disturbing energy around it.
What has happened with me, is that one of the alters in my dissociative system has emerged as a small toddler who has been sexually abused. This was initially distressing, but it has actually made things easier. I am able to take care of her now as she is externalised, and I can feel her with me at certain times. I am essentially now protecting and caring for this part of myself. Sometimes it is too overwhelming, but I am able to hand her to an older female alter in my system who is like a wise matriarch and she can supportively take care of her. I have learned to trust my inner system, and my psychologist is working supportively with that system as well.
Even if you don't have the strongly separated identities of DID like I do, if there is a part of you that is potentially carrying an abuse memory, it is possible to care for and heal this part. I have come to accept that I will probably never know what actually happened to this part of myself and I am ok with that now. I just respond to what presents in the moment and have learned to care for and nurture this little girl. I would say seek out a trauma-competent therapist with a very good understanding of dissociation and early trauma. I would be cautious about trying to force out early memories. You just want to work gently with what is presenting now and things have a way of starting to balance internally when we just allow the healing to unfold. Take care and happy to chat further if you would like.
