Hi Wreckitralph
I feel for you so much as you face one of the worst aspects of long term depression, the way it wears you down. As a gal who barely managed long term depression from my late teens 'til 35 and periods in depression from then 'til now at 53, I actually have a legitimate fear of returning to long term depression. Long term depression is brutal, exhausting and relentless. With periods in depression, the time in between is about time to make better sense of everything.
While I've come to see depression as being like a depression in the ground or a well-like structure, that proverbial light's not at the end of the tunnel, it's at the top. To be in the depths is like looking up at a pin prick. To be at rock bottom means not even that pinprick appears visible. It's about as dark as it gets and it can feel incredibly lonely down there. Hope you don't mind if I sit with you for a while down there, just so you can hear something other than the absolutely brutal inner dialogue that can be heard at rock bottom.
From my own experience, I'd say the worst of my inner demons live at rock bottom, rubbing their little hands together (if they had hands, that is). In my times down there in the past, I imagine them saying 'Great, we've finally got her all the way down here, bit by tormenting bit. Now we can really get into her head'. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how they sound, those rock bottom inner demons. I imagine you can relate to stuff like 'You're hopeless. You're never going to get better, no matter what you do. You're going to suffer for the rest of your life. There's only one way out of this...' and on and on it goes. They are so damn convincing. They're tricky b****rds too, getting you to compile lists in your head when it comes to every sense of failure, every time something didn't work out, every time someone felt disappointed in you, every time you thought you'd found your way out of depression but it didn't work out. List after depressing list. I can guarantee, there are 2 things those rock bottom demons definitely don't tell you and that's how to get out of there alive and how to compile lists of achievements.
They also won't tell you that if you find people who can relate to what rock bottom feels like and you share your experiences and feelings with them, it can help take the edge off a bit. They won't tell you about how the quest for the right anti depressant can end up feeling like a depressing quest and that's not your fault. They won't tell you that how you feel is legitimate and valid. Instead they'll have you falsely believe 'It's because you're weak'. It's just not true. They won't tell you of their ways of isolating you, so that there's no one around to help. And they won't tell you that part of the problem is no one's raising you in the right ways. In fact, people around you may be trying to raise you in all the wrong ways (that don't work), which is why it can feel like no difference being made. They won't tell a person suffering 'Your therapist is not great, which is exactly why you're not getting anywhere' or that the antidepressants aren't working because they just don't have the best chemistry in them. They'll lead you to believe 'It's all because you're broken'. There's just so much those rock bottom demons won't tell you. What they will tell you, through inner dialogue, is everything that's depressing and soul destroying. In no way whatsoever are they guides to getting out. Guidance is found in other ways, ways we can be yet to meet with.
