So... being having issues with my partner, I tend to complain about my
stuff to work friends. I'm sure I blow it all out of proportion from my
own screwed up way of seeing things. They r great, supportive,etc. But I
no longer want them to be. I don't...
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So... being having issues with my partner, I tend to complain about my
stuff to work friends. I'm sure I blow it all out of proportion from my
own screwed up way of seeing things. They r great, supportive,etc. But I
no longer want them to be. I don't want them or anyone else to care
about me, or pretend to. I gave my partner no compassion, no positive
anything. Been on ssri on and off for nearly 15 yrs. It's blunting, I
don't have compassion to give him. A few months back switched to anri to
try and make him happy, less blunting, but only on the negative stuff
really. Don't get me wrong, when I'm at work I have a good time with the
girls and enjoy them. But I go home and it's gone. My kids must hate me.
I just sit in my room and remove myself from life and watch others on TV
instead. In the last wk, I stopped my snri coz we were still fighting
about me being heartless who doesn't care about him. So wats the point
if taking pills if I'm still like that. In this last wk, I broke up with
him, we told the kids, then I cried and crawled back... all in a day. I
blew up my life, destroyed my kids... for nothing. Since, I'm ok with my
partner, that ain't bothering me... but I am just... throwing myself
into music to try and numb something. I am sad and angry and irritable
and want ppl to stay away from me. I wake up ok, but as soon as someone,
usually my kids talk to me, that's it. I'm all in my head. I lose my
stuff or my obvious misery destroy everyone else's mood. Then I hate
myself for it, alopologise over and over for everything I say outa
place. And today I'm just angry. Punched the work Keyboard and scared my
co-worker. Great work. I just want to be gone and have everything
silent. But the silence is so deafening. (Would never hurt myself, just
hope that the universe will do it for me). Then I'm numb, no feeling, no
emotion, until something happens I don't think and I lose it again.
Don't even know y I'm writing this really. Just forget it. I just need
to get over my cop-out and stop making excuses for bad behaviour