Plain misery

[Joe_the_Innocent27]

I have had a rough 12 years

I was bullied in high school by about 8 people, from the ages of 12 - 18

I have been mis diagnosed with originally psychosis and than schizophrenia, and I was told to be kept on anti psychotic medications for life, for when I don't even have schizophrenia, I have contracted pre diabetes from past medications 

My mother is horrible

1) She treats me as a mental disability or retarded
2) She can't be disagreed with
3) She doesn't encourage my driving, despite having a license
4) She doesn't believe in the need for me to work occupations
5) She tells you to handle the world, when your confident and brave with your beliefs. She rejects you    to face your problems, because you either have to be a beta cuck for her, or she abandons your support

My father

1) His selfish and entitled
2) His arrogant and ignorant
3) His in communicative and absent
4) His controlling and wanting peace

I am in a continuous cycle of a quarter life existential crisis. At the age of 27 I haven't had a entry job, or plan interest for further study, I am not a University academia or TAFE interested, I have to get a injection of 50 mg anti psychotic drug for no schizophrenia per month, I live with pre diabetes, my parents are unsupportive, and my brother is different than me

I don't have the ability to handle the independence of living alone either, and don't want to be with strangers, or anyone besides a partner or my own competence  

[Sophie_M]

Dear Joe the Innocent27

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post. We want you to know that this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts, feelings and experiences and receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users.
 
We are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
We’re sure to hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.

Regards 

Sophie M

[Petal22]

Hi Joe the innocen,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

Im sorry you were bullied but please know that this was a reflection of the bullies and not you.

I understand you feel mis diagnosed, you could have a chat to a psychiatrist about this if you want to.

If you feel you would like a job, how would you feel about applying for some?

Im sorry that your parents treat you the way they do, you could have a chat to them about this if you want to.

[Joe_the_Innocent27]

I don't apply for jobs, because I don't have a sense for which jobs are suitable and tolerable for me to do, and it's not always easy to get jobs

I don't feel mis diagnosed, I am indisputably knowing I am not diagnosed correctly 

I don't want to talk about my parents, my mum isn't always the way I mentioned, sure my father is absent, but his not socially or physically bothering me, despite him being a useless dis engaged parent 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Joe the Innocent27
 
Thank you for your post, it’s great to see you feel safe to engage with our lovely community members.  We just wanted to remind you that we are here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat if you need to talk about this.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
We agree with Petal22 in that it would be a good first step to speak to and health professional, such as your GP about how you are feeling about not being diagnosed correctly.  Depending on your situation your GP can also help you explore some other supports through a mental health care plan, for example a psychologist to help you work through the trauma of having been bullied and to understand how this is impacting you right now, including making sense of what you value, what you might like to do in the future in terms of your family relationships and finding work.
 
As Petall22 demonstrates, please remember that this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts, feelings and experiences and receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users.
 
Regards

Sophie M
 

[Petal22]

I understand Joe the innocen,

Have you thought about maybe a night fill job? Or day fill?

You could just apply if you want to and see how you go.

I understand you feel strongly about your diagnosis being misdiagnosed you can take the steps to be re diagnosed if you want to and explain your concerns with your doctor.

Do you currently see a psychiatrist?

[Joe_the_Innocent27]

It's very complicated with my diagnosis, when I was younger making poor choices, it lead me to the psych ward on 3 occasions, than last year I was mistaken and admitted to hospital for a 4th time over a 10 year period, I have had like 3 second opinions and tribunals, but their too strongly into their science and beliefs that I'm with the condition, they believe I lack impairment with my diagnosis, I have sadly contracted pre diabetes and had my gallbladder removed because of medication 

I also am upset, because I am strongly spiritual and like religion, and compared to the U.S.A, Australia's sociology isn't connected to a Bible belt personality like the Americans are

I also am lonely besides my lovely family, I have no friendships, and I am healthy and deprived from any intimacy without ever knowing girls or having a girlfriend

I can't have my independence, I got my license recently, but I don't use public transit, unless I was in the city, but I never go to the city, because I don't want to go by myself, and I would want a vehicle to drive to the station as opposed to getting there with a different method 

[Petal22]

Sorry to hear you were mistaken on your 4th admission, by mistaken was this identity?

I understand that sometimes people do make poor choices but from this the person can always choose to learn the lessons.

You aren’t defined from your past you can always turn around and come back for the better.

Do you think you have any symptoms of schizophrenia?

I understand that sometimes when we are diagnosed with a condition it’s hard to accept the condition.

I was diagnosed with severe anxiety OCD when I was first given my diagnosis I told the psychiatrist “ I didn’t want it” my psychiatrist told me “ you have it”…

It took me a little while to accept the condition but once I chose to accept it I was able to work on managing it and then mastering it. I have now done both.

Im sorry you contracted pre diabetes.

Im sorry you are feeling lonely, have you tried to meet girls?

That’s great that you have your license.

Do you have any hobbies or interests?

[Joe_the_Innocent27]

I have a few hobbies, I like to play video games, watch basketball and Australian football, I love to play the guitar very much

I am not ashamed with having a mental condition, I am just 100% knowing that I don't have Schizoprehnia,      it's not about stigma, I am self loving even if I did have the illness, but I know I don't infact have it

I wouldn't know where to meet girls, with the right virtues, values and personality, I am very shy and I find so many overly attractive and I question wither I have mild autism, because I feel like a chicken with intimate esteem, I have been crushing on this one girl that died 10 years ago, but despite liking the majority of women,    I tend to fixate on that shallow beauty 

I got my license, but I don't have any direction for suitable entry job's, I don't believe with agencies that they help people, I find their useless, I don't have a vehicle, and it's been awhile from when driving, I have a mum that's very anxious with driving, and my father is absolutely not for me with it 

I feel I only get to feel confident when I was driving with my fabulous instructor. I still have his number in my phone, but wanted to be my own independent sufficiency, I get worried with the flaws with modern drivers on the roads, and I always see people speed 80 or 90 in a 50 back streets zone

[therising]

Hi Joe

When those days or weeks come, where it might sound a little like 'I just can't tolerate living like this anymore', it feels like there's no choice but to change or endure the torture.Then the internal dialogue can start and go on and on: What job do I want, based on who I am? Who am I, really, when it all comes down to it? How do I know what I want if I don't entirely know who I am? Who's holding me back, bringing me down or stressing me out? Why can't I feel the kind of inspiration that charges me up to the point where I have not a single doubt in my mind? I find when things become intolerable, overall, I enter into an overall life assessment period. This can sometimes become a whole new form of torture, more so emotional.

Not sure if you can relate but in such an emotional assessment, you can feel just about everything. You can feel the impact of your thoughts/internal dialogue, the impact of your imagination and sometimes the disappointment that comes when it's just not working (not leading you to imagine exactly where you need to be heading), the impact of your belief systems (esp the depressing ones) and so on. You can feel what a lot of it does to your nervous system too. I'm a super sensitive gal, a real feeler/sensitive, so it can be a challenge to enter into a state of pure analysis without feeling/sensing all those factors mentioned.

Sounds like you're channeling your wonderful self, the part of you that wonders. If you're wondering whether you're on the autism spectrum, do you think it could be positively life changing and mind altering to seek out a diagnosis?

You mention the clash between science and spirituality. I know what you mean. While science can label someone on the spectrum as 'broken' in some way, mainstream spirituality recognises the super or incredible natural aspects of someone on the spectrum. Folk on the spectrum have some truly outstanding abilities, often sadly overlooked as science tries to 'fix' things. With a 17yo son who's on the spectrum, I find it's more about establishing and exercising balance than it is about 'fixing' things.