Plain misery

[Joe_the_Innocent27]

I have had a rough 12 years

I was bullied in high school by about 8 people, from the ages of 12 - 18

I have been mis diagnosed with originally psychosis and than schizophrenia, and I was told to be kept on anti psychotic medications for life, for when I don't even have schizophrenia, I have contracted pre diabetes from past medications 

My mother is horrible

1) She treats me as a mental disability or retarded
2) She can't be disagreed with
3) She doesn't encourage my driving, despite having a license
4) She doesn't believe in the need for me to work occupations
5) She tells you to handle the world, when your confident and brave with your beliefs. She rejects you    to face your problems, because you either have to be a beta cuck for her, or she abandons your support

My father

1) His selfish and entitled
2) His arrogant and ignorant
3) His in communicative and absent
4) His controlling and wanting peace

I am in a continuous cycle of a quarter life existential crisis. At the age of 27 I haven't had a entry job, or plan interest for further study, I am not a University academia or TAFE interested, I have to get a injection of 50 mg anti psychotic drug for no schizophrenia per month, I live with pre diabetes, my parents are unsupportive, and my brother is different than me

I don't have the ability to handle the independence of living alone either, and don't want to be with strangers, or anyone besides a partner or my own competence  

[Earth Girl]

I'm sorry that people bullied you to the point of ruining your confidence, it would still be good to try singing and guitar lessons though since they are things you are really interested in. The only way we can get better at those things is if we try even if it is scary to do so sometimes. To begin with, you could try practicing singing in the privacy of your own house and then, once you feel more comfortable about it, you could get singing lessons. You might even be able to get singing lessons with a friend if they have the same interests? (I'm not sure if they can do it that way, but you can ask and they might be able to do that).

It's true that people are flawed and we can also be cliché and not genuine, but we also have good things about us. I recommend finding people you have things in common with and getting to know them really well if possible and then seeing if the friendship would work out. If you do end up becoming friends, these people will make mistakes sometimes, but if they try to make them right (righting their wrongs), it will be worth staying friends with them and you might find you really like some things about them - they could be really funny or talented or smart.

I'm not sure if it would be helpful for me to say since you know you don't have schizophrenia, but when I have psychotic episodes I either think everyone is trying to kill me, that I'm a really horrible person and I don't deserve to live or if I am taking my medication and I have a psychotic episode, I say things like "I'm an angel" and "everyone in the world is pure" "I love everyone" and feel extremely good about myself. I also sometimes hear and see very strange things that couldn't actually happen in real life. When I'm well though, I feel okay and don't say these things or think that anyone is going to kill me. Can you relate to any of these things? If you can and you are still having problems then you might need to try a different psychotic medication, otherwise you are likely right and you don't need to be on this medication. It must be really frustrating being forced to take it.

[Emotions26]

so sorry I misunderstood what you had written.

I hope that those who have been on these forums can offer you the support that you so justly deserve.

I sincerely want for you to be able to be yourself.

Emotions26

[Joe_the_Innocent27]

Yea it's not just my mental health diagnosis drama, it's also having no financial direction with knowing          which entry job's are suitable for me to work or that I'm able to get, and without being a study personality         or interested in anything at TAFE and not eligible for University or wanting to go that route either

It's walking on egg shells, my father is selfish and narcissistic socially, emotionally and psychologically,            He treats my mother as a useless, vain, superficial housemaid, when my mother is selfless not vain and she always has to go without the things she wants for many decades, She gave up her career to have kids and always put us first. My father is not the definition of love and he has hegemonic masculinity issues, His misogynistic & sexist and he thinks being sensitive makes you a weak man, He thinks letting a women have a decision makes men of a cuck male. He has the financial construction career and he tells my mother at 66 she can leave if she wants to and take us kids, none of us have money besides my DSP Centrelink pension 

[Earth Girl]

That sounds really hard. Your Dad must be really insecure if he thinks being sensitive makes a man weak. Being sensitive is a human trait, not a feminine trait.

[Joe_the_Innocent27]

My father was never a affectionate person or a socially involved Dad, He would never encourage or praise us, He never taught us anything, He expected us to know everything as we got older or otherwise presumed were useless, He was also very ignorant and arrogant but he always only understood himself and never his immediate family, He liked his own reflection and differences. He was a Baby Boomer with misogyn and kept to himself behind the T.V. 

It's this feeling of wanting to have the same standards without my father because I feel hindered from my own individuality and agenda to believe what I want, at times he is controlling and other times he doesn't have any concern about you for the most part

His not a good father he believes his had his life and has no concern wither we get education, work, live adulting or have any meaning with our lives 

Sadly for me I can't leave home because I am not planning on further education, I am not the academia University study type, Despite liking Dietician It's not something I'm likely to succeed with or be suitable for. I don't want anything with TAFE to be a construction blue collar tradesmen type, I also don't want to work a miserable entry insecure job in retail or hospitality, I believe robots will automate most entry jobs and they seem rather mundane and without much interest and real contribution to society compared to white collar jobs 

I love living with my Mother and Twin Brother but I'm the individual whose more bothered with my fathers personality 

[Joe_the_Innocent27]

Hey earth girl thanks so much for your response and sorry for taking this long to respond, As far as the singing  I think for the most part I have given up on that side of myself, either I feel under confident for numerous reasons, Or I'm just more interested in guitar ultimately with creative growth 

As far as the diagnosis of Schizophrenia it's complicated over the last 11 years, I made destructive suicidal type  of behavior when I was leaving high school because I developed a deep infatuation with a girl that died and didn't believe in my future from happening and related with bullying. I also want to have a MRI scan to prove I don't have a reduced brain size volume and enlarged ventricles because apparently that should indicate I don't have the Schizophrenia, but they would likely still give me a reason to treat me against my wishes, I don't have any visual hallucinations and see anything, and I don't have any voices myself, I have certain special experiences that I say are within the explanation of spirituality but that's all the text book classic Schizophrenia to the secular science that don't believe in what I claim. I believe their unique special experiences I have sometimes but I wouldn't put that In the category of psychosis, I also lack confidence because I have been on   5 medications over the last eleven years and contracted pre diabete's then I also had to have a cholecystectomy 3 years after that as consequences to enforced pharmaceuticals 

[Joe_the_Innocent27]

Yes I've been medicated for the last 11 years continuously with pharmaceutical anti psychotic's for not ever having Schizophrenia or psychotic symptoms and I was wrongly diagnosed as a teenager and no matter what    I tell the doctors or wither I have tribunals or second reviews it doesn't work for me and I can't have freedoms  to get off their bullshit drugs, and they don't listen to me and they tell me I lack insight with my diagnosis.           I have suffered all through my twenties on their medications with getting pre diabetes at 22 and having a cholecystectomy at 25, they offer me no compensation or human dignity and they don't apologise for anything 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm 67yo and when just turned 17yo I joined the Air Force. What that did for my growth was amazing - adult wages, career of my choice, cheap food and accommodation, friends and travel with good allowances.

That move was to get away from my older brother and y controlling mother. At 21yo I returned home and things went back to how they were. I should never have returned home.

What that lesson told me was that my path to advance my life did not include staying/returning home.

There is many ways to leave home other than the defence forces, shared accommodation like uni students, buy an old caravan and live in a caravan park or move around in it etc. The world can be your oyster.

Good luck and I'm here daily if you want to talk more.

TonyWK