Feeling empty and lonely - what can I do?

[raspberryropes]

How do people deal with crippling lonliness and emptiness? Everyday I am reminded by the lack of social networks I have and feel it getting worse as I get older.

Work is my only social outlet but it is extremely superficial. I am also in management so there are additional boundaries around the nature of relationships at work. Saying this, I function incredibly well at work - work is not personal, I have an excellent work ethic and it allows me to be focused. Beyond work though, I am a mess and I feel nothing but emptiness.

I have no family or friends. I was abandoned by various friends years ago whilst I was in abusive relationship and I never recovered from that. My family is also complicated and abusive so I've had to put up boundaries to protect myself and have no contact now. I am married but my husband has become tired of my depression and doesnt want to know me unless I have a smile on my face. I feel like I cant leave him because I will literally have no one.

I have tried to make friends but I find it draining and requires so much emotional investment that I just dont have. I often leave these interactions in tears and need to sleep for hours just to recover. 

I have tried to seek help before but its been unhelpful. Most psychologists have said it must be very lonely being you but not said what I can really do about it. They've only just listened and validated. At this point I feel like I have effectively given up. 

[Croix]

Dear Raspberryropes~

I'd like to bit you welcome to the Forum, unlike many places in the outside world it can be a friendly place, plus you may find, if you read some threads, others who have been in similar situations. How they coped might be useful.

You are right that trying to form friendships - or even acquaintances - takes energy, trust and emotional investment, particularly face to face. This is particularly so if there is no common ground, and as a manager this does not appear hopeful at work.

Your situation is very understandable wiht an abusive relationship in the past, family who are similar and a husband who for whatever reason wants you to appear smiling.

Do you think it becuse he can't be bothered to try to understand and comfort you, or simply does not know what to do and feels out of his depth?

No, psychs may not have had any suggestions, probably they may view it outside thier  field -not a great help.

I have no fail-safe suggestions however will offer a couple of thoughts. The first being at the start not to have high expectations, but settle initially for acquaintances. Friendships are not often immediate and do need ot grow, as does trust.

The second is to engage in activities that give you the chance to interact wiht others, from painting classes to choir practice. I've no idea what you interests are and I'd expect you have some ideas of your own.

BTW age has nothing to do with it, enjoying being with others, and them enjoying being wiht you, can come at any time -and is often a surprise.

May I suggest you have a look around this forum, two area might be:

The BB Social Zone

Relationships and Family Issues

You know you are always welcome here

Croix

[therising]

Hi raspberryropes

My heart goes out to you as you feel the impact of a lack of a friendship circle at this time in your life.
At 52 and being an introverted kind of gal, I can relate to the need to begin forming more friendships these days. I think as our circumstances change, we can go from being a somewhat contented introvert (whether that's based on our nature or a form of self preservation) to being someone who really needs some meaningful and emotional interaction with others for a variety of reasons.

I've found there can be an enormous amount of challenges when it comes to making friends. Just a handful

• If we're not a social drinker, a lack of social lubricant can be a challenge
• If we're someone who can read people relatively easily, this means feeling strangers (potential friends) judging us. Not always a pleasant feeling, depending on who's judging. It can become a matter of 'I have to watch everything I do and say so that people judge me positively, in the ways I want them to'. Way too much hard work at times. 'I will simply be myself' is a mantra that can have a lot of skills behind it. The skill of developing a relaxed nervous system in socially challenging situations is one. The skill of feeling someone as simply not being 'friendship material' may be another
• Personally, I'm a shocker at small talk. Tough to make friends out of strangers when small talk is the typical 'go to' conversation in the beginning ('Where do you work? What've you been up to lately?' etc)
• Money can be another factor. Can we afford to go out and make friends with certain circles like we may have in the past? Researching cheaper or free ways could be a whole new challenge

and the list goes on.

I think it doesn't hurt to adopt the mindset of 'interviewing' people as potential friends, gaining an 'internal view' of who they are. Finding the right person for the job entails knowing who we're looking for. As I say, I'm a shocker at small talk so my interview style would more so be along the lines of pure observation, 'That's an absolutely beautiful perfume. It has such a joyful smell to it. What led you to choose it?'. Surprisingly, the response may be 'Funny you say that. I bought it based on how happy (joyful) it made me feel'. You know you're speaking to a feeler, someone who can feel through their sense of smell and can feel the invitation to express that. Personally, I love such deeply feeling sensitive people. They can be hard to find.

It can be so heartbreaking when we can really feel our partner not caring enough, for whatever reasons, or we can feel them simply waiting for us to 'snap out of it'. From my own experience, I'd say not being raised (to find greater self understanding and ways to strategically manage my challenges) means being left alone to feel what 'down' feels like. Definitely has a depressing feel to it, that's for sure. I think raising our self may be the ultimate challenge in life. ❤️

[David35]

What about interest groups outside work (sport, hobby, craft groups,etx.) ?

[Buggalugs]

It's commendable that you're excelling at work and finding some sense of purpose and focus there. However, it's important to also nurture your personal life outside of work. While relationships at work may have boundaries, there are still opportunities to connect with colleagues on a more personal level. Consider joining work-related social events or initiating small conversations during breaks. Building even a few genuine connections can make a significant difference.

[vickey]

First off, sending you a huge virtual hug. I think the world can feel super overwhelming, especially when you're protecting your little ones. It's crazy how a shift in perspective can mess with your mind. It's something that happened to me too.

I'd totally recommend talking to someone about it. Trust me, it's a game-changer. It may seem scary at first, but it can be comforting to open up about your feelings. I was lucky to connect with some amazing psychiatrists in NYC who seriously helped me out. They gave me coping strategies, and gradually I began to regain control over my anxiety. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. You're an amazing mom!