How do you shake it off?

[Housegirl]

Hi, I have a great life; a wonderful husband, kids, job I love, house I love, pets. From the outside I could look like I have it all.  I'm so exhausted from battling the negative emotions and feelings of not being liked/accepted. I've done so much counselling and self work through my life I know all the things I should be saying to myself and deep down I know how loved I am by my family. Why can't I stop these feelings of worthlessness??

it was pounded in to me by my mother - I'm worthless, I have a terrible personality, it's a wonder I have any friends... I cannot overcome these fundamental beliefs.  I can make friends fine but can't seem to hold them.  I think I'm too needy, overshare, clingy? Then every time I get dropped by a friend all the things my mother told me become reinforced. I beat myself up for ages about what I did wrong, how it was my fault. I wish I could just shake it off.

i am currently feeling so worthless, disliked and ganged up on.  How do you get all the mantras/work you've done to actually change your patterns? I'm feeling so hopeless.

[CMF]

 Hi there,

im so sorry to hear you are feeling this way  I came across a quote a few days ago:

"I am not who you think I am, you are what you think I am"  

and

"the way you speak to your children becomes their inner voice"

i think people can project how they feel about themselves onto others. I feel happy to hear all the positives in your life.   If a friend drops you it's not about you, it's about them, their insecurities not something you've done  .

keep your circle small and positive, if you feel you've been dropped its their loss not yours  they may be jealous of the positives in your life. try and focus on the good, people will always come and go in our lives  the ones that stay are the ones that matter.

cmf

[Housegirl]

Thank you for your positive reply Can't Move Forward. As I said I "know" all these things. In my head. But I'm not able to live them. I seem to attach my self worth to the negative. Even with all the wonderful things in my life I sometimes think how good it would be to not be here and stop struggling.

i truly believe that it must be my fault that I repel people  it is such a pattern it can't be a coincidence. I've tried to talk to some of them to try to understand what I do but generally they don't want to talk about it. Just fob me off  Even on meds I'm feeling like I am falling off a cliff. It's a slow, suffocating fall and I just want to be able to grab on to my family and shut all the negative and rejection out.  

[addiee]

Hi housegirl,

 I'm sorry you feel that you're having difficulties maintaining friends. I sometimes feel the same way, where from a logical point of view my life is pretty good, but like you said I also think it'd be better if I wasn't here and not struggling. 

It's normal for people to come and go in our lives, if someone leaves, it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, sometimes life just leads people in different directions. I know how easy it is to convince yourself that you're worthless or disliked, but you're not those things. Sometimes because we might think these things of ourselves, we think that others think that too, but that's just what the negative voice is trying to tell you and it's not true. 

[pipsy]

Dear Housegirl.  What a wonderful mother - not.  It sounds as though she had the problem and blamed it on you, rather than see herself for the negative person she is.  Is she still alive?  What you need to know is there are positives and negatives to be gained from these caustic remarks.  The positives are, 1) You have a happy marriage, kids you love, job you love, etc, etc.  The negative is, was your mother's marriage happy (to your knowledge)?  Actually another positive springs to mind here, your personality is better than mum's.  I would say you're probably extremely supportive about anything your kids want to do that helps them in their growing up life.  The negative from that is, your mum's inability to support your decisions about what you wanted from life.  I guess mum wanted you to do what she wanted you to do.  Mum's generally seemed to be like that.  I had similar when I was  growing up too.  My parents were extremely sport minded I always got: 'why don't you play sport, like we did'?  I didn't want to.  Next time you get 'dumped' by a so-called friend, it's their loss, your gain.  You can do better than worry about someone who is too shallow to see you as a true, trusted person.  I would venture to say, you would be a person 'there' when needed.  Not too many people can say that.  Your worthless feelings are your mother's not yours, give them back to her.  If she's still living, next time you're talking and she harps on about you being worthless, useless etc, tell her, mum those are not my qualities, they're your problems, have them back, with my blessings.

Best wishes to you and your wonderful family.

[kelskels82]

Hi there, have you tried hypnotherapy? I had a couple of sessions which focused on finding the earliest origins of negative self beliefs and replacing them with more positive ones. I was dubious but found it actually pretty helpful, definitely worth a try. All the best!