How do I pull myself up out of this funk?

[Juliet_84]

Hi everyone,

I have been suffering badly with depression for the past few months and can't seem to pull myself out of it. If I'm honest though I have been depressed since my teens, and quite badly for the past few years. I've had some traumatic things happen in my life that have led me to this point. At the age of 13 I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and have suffered with that all through my life up until this point, which hasn't been easy. I find that there is a general lack of understanding about my illness from people, including friends and family, with most not wanting to talk about such "unpleasant" things, which makes me feel ashamed, to downright hurtful things that people have said to me when angry, which has led me to believe that people who love you will only end up hurting you in the end. As such, I've largely isolated myself and shunned society. Ironically these are the people who then try and tell me that I should go out and socialize more.

In addition to this, a few years ago I suffered a major life-threatening brain bleed which has changed my outlook. You see, I have always had relatively good jobs, and have studied and worked hard to get where I am today. However they have always been quite high-pressure, and as such I find my health being compromised by work. For example, I have started a new job recently and have been working hard to gain a good reputation, however after working like a dog for the past few months, I have now flared and had to take time off. I hate this as now my health has been compromised but so has my job. Given everything that's happened, I feel that my two options are a) keep working and die at my desk or b) quit. However, I realistically know that I can't quit, and to be honest I really like my job, although not the pressure, so if I had to work it would be doing what I'm doing, I just hate the feeling that I can either choose my health or my job, not both. 

As such in extremely depressed at the moment and find myself bursting into tears at random times 

[Doolhof]

Hi Julie,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the community here. You mentioned you have suffered from depression for a long time, are you seeing a Dr for this? Have you been to a psychologist or counsellor to talk about ways to help change how you are feeling?

I have not heard of ulcerative colitis so can not comment on that. I have been diagnosed with various mental health issues and have a chronic back condition which has compromised my social and working life for years.

After a back operation I spent about a year virtuality living on the floor and couldn't walk further than about 10 metres before I was ready to collapse in pain. This experience  made me view life differently.

Do you have a friend who understands what you are going through? Even one good friend to go out with and do pleasurable activities with is a bonus.

Do you have hobbies and interests that will get you out of the house? Do you like to walk or exercise? It is so beneficial to be able to get out and about, even if it is for a short period of time.

There is a lot of information here relating to depression. You can also use the phone help line 1300 22 4636. The people answering the phone may be able to advice you on where you can obtain help in your region and offer suggestions for helping with your depression.

This is a safe and reassuring place to share your thoughts and feelings. People here understand mental illness.

If you would like a little light relief from your depression and some TLC, then you can pop into the virtual "BB Café" thread that operates here.

Hopefully you will be able to slowly reconnect with family and friends. Take small steps and slowly build up the relationships again. Even if you go for  a coffee, or even sit in a park and have a chat for a short period of time, it will help build up your sense of self.

I even have a chat with people at the shop counter or check out. If they are not friendly, then that is their concern. At least I have connected with someone.

Hope some of this helps, and hope you feel comfortable to respond.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Juliet_84]

Hi Mrs Dools,

Thank you for your kind and supportive words. I've not been under anyone's care for my depression and am somewhat afraid to see someone in case they aren't any good as I feel quite fragile. I had originally been placed on the antidepressant medication after I was hospitalized for my one and only suicide attempt at the age of 21. I was subsequently discharged and told to see my GP for a referral to see someone, however when I did the GP apparently didn't know who to write a referral to and so I walked away empty-handed. I didn't have the strength to pursue it and so I never did. I kept going with the medication for a few years and then slowly stopped as I didn't really notice a huge difference and it made me drowsy. I guess I don't want to take medication as I already take a lot of medication and a part of me feels that my feelings are a normal reaction to my circumstances. I know I'm capable of being happy but I've just had a lot of sadness and pain in my life. 

I'm quite close with my sister and I rely on her for a lot, however I just always feel a distance between me and people. It feels as though I'm floating out to sea and I can see everyone and hear them but there's just always this distance. I'm just searching for something deeper, whereas I find my friends etc are interested in clothes, status, money and things like that and I couldn't care less. 

[Doolhof]

Hi Juliet,

Thanks for responding. I'm sorry to read you are in such a tough spot and have been for some time. The suicide attempt must have been a terrible experience, then to not have a Dr who could recommend help must have been quite frustrating and difficult.

Years ago I was admitted to a mental health ward, not because I had tried suicide but because I was thinking about it quite a lot. I had some trouble getting assistance. I will admit that at times you may need to try a couple of different people before you find someone who is helpful.

Sharing some of your concerns and how you are feeling here is helpful to a point. There are so many people who can relate to what you have written. The people using the forums are not experts or professions, but are fellow sufferers or care for someone who does suffer from a mental health issue.

Going to see another Dr may be very beneficial for you. They may be able to direct you to where you can receive help and advice.

I like your analogy of being in a boat drifting out to sea, hearing and seeing people but not really connecting. Quite often I feel like I am in a play and just acting a part. Sometimes the sense of disconnection is disturbing, other days I just go with that feeling and make the most of the situation I am in.

Have you ever heard of Mindfulness? Try Googling that and see if any of the strategies mentioned might work for you.

Regarding medication, it works better for some people than it does for others. My Dr has recently put me on a different anti depressant and I feel like a totally different person...for the better! I am so very happy that we persevered until we managed to hit upon a tablet that helped me feel like running away was not the only answer.

Hope you have had an okay kind of a day.

From Dools

[Juliet_84]

Dools,thank you for yiur thoughtful response. It was definitely a dark period in my life and I am glad that I wasn't ultimately successful. I'll be honest I've never had much luck with my depression from the medical community as a whole. I've had some serious health problems from a relatively young age and I don't even think anyone's ever asked how I'm actually doing. 

I had a lovely trip overseas last year and it just showed me what my life could be like. However I've since come back and feel as though I'm straight back into the "rat race" of working 10 hour days and sitting in traffic for an additional 3 hours each day. I just can't get excited about it the way that they force you to when I couldn't care less, it's not my dream. It does make me question what is the point of it all. So a part of me doesn't think I'm depressed necessarily, it's just my current life is depressing the hell out of me. If I won the lotto and actually got to live my life I'd be fine. And I know some people will then tell me to change it, however I'm realistic enough to know that if I move overseas and work full-time I'll essentially just be transplanting my life to over there and I'll still be dealing with the same problems. I know I have to work and earn money but it's just hard to watch my life vanish before my eyes.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels disconnected as that actually makes me feel more connected 🙂 I have heard of mindfulness however I've never actually tried it. Just to be sure, is it where you monitor your negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones? I made a call last week to an anxiety clinic as I get myself so worked up in the mornings going to work that I feel as though I'm practically vibrating. However they're only open during business hours and I take enough time off due to illness so that was the end of the road for me. I am already reluctant to get help so I really do wish that these extra obstacles weren't placed in my way. I'll try again when I have a bit more strength to deal with the let-downs before I find the right fit. I'm so glad you've found something that works for you.

J

[Doolhof]

Hi Juliet and anyone else who is reading this,

Holidays are wonderful aren't they! It is coming back and having to face reality again that is difficult. We went on a two week cruise a couple of years ago. We only had to unpack once, didn't have to worry about where we would eat or what we would have, no dishes or cleaning up to do either!

I totally understand how you feel like your life is slipping away. I have days like that as well when I think what on earth am I doing this for! Unfortunately I have to work as do you no doubt.

To compensate for feeling lousy about life sometimes, I try to make the most of each day. If I see a rose during my day, I try to stop to sniff it. I take time to look at the clouds, the sky, my surroundings when I can. Not so good when I am driving though!

Mindfulness to me is being aware of what is happening around you. To take the time to sense life in every way you can. For example to enjoy a meal and not just scoff it down, you might like to consider how the food is presented, the different colours, the smell, the taste of the different ingredients.

You don't need to carry out a science project, just be a little more aware of what is on your plate.

It might sound a bit weird! Maybe you could Google Mindfulness and see what you come up with. I did a course on Mindfulness years ago to help with my Borderline Personality Disorder and depression.

While you are sitting in traffic, do you listen to music in your car? I know some people borrow "Talking Books" from the library or even teaching or information CD's.

While you are still feeling reluctant to find professional help, maybe doing a little research along the way might help you discover ways of making life more worthwhile for you.

Cheers again from Dools

[Juliet_84]

I know, holidays are brilliant in that they show you what your life could be like, but also depressing because then you become acutely aware of what also what it's not. 

I hadn't realized that's what mindfulness was, I think I've been inadvertently practicing it for the last few months in an attempt to make myself feel better. I take the time at the moment to feel the sun on my skin, and try and do things that I enjoy such as reading in bed. I've also started French lessons, and listen to these in the car on the way home. I would love to live in the south of France one day and this makes it feel like less of a pipe dream. I'm hoping that these things will help build up my strength little by little. I've also stopped doing things that don't enrich my life (much to my mother's displeasure), aka things that I "must" do out of obligation such as going to 2nd cousins baby showers etc. Instead I  now only doing things that I actually enjoy, I have two days per week free and clear and I'm going to use them to help dig myself out of this hole!

[Doolhof]

Hi again Juliet,

Good on you for wanting to make the most of the two days off you have each week.

Who knows, one day you may get to live in France! Learning French in the car is certainly a very good way to spend your time.

Many years ago I had an operation on my back and had to spend almost a year just laying around inside the house due to the immense pain.

At the same time a girlfriend was travelling around the world for 6 months. I decided to have a world tour myself. So I sent my husband down to the library to find other people's travel stories that I could read. I "went" on some wonderful adventures...without even leaving home.

Sometimes our dreams do not become reality, but I still like to dream all the same.

Finding a balance in life between the things we need to do and the things we would like to do is not always easy.

From what you have written, it looks like you are trying hard to make the most of life.

All the best.

[Bodey294]

hello Juliet! 

my name is Bodey and first of all would like to say welcome to the BB community and that you have made a big step by expressing yourself so honestly to others on this forum. secondly mindfulness is a meditative technique designed to help you manage stress by leaving your unhelpful and negative thoughts and using your five sense to return to the here and now. i recommend downloading the Smiling Mind app if you have a smart phone as it teaches you how to achieve this through easy to use voice over instructions. This is a skill that is not only practical for your particular situation but great for everyday continual use to keep a level head. there are things YOU can do to manage depression... here are a few: 1. be active for 5 minutes even if you don't feel like it and see if your mood has changed for the better (even a little) from before, 2. avoiding negative criticism (there are different types: criticism that fits our mental filter (or a depressed frame of mind) only helps us to see the world from one angle so we only get a limited amount of information therefore we assume one concrete thing, over-generalising is self explanatory and again is limiting to our perception, mind reading happens when we assume another persons thoughts when we are nervous which is typically negative when we are in a low mood), 3. remember that thoughts are not facts! all of these are practical ways in POSITIVELY coping with stress and depression 

i hope this helped 🙂 

[Juliet_84]

Hi Bodey,

Thanks so much, I'll check out the app! Avoiding the negative criticism may be harder as I am surrounded by  some fairly critical people, however I can control what I tell myself so I will try to be that positive voice.