A warm welcome to you at such a deeply challenging time in your life. I'm hoping that coming here gives you some of the answers and direction you need.
I think when we're depressed it's easy to be so tough on our self. Personally, I've found part of this can be about the internal dialogue, besides the depressing chemistry that can come about while in a depression. It can also be about the lack of direction and lack of much needed guidance and support. So many different factors all going on at once. Sometimes it's not until we begin to make sense of it all that we can come to say 'No wonder I feel and think the way I do'. Making greater sense of what's led us to a certain point can involve making sense of what a lot of the emotions and thoughts or beliefs are really about. Can be so overwhelming and challenging when there is just so much going on.
Wondering if you've managed to find anyone who's been able to help you make some sense of a lot of the challenging emotions and thoughts that have led you to feel and think in the ways you do or whether this is the first step you've taken on the path of greater self understanding.
