Hi everyone, I'm back.

[Guest_4643]

Hi everyone, mb20lover here. I wasn't sure where to post this.

It's been a while since I was on the forums, so I just wanted to make a post saying that I'm back. However, I'll try my best to limit my time, comments, etc on here.

I won't bother tagging anyone, and I'll try to keep this as my only open thread that I have created.

I've missed everyone I've spoken to on here, and I hope to talk to some new people. I have been using my offline supports - my Psychiatrist, GP, Parent support of course, and a Social Worker. I'm in the process of finding a Psychologist but I'm having no luck.

Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and say hello, and also I hope I haven't upset anyone on the forums or anything like that because nothing was intentional, so I deeply apologise.

An update on me, I recently turned 21, can't do much with COVID though, it's a hard year for everyone unfortunately.

I also have a milestone, an achievement, I've been seeing my Psychiatrist for a year which is the longest I've stayed with a therapist. And I also finally have a GP I feel comfortable with. I'm on different meds that seem to be working a little but I still of course have my moments, but these meds I've been on the longest for out of any of the ones I've tried.

Other than that, please don't feel pressured to comment anyone, although it would be nice to connect with some people, old or new, but like I said that's okay. I just wanted to check in.

If you've read this and made it this far, thank you. Stay safe and take care everyone, as much as possible with the unfortunate COVID circumstances.

Thinking of all the Beyond Blue Mods & Users. I've missed everyone.

- mb20lover.

[Matchy69]

Hi Tayla I am so sorry you are feeling so down and the helplines are not helping.I care about you and so do others on here.I wish I could make things better for you.
Thinking of you,
Mark.

[Guest_4643]

Thanks Mark and Lillylane. It sucks. I don't have any friends I can speak to or see. People here just ignore me whether they're young or old when I say hi, and just glare at me.

I'm meant to have an Ultrasound tomorrow regarding my last period being heavy on the 3rd day (sorry TMI) but I don't think there's anything wrong and I hate Ultrasounds so I think I'll cancel it and tell my GP why when I see him. I don't know. They make me anxious for the results.

[Guest_4643]

On a brighter note, it's my idol, Rob Thomas's birthday today.

For those who don't know, he's a solo singer and also the singer of Matchbox Twenty (that's what my username is short for - MB20) and Tabitha's Secret, the band before Matchbox Twenty.

He's saved my life through existing and all of his music. He's beautiful inside and out. I got to see him live in 2019 and I miss it so much, I hope I can see MB20 one day and meet him, that's all I want in life.

[Matchy69]

Hi Tayla I know how akward having ultra sounds are especially when you got to drink a lot of water.I have them regularly along with CT scans and MRIs that I have regularly. If you have it it may show something or rule something out but I will leave it with you what you want to do.
Take care,
Mark.

[Guest_4643]

Hey Mark, sorry to hear you've had them a lot. I've never had an MRI but I've had CT Scans, when I had the Cyst, they were going to do an MRI but didn't. I decided I don't want to go because I feel ok and my Psychiatrist said that the antidepressant thins the blood like another med, so I'm not worried, I feel ok.

Plus with the stuff from when I had the Cyst, it would trigger my PTSD, I don't need that right now.

I'm already having a PTSD attack at the moment, it's unbearable. I need someone to talk to, please. 

[Ggrand]

Hey Tayla..

You okay?...I’m here for a little longer..if you feel like talking...

Whats happening to you..sweetheart..

[Guest_4643]

Hi Grandy, sorry I didn't reply earlier. I haven't been on here much.

I was just having flashbacks and thoughts about something from high school, a guy I used to like mostly, who I was mentally abused by for the 5 years I liked him. I was in love, we never dated, which is a good thing.

I have awful dreams about him like where we k**l each other in very graphic ways, but also good romantic dreams. Mostly nightmares. I can't shake it. That's where a lot of my PTSD comes from. I try to address it but no one wants to.

My parents know about it, vaguely. I feel like he controls my thoughts. I was just trying to be his friend and apologise for the stuff I did because I was 14 when I first met him. He thought I was stalking him and said he tried to get an IVO, but he was just threatening me, he didn't actually do anything. But I'm really worried that I'll still get something in the mail or worse although he doesn't know my address.

He lied to me about things like having no money but they go holidaying around Australia a lot and eat at fancy restauraunts often, and they have a 2 storey house with a pool (seen photos of it, never been) and he even went to Europe for a few weeks by himself.

I hate it, I feel like he controls my thoughts and dreams. I don't even speak to him because of what I wrote above, or anyone he knows (his friends etc). I can't forget it. I don't even think of him and it happens. It triggers me so much.

I heard some guy who's voice sounded like his when I was walking and that's what triggered it. I don't know if it was him, I hope it wasn't. I'm always worried I'll see him, because if I do, I'll argue with him and probably be physical, and I'm not that type of person.

It's a very long depressing story. I can't even address it and work on it, like EMDR, I can't find anyone who does it. I want to try and tell my Psychiatrist but we don't talk about it. I keep a lot of it inside.

He didn't hurt me physically thankfully, but he did mentally. Yes there we good moments like when he flirted with me which I still remember and I'm thankful for, since he liked me too. We didn't talk to each other much because we were too shy.

I was in love with this guy, he was perfect to me, and I couldn't see past it, despite so many people warning me, even people I wasn't friends with and just went to high school with. A few people hated him but I was too oblivious.

I feel so stupid and blame myself for falling for him but he made me do so. I wanted to marry him etc.

[Matchy69]

Hi Tayla our hearts really rule our head at time.It has happened to me and lots of other people and you do feel pretty stupid at times for who we fall for and how it can effect our lives.I am sorry this has happened to you and caused PTSD for you.Talking about it and opening up about it is a step on the right direction.
Take care,
Mark.

[Ggrand]

Dear Tayla...

I’m sorry that happened to you...

I understand triggers very well and how hard they are to manage...My Counsellor told me when you feel your going down with something that triggered you with sound...as soon as you can put on a happy song that I like or some music...it helps to manage the vocal triggers...maybe you can try that next time....it does help...

Nightmares are horrible..I also can get them at different times..especially going to bed with a chatty mind...that’s why I suggested “Sleep stories” by Dan Jones..he’s a hypnotist and know how to calm a chatty mind if you listen fully to his stories...they are peaceful stories about nature etc.,,his voice is soothing and calming....

Your ex b/f..lied to you..which says he is not very honest..if he loved or cared for you he wouldn’t have lied to you...plus you never dated so you really didn’t get to know him properly his true self.....which is what dating is all about......Honestly Tayla...he isn’t worthy of you...nor your time in thought......I hope you realise that..you deserve a beautiful caring partner who thinks the world of you...not someone who lied to you...

I doubt it was your ex..you have moved to this new town a couple of years ago......and as you said he doesn’t know your address...

Maybe your Psychiatrist...realises that EMDR..isn’t a good fit for your recovery...it’s not everyone..it could make things worse for you...have you asked him why he doesn’t talk about it to you..

Please don’t feel stupid...or blame yourself....we can’t help who we fall in love with....Its not your fault at all...So please be more gentle on yourself..

Love and hugs lovely Tayla..

Grandy..

[Guest_4643]

Hi Mark and Grandy, thanks. I appreciate it. Yeah I never dated the guy but I guess in a way he sort of is an ex, he's my first crush, so.

I'm sorry it's happened to you also Mark, some people are just terrible. My Psychiatrist said EMDR may be helpful, I meant we don't really discuss the stuff I mentioned with the guy, sometimes I try to bring it up but yeah, it depends. Sorry I must've written that wrong.

I'm just scared about seeing him somewhere and the IVO, he just said that to threaten me and didn't do anything but I'm worried there's still something. He never knew my address near school and doesn't now, nor do I know his.

Threatening someone is a bad thing and isn't it illegal, whether it's online or in person? I keep it to myself, my parents vaguely know like I said but not about that. I wasn't even stalking the guy, I don't know where he lives and I wouldn't do that to anyone.

I was just trying to reach him on Facebook and some people I know messaged him for me because he didn't respond and we had each other blocked at some points. I admit, I made mistakes, I was young and naive, I had other things going on and I was stupid for falling for him and getting involved.

He was sweet at the time, a lovely cute guy. Now look, sigh. I worry about him because he told me he had health issues like cancer (I think this part is true because he was on life support), so I worry about stuff like that. If I was his girlfriend, I would've given him the world, been in hospital with him if I could, just been a good girlfriend, if I could've dated him. Who knows what could've happened though.

He even messaged me on Facebook once after school also when I was 14 and he had his friends over and asked if I wanted to have sex cause his parents aren't home, then said it was a joke. that's not right, it made me uncomfortable.

Sigh, why me? I feel sorry for anyone who has been through abuse of any kind. Mine was mental but it still takes a toll.