Here We Go Again

Cucuboth · ‎02-01-2017

So, here we go again. In to yet another year. Another year that starts like the last one ended. And the one before that. And before that. And continue that another 25+ times. Had another Christmas alone. And another New Year's Eve. My therapist said to try and get my family involved in some form of physical contact ... a hug for instance. But no. They don't want to. So that's that door shut. Again. And they are the only people in my life. I've been writing to another online forum as well as this one, but, it's not doing much good. A lot of same old cliched 'advice' that I have tried to death already. A few that say "message me if you want to talk", so I do, and never hear from them again. Not that any are in Australia anyway. The feeling of isolation is just .... it's like I am being choked. Slowly. I called Lifeline yet again, and yet again got the same disinterest. Yay Lifeline ... way to make someone feel even more worthless. It's going to be another year of the same thing. There's no more hope to hold on to. Just like there's nobody who will hold me. Maybe there is some kind of symmetry in that, I don't know. I can't do this on my own, and yet there is nobody who wants to help. There's only so many times you can 'put yourself out there' again. And again. And again. Only so many hobbies you can have. Only so many times you can ignore it, focus on something else and hope that it will happen 'someday when you least expect it'. Because it never does. I'm just expected to shut up and be happy alone. To be happy, lonely. And I just can't do that.

Cucuboth · ‎13-01-2017

That's the thing though. Everyone seems to be uncomfortable if I mention, or even just the thought, of me wanting physical contact with someone. Even the therapist seems to get uncomfortable with it. They all have, male or female it doesn't seem to matter. But that's how it's always been for me. Everyone gets uncomfortable with me around, even as a little kid, let alone with any physical contact with me. Even when someone says that I can talk to them about anything, it seems to have that undisclosed provision that it doesn't include any talk of anything that will actually help me. I suppose it just ... is it any wonder that I feel so lonely and isolated? That what might help me get away from that, something I've never had in my life, is the very thing nobody wants to even talk about, let alone actually try.

It's so frustrating. Beyond frustrating. Sitting here typing this in tears because it feels like I am reaching yet another dead-end. Why do people feel so uncomfortable with me? Is it because for them, for most people, things like friends and relationships and physical contact just happens, while for me, I have to ask ... which is humiliating enough in itself, let alone to always get turned away, everyone always hoping that someone else will do it, as long as it's not them, or that I will just shut up and forget it about it. But I don't even have to talk to people for them to feel uncomfortable around me. I can even just say a simple, friendly "Hello" and I get told to get stuffed.

Someone use said to me, joking and making fun of me of course, that because everyone else found happiness, someone had to be unhappy. And I was it. Maybe they were right. Was I born to be, to feel, like this? It's not how I want to live. Like a monster. A monster nobody wants to be around. A monster nobody wants to be seen with. A monster nobody wants to talk to. A monster nobody wants to touch.

White_Rose · ‎13-01-2017

Hello Cucuboth

I have been meaning to ask you, what does your name mean? Is it made up, a name from a different language? I am intrigued.

I must ask, did you really read my previous post? I spoke about someone who has a similar problem to you. Not the need to have physical contact, but the need to talk about one subject all the time. Your posts are generally about this one subject and in real life we enjoy a variety of discussions and interactions. Hugging is not what happens between people who have just met, and neither is talking about it constantly. Sorry if I sound harsh. I am not pushing you away or saying there is no help for you. I am trying to say you need a number of topics for conversation, otherwise you become like the person I described, and truly it is irritating.

I also mentioned Toastmasters, an excellent organisation. Here you can learn to hold a conversation, get appropriate feedback on what you say. Talk about the weather, politics, books you enjoy, your hobbies, the latest government scandal, the news, anything that strikes your fancy except the desire to be held or touched, I know it is painful but this is how most people communicate and how they give and receive verbal 'touches'. I want to lose weight but I think I would lose friends very quickly if that was all I talked about. And it's the same with any topic, there is only so much to be said before your audience drifts off.

You wrote, Everyone seems to be uncomfortable if I mention, or even just the thought, of me wanting physical contact with someone. So stop asking or talking about it and try for other conversational openings. Go to Toastmasters where you will learn to hold conversations. Sometimes the way forward is to step back a little and wait until the time is right. Was I born to be, to feel, like this? It's not how I want to live. Like a monster. No you were not born to be a monster. The person who said, because everyone else found happiness, someone had to be unhappy. Well that's very convenient but I wonder if that person was reaching out to you in a way. It may be a joke in poor taste, but it was a response.

Cucuboth, please try for one day to talk to several people without once referring to be held and touched. Note their reaction to you, not that they do not want to meet your need. Then come back here and tell me about it. Really examine what was said, by whom, to whom. Just try for one day. I look forward to your next post.

Mary

Guest_1055 · ‎13-01-2017

Hello again,

Looks like we are both in tears today.... Am I understanding you at all like all you want is to connect, be accepted for who you are, understood, loved, liked, and held and hugged in a way that you do feel all of the above?

You know you are not alone in this, I too find it challenging to connect with others, and relationship of any kind do not come naturally to me. It is something that I am learning how to do, perhaps you are the same there?? As my tears today are from that very thing. We just want so desperately for others to accept, care about us etc, and it hurts when they don't. Even when one has a couple of friends it still is challenging, That is my experience.

I am now very cautious of making things harder, frustrating or painful for you. So I do hope I haven't....

I am glad you did the "5 love languages" test thingy. Did you find it gave you any insight as to why you react to certain things? Like help in any way? I do long to have some good answers for you, but I don't really have any. I am just struggling as well in life. One thing that stands out, and it may help, if you aren't already doing it.... is to focus on others, like take our eyes of ourselves for a while. Anyway it is just an idea..

And if I lived near you, I would be happy to visit with you for a friendly chat.

And did you look up into the night sky last night? I did, whilst floating on my back in a pool near the ocean.

Shell

Croix · ‎14-01-2017

Dear Cucuboth~

My invitation to come over to Forums/ BB Social Zone/ Croix Parler and have a talk about SF related matters is still good.

Why do I offer? Well frankly 2 reasons:

1st, I enjoy sharing views on SF, what I've read and seen, and what other have too - I can get something fresh out of it. Admittedly my repertoire is old, 1940's to 1980's, but there might be common ground - The Forbidden Planet, Flowers for Algernon, Alien, Recluse ...

2nd, you've mentioned not having people relate to you as you'd like. Practice here. The rule is it's light and interesting, an escape; I promise not to discuss my problems, and I'd expect the same from you.

R.S.V.P.

Croix

Cucuboth · ‎14-01-2017

Mary,

My name comes from a character in a Star Wars book, Jorus C'baoth. One time, quite a while ago now, I was trying to think of a name for my character in a video game, so I named it after Jorus C'baoth. But, I couldn't remember how to spell his last name correctly, and so got it wrong, and my character was Jorus Cucuboth. After that, I decided to use the name more often for the simple reason of that nobody else would be using it.

I guess it is of no surprise that Toastmasters has been suggested to me in the past, and I went along to the local one, but it just wasn't a place for me.

Of course I read your previous post. I'm sorry if I was too upset that day to reply properly. Of course I can talk about other things, but, there isn't anyone to talk with, so mentioning physical contact in daily conversation isn't an issue, because I don't have anyone to have any daily conversation with. I haven't had a social conversation since about 1996. Since 1999 all my conversation has been with doctors, therapists, and case managers. I can't even get past a smile and a "hello" without either being ignored or getting a mouthful of abuse in return.

Also, I came here to talk about it, as it becoming an increasing massive roadblock to me getting better, and there's just nobody for me to talk to about it, without getting that reaction and feeling like it is ignored and swept under the carpet, or someone getting angry about it. I came here to hopfully be able to talk about it and get some new, different suggestions as to how to find a way to experience it, and maybe find someone to make a connection with along the way.

It's very, very important to me, and I'm sorry if you get annoyed and fed up with it, but it's becoming unbareable for me to live like this, and I just want to experience it.

White_Rose · ‎14-01-2017

Hello Cucuboth

Thanks for telling me about your name. It's a good idea to have a name no one else is likely to choose.

I am not annoyed with you, though perhaps this is the impression that came across. BB is here to listen to you and to support you as much as possible. It is frustrating that we appear unable to help you and in part, that was the reason for my reply. Everything that is suggested you have already tried so it gets a distressing to stand on the sidelines and watch.

So let me turn the question around. What is it you would like us to do for/with you? Where or how can we help you? I think constantly writing lists of activities becomes demoralising both to the person making the suggestions and to you. Can we talk about what you do?

You said, Also, I came here to talk about it, as it becoming an increasing massive roadblock to me getting better, and there's just nobody for me to talk to about it, without getting that reaction and feeling like it is ignored and swept under the carpet, or someone getting angry about it. I came here to hopfully be able to talk about it and get some new, different suggestions as to how to find a way to experience it, and maybe find someone to make a connection with along the way. I wonder what else we can offer. May I ask what kind of therapy does your psych offer? CBT is the most usual but there are lots of other processes. Can we talk about anything you have come across in your therapy sessions? Do you think this may be helpful?

Cheers, Mary

Just Sara · ‎15-01-2017

Good afternoon Cucuboth;

You've got quite a thread going here with masses of support from members and Community Champions alike. You must be so grateful for the compassion you've received yes?

I'm probably known around this site as a straight shooter, and I like others to be straight with me too. If you're not happy with my post, then read on and lamb baste me when I'm done ok?

You use the words; 'always', 'never', 'nothing', 'nobody', 'fed up', 'unbearable' and so on with such frequency, it's difficult for the caring and beautiful souls on here to connect with you.

Croix has invited you to converse with him on two occasions without response. So 'never' being invited anywhere for anything isn't really correct is it?

Shelly wrote an incredibly touching account of her feelings being similar to yours, with such emotion, and not a word about it from you.

I put the following to you with respect..

Not once have you asked anyone on here how they are. You've not shown any sense of empathy or caring for anyone, not even yourself. These people you're conversing with, have had their guts ripped out from the most horrific, unimaginable trauma's and have taken time out of their day to support you. Where's your thanks, validation and respect for them? You haven't put one question to anyone since posting. Who are you talking with? How can you converse 'with' people if you don't want to know anything about 'them'?

The admiration and respect I have for all the people who've responded to you is without comparison. I also have this for myself because I've earned it and so have all the above individuals. We've done the hard yards of 'self exploration' and grown from it. Our support and advice is without exception due to this; we're living our recovery.

One of the most powerful indications of a person's 'intent', is how they treat others as well as themselves. I'm not convinced you've done 'everything' my friend. By that I mean...you don't know how to listen!

Self pity with anger is a diseased round-a-bout; there's no end to it until you get off.

You're absolutely welcome to discuss any issue I've raised here, I'm open to it for sure. Ask questions, comment on what I've written or ignore me. It's up to you. I've said all this because I do give a damn. If I didn't I wouldn't have said anything.

Kindness with tough love...

Sara

Guest_1055 · ‎15-01-2017

Hi Cucoboth,

Friendly virtual hug for you.....I thought I would pop into your thread (or place), to visit, if you would have me. I baked these virtual cookies for you, they are cut out into shapes of stars. I do hope you see them. Hope you are okay there?

Shell

Cucuboth · ‎16-01-2017

Hi Shelley,

Thank you for the hugs, and the cookies. Sorry I haven't replied to your earlier post, but the last couple of days I just sort of mentally and physically shut down. One of those depressive lows where you just don't feel you have the energy to even move. Which is true, in a way. I feel so tired. Inside. In my heart. Even deeper than that. Just so very tired.

In your last post you said "Am I understanding you at all like all you want is to connect, be accepted for who you are, understood, loved, liked, and held and hugged in a way that you do feel all of the above?". Correct. Absolutely correct. To be accepted and understood, and liked, for who I am. For me. Not because I'm trying to be someone else, or trying to be something that I'm not (the old 'fake it till you make it' advice there). Others seem to find it, I guess I've always wondered why I can't. I'm well aware that I'm not perfect, and although I might not like all my imperfections, I'm well aware that some of them can, and will, change. I also accept that nobody else is perfect either. It just seems that others imperfections are accepted and tolerated, while mine are held up as glaring reasons why I am disliked, why I don't fit in anywhere.

I think, almost more importantly than being accepted and understood, and liked, and the physical contact, is to know that someone chooses to do, to share those things with me. That they have made the choice to share those things with me, rather than just simply be paid to say or do them. I don't know what it's like to still feel lonely even with friends, because I've never had any.

I hope you're OK today. That it's been, at least, a tolerable day. And that it's not too hot where you are, like it is here.

Cucuboth · ‎16-01-2017

Hi Mary,

Yes, most of my therapy has been CBT. While it's helpful in some things, I don't find it to be very helpful in other areas. Just sitting in a room and talking about things, or doing role playing to practice communication techniques, doesn't really make it any better out here in the 'real world' where I don't have anyone to talk or be with. And of course, it doesn't help at all with the lack of physical contact. Sometimes in therapy, the therapist has asked me why I don't cry more during a session, and I tell them that I don't want to cry alone anymore, that that hurts just as much as what makes me cry. That I just want to be held when I cry for once. Of course, a therapist can't do that. And there's nobody who will.

I've also tried somatic therapy. I don't know if you know about that, but it's about breathing techniques, and a sort of meditation. Needless to say, I found that even less helpful than CBT. I've also had a therapist tell me that I should do buddhist meditation, which just .. well .. no. I'm not spiritual.

Of course I've also done group therapies, where it's supposed to be safe and free of judgment and all that, but, I found them to be just like any other attempt at being around other people. I've also had a therapist send me to group therapy for people who have experienced trauma. Well, it was a men's only group. But because I hadn't experienced any physical trauma, like from a car accident, or mental trauma from a physical experience, I felt like I wasn't taken very seriously, was isolated (as usual), and told repeatedly to just go and pay for physical contact.

"So let me turn the question around. What is it you would like us to do for/with you? Where or how can we help you?". I suppose that's the thing. I don't know. I can't tell someone what they should, or can, do to help. The best I can say is what would you do if you had a friend who came to you and said that they feel like I do? It's not like this has been going on for only a couple of months, or a few years, but most, if not really all my life. 40 years. And it doesn't get better over time. I'm here because it's getting worse, and there's nobody and nowhere to turn to. But I can't say what someone should do, because I can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Maybe knowing that just adds to the isolation.

I hope your OK today.