Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

[Neil_1]

What’s it all for.  

Go to work to do aimless stuff.  

I work out at the gym – continual working out, but am I getting any bigger?  Doubt it.  

Injured my bicep in November and it’s still giving me grief.  

I’ve stopped one of the really enjoyable things in life (having beers at night) and this is giving me grief as well. I mean if it wasn’t for my fat stomach, there’d be no need to go off it.  

Feel tired so much – and I thought it was just in the morning, but now it’s getting to me during the arves as well now.  

Am a hopeless joke of a father to my son.  Thank goodness that our daughter is a ripper!  But then she's turned out that way largely to her Mum's influence.  But our son just frustrates the hell out of me and makes me so sad and mad.  He won't go to bed early - that's a source of aggravation.  I’ve stuffed up so badly. I doubt there’d be another household that would be like ours – where our son basically gets everything that he wants.  And grumbles a lot of the time too.  But that's just another balloon of my depression.

Want to just lie down in bed.

Also have a sore right glute/hamstring attachment;  and also sore lower back, due to me being a 'paper boy' every Tuesday evening.

But yeah, these are just some of my stressors at the moment - tears still won't come - but I find I'm getting mad and angry INSIDE me;  that it's all balling up into a tightness but it won't explode and if it did, I don't know in what form it would come out.

I feel like a sham as well - I post to others and reply and support, but all the time I'm feeling just a joke of a person who has my own battles.  But then I turn it around and think, well at least posting here is possibly one of the things that I can do that is perhaps 'right'.  I mean, the amount of feedback I've had from you wonderful people has shown me that.

But with all these stressors at the moment and the massive question is:  what’s it all for??  Where is the next smile going to come from? But really, will a smile make all that much of a difference??  

What do I want??????    I don’t know – not to be continually stuck in an office everyday of the week.  Not to be injured.  Well, neither of these will ever come true – well one will but that’s so far off in the  future that it’s not worth thinking about and the other one would be if I stopped one of my biggest passions in life – to work out.

So the clock ticks on, the day progresses and the endless cycle just continues on.

Thanx for reading.

Neil

[Neil_1]

Hi Genimo

Thanx for your response back and great to hear from you again.

That's an interesting analogy about there being a depression tree.  You know if there was I'd love to take to it with:  an axe, a chainsaw or even just drive copper nails into it (is that true, that copper nails kills trees?  I've held that belief for a long long time now and don't know).

Genimo, may I ask if you've got one or two "close" friends?  I ask this, as have you thought about approaching them to talk to, say even one of them to let them know how you're feeling?  Perhaps even ask if you could take up with one of them as being an exercise partner?   Out for walks, etc??

Neil

[Vera55]

What about starting your own website Neil, called "ASK NEIL" and selling your book as an ebook? Publishing these days is risky and you will never recoup your costs if you self publish.

you could do a blog, utube, etc. your kids will probably know more then me what's 'in' at the moment regarding cool ways of getting your message across. 

we could all be your consultants on the site. /.-) 

Dear Mary, 

yes why put pressure on yourself when the planets are not aligned for you to abstain. I fully agree. In the scheme of what we struggle with drinking or not drinking stays in the cue until ready to be tackled. 

Kind regards Vera

 We could all be consultants on the site.

its not as crazy as it sounds because people have a need to connect as is evident by these forums

Dear Mary, 

yes why put pressure on yourself when the planets are not aligned for you to abstain. I fully agree. In the scheme of what we struggle with drinking or not drinking stays in the cue until ready to be tackled. 

Kind regards Vera

[Neil_1]

Hi Mary

Oh your response had me smiling big time.

Jack Reacher - 6 foot something - a BIG guy - and in the movie, they have Tom Cruise portraying him - duh!!????  But yes, it wasn't an overly bad movie.

That is so funny, all the books I've read - ie:  ALL of them, I have ém all upstairs in our study - I never thought ONCE about a deodorant/BO situation.  🙂  That's actually pretty funny.  Yes, the clothes thing, but the body smell - hmmmm, and also now I think of it, he only has a toothbrush.  I've only ever brushed my teeth with just a toothbrush on a couple of occasions (ok ok, yes, I was secretly doing my Jack Reacher impersonation - but I always sprayed deodorant first thing) but to brush your teeth without toothpaste, well you may as well just use your finger!  So where does his toothpaste come from as well?

So much to discuss about this famous fictional (is that the right word) character - but it's still a good read though.  🙂

Cheers

Neil

[Vera55]

What happened here? Goblins on this site. Weird

[Mares73]

Oh thankgod! After 2and 1/2 hours of trying to respond i finally can!!!

Dear precious Neil, thinking of you this wet Sunday Sydney morning. I stried to write to you last night but can't seem to hit the reply button or it doesn't work often so I think my iPads on the way out. I've asked my husband to consider buying me the cheapest Mac available as my daughter has one & has had no problems. I also started a new thread "Goodluck Jo" so that people who wanted to could wish her luck as she's very anxious so at least I managed to get around my problem by starting a new thread. She already had about 70 responses so it was kind of time for a new thread anyway. Neil you are a great writer. Can I ask what training you've had in general & what kind of work you do? It would be fantastic if we could support you in investigating the best method to get your work published. My daughter for example has a blog where she writes stories and already has over 1000 followers. If we could find a way to make it financially viable for you it would be great. You would make a brilliant online counsellor-which must be a growing industry given the lack of personal time and the need for privacy. This is really worth pursuing & investigating Neil-ill start to look into it. I'd say there's a definite need. How are you feeling today? I hope nothing I've said in my msgs has upset you-I would never ever want that to happen. I care about you deeply. Are you feeling any better? Lve Mares xxx

[Jo3]

Hey Neil,

It's Sunday afternoon and I was thinking of you and hoping you are having a nice day with your family.

How are you coping within yourself?

Just a short note to say hi 

take care,

Jo

[Vera55]

Hello Mares. It's not your ipad but the 3G connection that is the problem. 

Talked to tech people on Bb and they advised to persevere until the upgrade later in the year. 

I have to copy and paste all my posts before I send them because it takes at least three goes before they post. 

Very annoying  because the system error message comes up so often.  Vera

[Neil_1]

Hi all,

Dear Maresy - have you said anything to me that has upset me?  ABSOLUTELY NOT.  No way - so please don't ever be thinking that.  You're a wonderful caring person with a massively loving nature and boy, it sure does show out.  Brilliant great qualities Mares.  Don't ever lose those.  I doubt you will, because that's just the person that you are.

As for me, I'm just an ordinary mid-level range public servant with no special qualities - or no special educational achievements (although I do have a certificate that I completed a 25 metre swim in Primary School!!)  🙂

I entered the public service, whoa way back in 1984 - as a typist.  I studied for a year in my home town and found a job at the end of '84 as a typist.  Probably the first male typist in the public service.  Amazing to think back then, that there was a typing pool and all the public service folk had to write up what they wanted onto paper and send it down to the typing pool, where we'd type up their drafts - often times damn hard to read due to their bad writing.  Although never as bad as any dr's hand writing!!  Wow, haven't things changed.  Those were the days of tea-ladies coming around mid-morning and mid-arve.

So yeah, I've constructed my life story till now - into a manuscript - the book that the publishing company was going to produce for me was going to be approximately 308 pages ... you know, if it can get wings to take off, I would be immensely proud to share my story to the public and beyond.  This company was going to produce it via e-books as well, which is all news to me - just a techo dinosaur is me.

But for today:   I by total mistake upset a mate of mine at the gym this arve - I don't know what happened exactly or why I did it, but I just mucked around with him just a bit too much;  I sensed something was wrong and went to him and said sorry and said I was just joking (which I was) - he pretty much told me that it didn't seem that way and pretty much turned his back on me.  I immediately stopped my workout - any energy for workout etc had gone - I was shattered.  I went on to a treadie, and pulled my cap down low in front of my face and hammered myself on the treadie.  By the time I looked up, 35 mins later, my mate was gone and I was just so upset.  I texted him and apologised majorly - he responded saying that he was ok and everything was cool and he was sorry as his head was in a bad place - but it still affected me so deeply.  I got home and bawled my eyes out into my partner's shoulder.  Lost gallons of tears - even though he said things were ok, it really really hurt me, because I'm not that kind of person, never.  And so, yeah, I'm in a kind of low, sensitive place right now.

Cheers

Neil

[geoff]

dear Neil, my friend, thanks for telling us what has happened to you.

What I can say is that when someone is still suffering from depression like all of us and we say something which upsets the other person, then this can really dig deep within our hearts, because we are very susceptible to how this person feels, and because we have broken this link between us, then we are our worst nightmare.

It may seem as though it's a joke, expecting the other person to see the funny side, but when they don't and become either angry, take it as an insult and then become let down or upset then we feel as guilty as hell, so now the two of you are devastated, and it then takes quite awhile to overcome this feeling, even though they have accepted your apology.

You still feel apprehensive and then you have to rebuild this relationship, always careful about what you say next time.

Neil you meant no harm at all, just wanted to share a joke or saying, that's all, and your intention was never out to hurt this person.

With your great personality you will be able to reconnect again, and hopefully this person will see your side to the story.

Please Neil don't fall, but you are allowed to worry, because that's what you do for people on this site, take great care for them and offer great support. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Hi Geoff

Thank you so much for this response – it made 100% sense all the way through (as you always do).

Yes, I was low before that happened and for a lot of the time I’m there, I’m just hammering out a session, but kind of see them in the corner of my eye joking around, etc.  This time I tried and it backfired and it made me feel sick afterwards – and you’re right, I will feel apprehensive the next time I see him and the thing is, we actually don’t see as much of each other as we used too.  I see others a lot more, but this fella is usually only a weekend when I generally see him.

Yes, no harm is ever meant – you would probably imagine me as the kind of guy who will pick up a beetle that’s inside a building and take it outside and put it somewhere safe – um, well, that’s cause I do do that.  Only did that in the gym about a week ago, saw this poor little black kind of beetle (and no, it definitely wasn’t a cockroach) so I picked him up and took him outside.  I wonder where and how he is now?

I was only thinking last night that these episodes for when I’ve cried of late – and gee there haven’t been many, have led me to really into deep fits of crying – not just a few tears, but really full on crying and sobbing.  It’s as I suspect – that there are absolutely masses of tears built up inside of me and when the floodgates open, THEY open. 

And though I still feel like crying right now, tears won’t come – but the feeling is there so often for me.  I’m now not willing them to come – in fact yesterday’s first batch of tears was when I was still in the gym and leaving – not full blown then, but they were visibly streaming down my face.

It’s just a long long process.  It’s weird, I want to write more, but my mind has just semi-shut down.  (Phew thank goodness I hear you all sigh!)

 Neil