Hello for the first time

[Guest_55182962]

Hey internet humans. I've never used forums before, or anything like them, I'm a little nervous and unsure where to start. I think I'm looking for advice and/or personal stories of hope.

I've been dealing with depression in one form or another since I was a kid, for well over 20 years. I additionally found out that I have borderline personality disorder a couple of years ago, which put a lot of my teens into perspective. It's been a hard ride, particularly with romantic relationships. I find this particularly so because I think by nature I'm a really optimistic and hopeful person and I genuinely feel like I have so much to be grateful for. My experience of depression conflicts with who I feel I am. It's as though my emotions sit in total contrast from the way that I think.

I've been on SSRIs for eight years and tried to come off them several times because I feel like there are parts of myself I don't have access to when I'm on them. I lost an immediate family member to suicide and I feel like I haven't even been able to grieve properly. At the moment my external circumstances are really solid- my girlfriend is the most incredibly supportive, kind human that I've ever met, and we have such a healthy relationship in every way. We've just gotten engaged and I feel so unbelievably happy for that. I felt like now was the right time to come off medication, because I have never felt more safe, and I feel that if I don't come off meds now then I never will. I've been working on my self-care strategies for a long time now, and I think I'm more capable and tuned into myself than I've ever been too.

It's been three weeks, and I'm a mess. I knew withdrawing would be hard, hopefully harder than it would be when my body has settled. But the bad days are brutal, and I feel like I'm numb to the wonderful parts of my life, and can't feel anything properly except sadness. I don't feel as excited about my relationship with my partner, I find it hard to connect with her, and I'm in a state of frequent anxiety about every little thing, constantly worrying that something has changed between us, when the rational part of my brain knows that the thing that has changed is my brain. I feel helpless and hopeless. I feel like I don't get to be myself with meds, and I feel like without them I return to being a shell of a human that I remember being in the past. 

Has anyone got success stories of coming off medication and ways that they've managed to do without?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

It's satisfying to read your post to find you are so logical and also committed to your partner.

Imagine you are a motor car. Also imagine you are a little uncomfortable when your windscreen washer fluid has run out. Now imagine you have been manufactured without wheels. In your case your medication is your wheels. Cars without screen fluid are those with minor ailments like a head cold or skin rash. Those people can still travel through life but for those without wheels they have no option.

So the picture of an improved personal lifestyle, better happier environment or career won't provide you new wheels... they might paint your body or modify your engine but no wheels.

Patients like us often try many times to go off meds and the ramifications for us is high... for our partners its usually intolerable, frustrating and can lead to separation. The sad part about that is that the sufferer is usually not aware of the extent of the changes of behaviour. 

We are on meds because we need them to function closer to normality. If we have issues on that medication and/or dose then consult your GP for a review. Same with any change especially going off them altogether as severe problems can occur without that supervision. 

Last week I ran out of anti depressants. My wife collected them but I forgot to put them in with my other daily meds. For 5 days I was off the rails until we realised it. Now I'm relaxed, my anxiety is gone and I'm enjoying our holiday.

Below is a thread that might help.

Depression and the timing of motivation - Page 2 - Beyond Blue Forums - 149708 https://share.google/xehZuFHDjP20ao7Wr

Take care 

TonyWK 

[TrueSeeker]

Hello

We lost a close member of family to suicide too and I can understand how it can make us worry too.

We can get into a habit of thinking that is not healthy for us and it can be very hard to break the habit. We need to find which thoughts are causing our problems, prove them wrong and keep reminding ourselves till either the unhealthy thoughts go away or we know how to shut them down. This is not about escaping the thoughts it's about dealing with them head on.

It's not easy as we need to learn to relax so we can face the thoughts. I know that I keep repeating myself a lot but good relaxation techniques made a big difference in my and my partners life. We like walking and while doing it facing our thoughts and aligning them with reality. Sometimes even facing the distressing thoughts in a relaxed mode can make them less emotional.

I know that things can get very hard. But when we keep going, keep hoping, keep correcting unproductive thoughts and have patience, things will get better. Eventually the new thinking will become a habit and we'll be thinking better way even without knowing it.

I hope that it helped a little bit, please be nice to yourself and let us know how you're going whenever you feel like it

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you and congratulations on your engagement, such a landmark event.

I believe we come to life bit by bit as we go along. We can develop parts of us which can amaze us, parts that can excite us, parts that can motivate, guide and inspire us, parts that challenge us and on it goes. I can understand what you mean when you say you can't access certain parts of yourself while on meds. I can't help but wonder what those parts or facets are that you'd like to access and how you'd like to develop them. Maybe the adventurer in you or the sage in you or your inner researcher, inner writer or something else. There'll be something in you that's champing at the bit to come to life.

With wonderful parts of life, I've found that developing a greater sense of wonder can play a part. Maybe starting with something small could be the way to go, to begin with. The more a person wonders, the more full of wonder or wonderful they become. Is there anything in particular you'd like to begin wondering about or researching? How the chemistry of the brain and body work? Maybe where in the world tends to fascinate you the most. Considering traveling there could be another thing to wonder about, regarding future plans. Wondering about how energy works, inside and outside of the human body, and how such energy influences our life experience could lead you to wonder about certain aspects of quantum physics or maybe a more soulful or natural take on energy. Personally, I'd be lost without a sense of wonder, as it leads to a sense of fascination. A sense of this and a sense of that and before you know it you're starting to come to your senses. Of course, one of the hardest things to sense is exactly what the heck our chemistry's doing inside of our own body. With all of our chemistry triggering side effects, both positive and not so positive at times (regarding a deficiency), the question can sometimes be 'Am I sensing a lack of dopamine? Is this what's bringing me down? What's this serious lack of energy in motion or lack of excitement (aka 'numbness') really all about?'. Always pays to wonder. Bit of detective work can go a long way. 🙂