Have ruined lives

[Blue1556]

Hi, I’m new here.

I have struggled with depression a few times in the past 10 years but nothing like what I’m currently going through.

I’m a 33 yr old female, married with a 6 month old baby. I have wanted a baby for years and when I found out we were pregnant I was so happy. I really wanted to be an awesome mum and wife and I have failed dismally already to the point that I feel I have ruined all 3 of our lives.

It all started when we came home from hospital with our baby. Everything had gone well so far. I struggled with breastfeeding but had some help in hospital and wanted to keep going. A week later, I thought I was being proactive getting help, but turns out it was too late. My baby had been getting virtually no milk and has likely suffered brain damage due to this. We have an appointment with the paediatric neurologist soon, but I am struggling to imagine how I can possibly look at my child each day, knowing I’m responsible for her suffering.

I don’t know what to do because nothing can fix this. There’s no cure. I feel ashamed, complete guilt, and that I can never forgive myself.

I wanted to give her away, to find someone better to look after her, but everyone is saying that’s silly. And I know it is- it’s incomprehensible to me that I would ever want that, but so is the fact that we are in the situation that we are now due to my failures.

I have tried to get help, seen my GP, psychologist, called Panda, taking medications, voluntarily doing a parenting course. But I still feel completely distressed. And since everyone tells me I can’t give her away I just feel like running away and disappearing. Like I could hide, get a job and send money back for her care.

I can’t see a way to beat this depression. If I leave, I would be depressed and lonely. If I stay I will be depressed seeing the suffering I caused on a daily basis. Either way, 3 lives ruined and other people hurt by whatever I do.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Blue1556,

Thank you so much for sharing this. It sounds like you’re having an incredibly difficult time and carrying so much self-blame when it’s not your fault. We can hear that’s having a huge impact on you, and we can understand you’d be dealing with some incredibly difficult thoughts and feelings.

Experiencing all of this while being a new mum to your baby sounds hugely demanding, so please know that you’ve come to a safe, non-judgmental and supportive space to talk about this. It’s also really important to give yourself space to process these feelings and know you don’t need to act on any of the thoughts you’re having.  

Thank you for sharing the supports you’ve currently been reaching out to. We think it’s great that you’ve been talking to your GP and to PANDA. Have you received any follow up from the GP, like a mental health care plan and a referral to a mental health professional?

Please know that you're not alone with this, you can call the Beyond Blue helpline at any time, on 1300 22 4636. They can help you talk this through and will also be able to help you plan what's next so that you have that support in place. We think continuing to speak to PANDA is important too, on 1300 726 306. Reaching out is so important for those moments when you don’t know what to do. Other options are Lifeline on 13 11 14, as well as the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.

We hope you're able to be kind to yourself through this, as you've been so kind in sharing your experience here. We can imagine you’re dealing with some incredibly difficult thoughts and feelings, given what you’ve been through, but please know that in sharing this here, you are showing incredible strength, resilience and love. We hope you can see how inspirational this is.

We're sorry to hear how things have been, and we want you to know that we're here for you. You never know how your story might help someone else, so do feel free to share more if you're comfortable to. Our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I could sit here and suggest that it isnt your fault. Well that's exactly what I'm going to do, please let me explain dear Blue.

The mother of our kids, we had our first child and she had Cholic. For 3 months our baby refused to be breast fed and my wife and I struggled so much and with the baby crying non stop. My wife only 22yo and immature, anyway we persisted and finally the visiting nurse explained the damage we could cause if we didnt introduce the bottle. We did but even though I thought I was up with all the information needed to raise a baby after much research- I didnt know this.

We humans make mistakes. We try hard but sometimes being human in itself has ramifications beyond our control.

What does your baby need now? It needs the very best of attention and devotion from you and your partner. This means you must put aside any past mistake and move forward with the devotion in your veins and I know you can do that because you care and love your child so much. To write in here as you have tells me everything I need to know about you as a loving mother. Your partner will breathe a sigh of relief that he is no longer alone in trying to hold the family together.

I know running away is tempting- no, that is the last thing your baby needs. You certainly haven't ruined 3 lives, you will make 3 lives happy by remaining there and caring for your baby.

We are here for you.

TonyWK

[tranzcrybe]

I feel you are being way too harsh on yourself.
The hospital had a duty of care to ensure you were equipped to handle the task, possibly requiring follow up assessments if in any doubt.
But another thing comes to mind - are you drawing a false correlation with breast feeding and brain damage? I'm certainly no authority on the subject, but the warning signs of malnutrition would certainly pre-date brain injury - weight loss, dehydration, would result in bodily sacrifice before any cognitive impairment? Just a layman's view though.
Overriding all of this, is that the love from your daughter will be none the less and joy can always be found in what you do together, as a family - often bringing you closer together over the years, you will find enrichment without placing expectation or carrying blame.
Also, young brains are very malleable and adaptation is their specialty - early intervention under medical guidance may surprise you with how things progress.

[Blue1556]

Hi TonyWk,

Thankyou for replying. Like you, I felt that I had done enough research-watched videos, read books, went to classes- to feel that I would know what to do. I know that I was never going to be an expert on everything, but it just shocked me that I didn’t even know this was possible- obviously not common, but I had never heard of this happening to any baby before. Now I have read so many stories of babies with lifelong neurological problems. I clearly didn’t google what happens when babies are underfed before this happened.

You have touched on something else that I struggle with- having control. I seem to keep expecting that if I do everything I can/ try really hard etc- then I should have a good outcome. Really hard to overcome that thought pattern. I know life isn’t fair but for some reason I expect it to be most of the time.

I do want to be a caring mum and wife. I will keep trying, just feels impossible. I do feel terrible for all my husband is dealing with.

[Blue1556]

Hi transcrybe, thankyou so much for your post. I agree the hospital has duty of care, but really it is my responsibility and my fault. There were certainly a lot of factors that went into this situation,- the hospital was so busy and I felt rushed and like a burden and sometimes they didn’t come to my buzzer, -some staff were great, others were useless (unfortunately the discharge nurse was one of them), -some little things I wasn’t told - some things I thought I was doing right but wasn’t - some advice I misunderstood -I was given information leaflets that I didn’t read straight away -it was full covid lockdown (no visitors) -I listened to advice that didn’t suit my situation/personality. So just lots of little things. Holes in the cheese. And I felt great in hospital, I’m sure they thought I was absolutely capable, confident and under control.
My baby did lose weight, a small amount, but there is no number to know when it causes brain damage or not. One of the things I misunderstood was that I thought the ‘7 day check’ meant 7 days after discharge, but it actually means when baby is 7 days old. So if I knew I was supposed to get her weighed earlier then we probably wouldn’t have this problem. Also she would have been dehydrated, I was focussed on counting her wet/dirty nappies, as they had been in hospital. I didn’t know that they should have increased significantly in volume. Seems ridiculous now, like I know it’s common sense stuff, which is why I do take absolute responsibility. They probably didn’t think they had to tell me that the sky is blue.
I do love my baby, but I struggle sometimes because it feels like my real baby was born healthy and now my baby here isn’t all that she could have been. Like I have taken opportunities away from her. Sometimes all I feel when I’m with her is pain and suffering- for all 3 of us.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Blue

I’m so sorry for the pain that has occurred within your family. Your story is absolutely heartbreaking.

If I could, I would give you a big hug and tell you again what others have already said: this is not your fault.

Breastfeeding isn’t easy and despite what people may think it doesn’t come “naturally” for many women and babies. You should have never been discharged from hospital without your baby being able to successfully feed.

I can clearly remember leaving hospital after my first child was born. Physically I felt exhausted. I was anxious and fearful about my capabilities. Sleep deprived, I know I wasn’t mentally sharp.

You would have been in the same space. It’s understandable that there were some miscommunications and misunderstandings. And, please remember, your husband missed things too. I’m not blaming him, just gently pointing out that it’s a really challenging time for everyone.

From my experience, the “system” assumes new mothers have knowledge that none of us have. And I’d argue that they do need to tell us “the sky is blue”.

I can remember calling my local maternal nurse on a 40 degree day, from our home with no air conditioning, because my new born wouldn’t stop crying. She told me to take his clothes off and sponge him with a cool flannel.

How could I have not known he was just hot? Seems so obvious now but it wasn’t at the time. If only babies came with with handbook … sadly they don’t and we all have to learn largely on our own.

I know this is an unbelievably difficult time for you. I want to encourage you to treat yourself exactly how you would treat a friend—with love, understanding and compassion.

And I want you to believe that you will get through this because you will. Concentrate on being the best mum you can be and enjoying the now.

I will pray for you and your baby.

Kind thoughts to you

[Petal22]

Hi Blue 1556,

In really sorry you are going through this I understand how difficult it is to be a first time mum it’s hard and we don’t know everything and yes we need to be told and have a follow up from the hospital nurse on discharge which is usually 5 to 7 days after discharge…… did you see a nurse that came to your house after discharge?

I struggled with breast feeding with my first also, it didn’t help when all the nurses in the hospital I was in where all about “ having to breast feed” they were against bottle feeding I felt so pressured to breast feed so I kept trying……. It all got too much for me eventually so I went to bottle feeding…… I felt so anxious by all this having been told that breast feeding was best for baby by the hospital………. I ended up having postnatal anxiety and I think this contributed to my anxiety…. It was hard and confusing for me being a first time mum………..

Can I ask who has advised you that your baby may have suffered brain damage? Please don’t think the worse…… you don’t know this……. Wait until your appointment with the paediatric neurologist……. everything may be ok……

Your a strong loving mum and your baby needs YOU!

Please don’t run!! I know your mind is running with thoughts like this but it’s the anxiety talking! Stand firm against that anxiety pick your baby up and cuddle her and tell her everything is going to be ok because YOU are going to be ok!

I understand the feeling of being distressed I felt this way through out the time that my children were babies I was diagnosed with postnatal anxiety and OCD……. I received professional help for these conditions and I’ve now recovered.

I understand you are going through depression but has anyone been able to do an assessment on you for the way you are currently feeling after child birth?

Someone who specialises in perinatal conditions? Like post natal depression or post natal anxiety?

There are clinics in some areas that specialise in perinatal conditions, there is sometimes a clinical psychologist and psychiatrist who run out of the same practice they understand these conditions and would be able to help you.

Im here to chat to you…. Hang in there

[tranzcrybe]

"They probably didn’t think they had to tell me that the sky is blue"
Well, for new mums, it is imperative not to leave any stone unturned - pandemic or otherwise, they should have taken nothing for granted (not even your assurances!).
My sister spent quite a while in hospital with her first child - precautions, checks, and tests to ensure she was well enough (in body and mind) to manage such a precious arrival (she hated that, just wanting to get on with it); whereas the second child was over and done with in a couple of days!
I'm guessing there was no support from your mother (or partner's)? Wisdom of experience can see things before they occur and this too should have been in the minds of hospital staff in their determinations.
But in hindsight it's always easy to find fault, and assumptions have been made under duress.
Have you a formal diagnosis of her condition, including accurately defining when and how? Although it won't 'change' anything, you might find other factors to at least ease your troubled conscience.
Either way, it is never your fault for doing the best you can - you needed support that wasn't forthcoming and that is all you can justifiably claim.
Your baby is all that she is and more - this is simply a challenge in her life as much as any others that ultimately strengthen character and resolve to overcome; and you know in your heart that love is stronger than any ailment. Still, you will learn things you never understood before which will strengthen you also.
Treasure is not always found in shiny trinkets - dig a little deeper and you will soon see. Take care and allow yourself peace.

[Blue1556]

Hi Summer Rose,

I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me.

In hospital we were able to feed successfully and she had gained a small amount of weight before we went home. I am angry about the amount of support that I got from them, but it was ultimately my fault. Advice that my husband got really went along the lines of - ‘tell your wife she’s doing great’. Lovely, but not helpful. I agree that I was not sharp at all, and my normal self would have done better.