Have ruined lives

[Blue1556]

Hi, I’m new here.

I have struggled with depression a few times in the past 10 years but nothing like what I’m currently going through.

I’m a 33 yr old female, married with a 6 month old baby. I have wanted a baby for years and when I found out we were pregnant I was so happy. I really wanted to be an awesome mum and wife and I have failed dismally already to the point that I feel I have ruined all 3 of our lives.

It all started when we came home from hospital with our baby. Everything had gone well so far. I struggled with breastfeeding but had some help in hospital and wanted to keep going. A week later, I thought I was being proactive getting help, but turns out it was too late. My baby had been getting virtually no milk and has likely suffered brain damage due to this. We have an appointment with the paediatric neurologist soon, but I am struggling to imagine how I can possibly look at my child each day, knowing I’m responsible for her suffering.

I don’t know what to do because nothing can fix this. There’s no cure. I feel ashamed, complete guilt, and that I can never forgive myself.

I wanted to give her away, to find someone better to look after her, but everyone is saying that’s silly. And I know it is- it’s incomprehensible to me that I would ever want that, but so is the fact that we are in the situation that we are now due to my failures.

I have tried to get help, seen my GP, psychologist, called Panda, taking medications, voluntarily doing a parenting course. But I still feel completely distressed. And since everyone tells me I can’t give her away I just feel like running away and disappearing. Like I could hide, get a job and send money back for her care.

I can’t see a way to beat this depression. If I leave, I would be depressed and lonely. If I stay I will be depressed seeing the suffering I caused on a daily basis. Either way, 3 lives ruined and other people hurt by whatever I do.

[Blue1556]

I really wish I could follow your advice but it’s impossible. This is the most important thing I have ever done in my life and I failed. A tiny perfect baby relied on me and I let her down. Now she suffers and I am supposed to watch it everyday and not feel like the worst person on the planet? I can’t and won’t. I’m not getting ahead of myself. She already struggles.

Yes it is absolutely medical possible that this is the cause. She was healthy and now she’s not. Unforgivable. There’s no excuse for my failure. Nothing to be gained. Just pain and suffering. Wasn’t meant to be. She was meant to be healthy. She would have been better off if she was taken care of by a complete stranger, not her own mother.

This is something I can’t learn from. I can’t fix this or make amends. I can’t try harder.

So many problems in life seem so important but just really aren’t.

[Blue1556]

Thanks for sharing your story. You are a good mum. I know that what my girl experiences in the future is unknown, the extent of her suffering, the physical, the emotional, the mental- nobody knows. But one thing is for sure- it was preventable and unnecessary. And 100% my doing. I can’t challenge a belief that is fact. And I refuse to blame others or the circumstances for it. If I crashed a car and somebody was hurt, it would be my fault, even if it was an accident. The law and insurance companies use this language. We can’t just going around making mistakes that cause damage and say oops sorry and it’s all ok- no punishment required. Why then do people tell me that I should think it’s not my fault? Do humans walk around blaming the world just to go on? I’m not like that. I have encountered a few people who don’t take responsibility for their actions in life and they are selfish and egotistical.

[geoff]

Hello Blue, what every one has said I agree with because when you bring a new baby home, you expect everything to go as you had predicted, a baby to eat, sleep and do all the right things a baby should be doing, but this doesn't necessarily happen.

Our first baby was a gem, ate everything, sleep all night and as perfect, but our second was born with pneumonia and did't eat properly, nor sleep, it's just the luck of the draw.

' Unless your baby’s been actually diagnosed with brain damage, set this thought aside', it's an assumption that is unwarrented and should not come to any conclusion unless proven by medical advice.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[white knight]

Hi Blue

Just...thinking of you tonight. Hope you are ok.

How is hubby coping ok?

TonyWK

[Blue1556]

What about when she is diagnosed and it’s confirmed that it was caused by this? How would I live with it?

I know I shouldn’t live in the future or the past, full of what ifs. But given what I have come to learn of the condition and her symptoms it is an inevitable conclusion. I know that my mental state isn’t great, but I’m not making things up.

[Blue1556]

Thank you for reaching out again. Hubby is not doing well. He told me that he’s reached the point that he doesn’t see good in anything. He’s really busy at work then comes home to a crying wife and baby that is never happy. I’m trying to distance him from this by relying on other people for help, but he can see that I’m a shell of the person I was. I think he feels that he has done everything right, and that he has given me the life that I wanted, and now it’s all turneding bad. What should I do to help him? I tell him that I love him everyday. I have told him that I don’t blame him whatsoever for the problems with our daughter. I try to do little things to show him that I’m thinking of him and care (but I also forget sometimes when I’m in the thick of all of this).

[geoff]

Hello Blue, I truly hope that none of this is true, as I've had a brain injury myself, years ago, and it altered my entire life as a husband and father with two sons, so I know the fear you are struggling with.

I realise all the 'if and buts', however, people are not going to blame you, they don't for me, and it's how they accept the situation and learn to cope.

Parents have children expecting them to be good kids and to grow up to have a healthy and prosperous life, but it can never be assured this will happen, even though they have a good upbringing.

I've failed in many ways but then I have my good points, but I don't focus on what I've done wrong, but appreciate what I can do in life, because if you concentrate on the negatives that's when trouble begins.

If you have any questions about the diagnosis you can get another opinion because the first hospital didn't get my condition right in the beginning.

Best wishes.

Geoff. x

[Summer Rose]

Hi Blue

Thank you for sharing more of your thoughts and feelings. I remain so sorry that you are in such pain. Hugs to you.

I really applaud your values and appreciate your views about responsibility. We share a commitment to personal responsibility.

However, I want to gently point out that not everything in life is black and white—even the concept of responsibility.

You wrote: If I crashed a car and somebody was hurt, it would be my fault, even if it was an accident.

Maybe. But what if the accident was caused because you were trying to do the right thing and swerved to avoid hitting a pedestrian? What if you didn’t know that your car had a defect and the defect caused the accident? What if you were driving the car, through no fault of your own, with diminished or impaired cognitive function due to say a panic attack?

In all of these scenarios I see a bad set of circumstances combining to cause a bad outcome.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people and there is no one to blame. Sometimes multiple people or events or circumstances combine with tragic consequences. Sometimes an individual really is to blame.

I can’t speak for other people, but to answer your question, I feel comfortable saying it’s not your fault because I can see a bigger picture based on the facts you’ve shared without a lens clouded by intense personal grief.

I have no reason to be disingenuous, but every reason to try and help a fellow human being—an obviously good person—work their way through a most unfortunate series of events.

You can’t change the past but you can change your thinking and this will impact your future. I know it might be impossible for you to see this now, but with time and professional mental health support it is possible to heal. Hang in there.

Kind thoughts to you