Have ruined lives

[Blue1556]

Hi, I’m new here.

I have struggled with depression a few times in the past 10 years but nothing like what I’m currently going through.

I’m a 33 yr old female, married with a 6 month old baby. I have wanted a baby for years and when I found out we were pregnant I was so happy. I really wanted to be an awesome mum and wife and I have failed dismally already to the point that I feel I have ruined all 3 of our lives.

It all started when we came home from hospital with our baby. Everything had gone well so far. I struggled with breastfeeding but had some help in hospital and wanted to keep going. A week later, I thought I was being proactive getting help, but turns out it was too late. My baby had been getting virtually no milk and has likely suffered brain damage due to this. We have an appointment with the paediatric neurologist soon, but I am struggling to imagine how I can possibly look at my child each day, knowing I’m responsible for her suffering.

I don’t know what to do because nothing can fix this. There’s no cure. I feel ashamed, complete guilt, and that I can never forgive myself.

I wanted to give her away, to find someone better to look after her, but everyone is saying that’s silly. And I know it is- it’s incomprehensible to me that I would ever want that, but so is the fact that we are in the situation that we are now due to my failures.

I have tried to get help, seen my GP, psychologist, called Panda, taking medications, voluntarily doing a parenting course. But I still feel completely distressed. And since everyone tells me I can’t give her away I just feel like running away and disappearing. Like I could hide, get a job and send money back for her care.

I can’t see a way to beat this depression. If I leave, I would be depressed and lonely. If I stay I will be depressed seeing the suffering I caused on a daily basis. Either way, 3 lives ruined and other people hurt by whatever I do.

[Blue1556]

Hi petal22, thankyou for your support.
I was told to take Bub to dr or child health nurse for 1 week check. I took her 1 week after discharge. I was supposed to take her when she was 1 week old. I misunderstood what it meant. So it was the difference of a few days but my mistake and unfortunately it would have been life changing.

So far we have seen GP, paediatric physio and paediatrician. I hope the neurologist can give me some insight because it is petrifying not knowing what she will/ will not be able to do. Will she be independent etc.

My psychologist is listed as someone that specialises (?) in pnd, but It’s not been very helpful so far (4 sessions over 3 months). I am also talking to someone at the govt health community centre (where the child health nurses are). Not sure exactly what her qualifications are, but she’s basically an early intervention person for parents and families that are struggling. I went to them to ask about a course that focuses on secure attachment bonds between parent and baby. So now I do that plus she pretty much does counselling too.

I’ve never been to a psychiatrist before, but perhaps it is time. It’s hard to know what to do. When my gp did my mental health plan, she asked me what I wanted. At that stage I said psychology. Then I went back after a few weeks and said I need meds. I need to stop thinking that hospitals, Drs, nurses etc will be proactive. I know I need to be mine and my baby’s advocate, it’s just hard in this state.

[Blue1556]

Hello and many thanks again,

It really does help to talk here and I want to ease the burden of these conversations on my family as I know it gets hard to deal with.

I didn’t get enough support from the hospital for sure, but I had access to information and support that I didn’t access when I should have, because I didn’t know I needed it, and didn’t understand the consequences. Before all of this I would have thought that only severe long term neglect by horrible parents could cause this, not early day issues like I thought I was experiencing.

My mum and mil are both supportive, but we were not allowed visitors to the house until after the check where we found out that everything had gone awry. If my mum was able to have come visit, she would have changed a nappy and told me that there was a problem, but alas it was against the law for her to visit at the time. And she wasn’t asking about this kind of thing when we were on the phone. I was telling her, my sister, friends that I was finding breastfeeding challenging and painful, but nobody dreamed (including myself) that it was causing trauma to my baby. Friends told me to ‘keep trying’, ‘it’s not easy’. My grandma told me that she thought it was good that I was breastfeeding because ‘it’s important’. All true and trying to be supportive. Not once in my conversations, reading etc, did I hear the message ‘get help today’, which is what I needed to hear.

It’s not possible for these types of things to determine the ‘when and how’ unfortunately.

I feel like I’m mourning the baby that was. I feel terrible that I feel that way. That’s why I feel like she might be better off with someone else caring for her. I feel that she will sense this from me and anything but complete love from a parent is devastating to a child. I’ve caused so much trauma to her already and a lack of secure bond is probably the next worse thing that can happen to her- but I feel it’s impossible to achieve.

[Athenry]

Even in this day and age, there is pressure to breastfeed. One of my friends was in your situation on about day six, and was telling me baby had gained a kilo. I remarked that this wasn’t possible and asked her how baby was doing. She said great sleeper, she’d rather sleep than eat. Dream baby. I asked her a few more questions, had some concerns and was comforted to know she had an MCHN appointment that day. Turns out baby was getting very little milk, lost 16% weight and was jaundiced. My friend is intelligent and a great mother. (Baby is totally fine)
my experience was baby had lost 11% weight by day 3 and hubby and I put her on formula. Luckily, it hurt too bad for me to feed her by then, and she was screaming the place down, so it was very obvious something was wrong, which it sounds like it wasn’t in your case.

I reject you blaming yourself for this. I felt like an inferior parent, I just couldn’t breastfeed. It hurt so much, babies had painful latches and the hormones made me feel so sad. Parenting is SO hard. You are completely untrained for it - you don’t learn it from a book, it’s from experience. It sounds like you needed more support. I’m so glad you’ve reached out to us now. I hope that in a couple of weeks time you will have a baby who is catching up, plumping up and you will feel elated.

Take this on as a project now, get a bit clinical - take good notes about volume intake, output, how baby’s demeanour is. This will have been a horrible experience for you but it may just be a small bump in the road. You obviously care so much about this baby. If there were any doubt about your ability as a parent, they would have removed her. Show everyone you can do this. You sound smart, caring and utterly worthy of this child.
Work with your hubby. This is 50% him, 50% you. You both need support, love and to take an equal part in your baby’s recovery.

I wish you all the best in your new life as a mother. You CAN do this.

PS. Unless your baby’s been actually diagnosed with brain damage, set this thought aside. If you’ve read it online somewhere, chuck it in the bin. Concentrate on building baby up right now, not bringing you down.

[white knight]

Athenry said

"PS. Unless your baby’s been actually diagnosed with brain damage, set this thought aside. If you’ve read it online somewhere, chuck it in the bin. Concentrate on building baby up right now, not bringing you down."

Wise words.

TonyWK

[Summer Rose]

Hi Blue

Athenry and White Knight are spot on.

First important point, it’s entirely possible that you are mourning a loss that may not have actually occurred.

Second, important point, this is not your fault.

I feel that if you can shift your perspective about your role in the events that occurred you may be able to relinquish your unnecessary feelings of guilt. This is really important because it will free you to love and care for your baby the way you want to.

I really want to encourage you to keep working with mental health professionals to let go of your guilt.

If we stick with the evidence in this situation I think it will help you. I hope we can agree on these facts …

• You were at a new mother’s most vulnerable point. Exhausted, not mentally “sharp” and new to the job. This is all to be expected. You were no different to any other woman.

• You were let down and not properly or professionally supported at home.
  
  You were either not given clear instructions about your next appointment date or someone didn’t check that you understood and someone failed to call you to follow up at the appropriate time for the appointment.

• You didn’t access the information you needed at the time because you were not properly informed and didn’t understand the significance. The same is true for your husband, family and friends. It’s unfair to expect any non health professional to have known this.

• Covid restrictions prevented you getting family visits that could have helped you at home. Completely beyond anyone’s control.

• Everyone around you, including your husband, missed the warning signs or didn’t understand the significance. It’s not reasonable to blame anyone. I certainly would not have had this knowledge, despite being university educated, because I didn’t study medicine.

• Despite a rocky start to breast feeding in the hospital no medical professionals warned you of the potential dangers ahead.

It’s crystal clear to me that a series of misfortunate events beyond your control has brought your family to this point.

This is not your fault.

Your baby needs you. Your husband needs you. You need them. You are a family now and you can get through this together. Hang in there.

Kind thoughts to you

[Petal22]

Hi Blue1556,

Thats ok, happy to support you 🙂

Has someone in the health profession given you indication that your baby may have brain damage?

Im glad that you are seeing a psychologist has you Psychologist been able to help you in regards to your thought patterns in regards to this?

Can I ask if you have been on your medication for long? Medication can take up to 6 weeks to work and it can make things worse before they get better.

Please don’t jump ahead, if a health professional hasn’t diagnosed your baby with brain damage then everything may be ok.

Here to chat to you

[tranzcrybe]

My brother's first born was a time of great pride - of course, 'heir to the king, next in line for the throne...', one can't help but consider what lies in store as they grow into valued members of the community and pillars of society.
It was many months later when he received devastating news that his son, able to count the numbers of every house in the street and was ahead of the curve in growth and physical development, had autism.
But surely this can't be...
Schools had already been selected (even into secondary level!), and they had found the right neighbourhood to accomplish the projection and propel the child into some predetermined vision of...

Ah, you see? Fundamentally, there was nothing 'wrong' with his son; but by being earmarked for a future which nobody could be assured in any case, the focus on the individual was overlooked.
Once my brother came to terms with this through removing his preconceptions, he could finally see the qualities that made his son unique, loved, and a valued part of the family.
It transformed my brother's whole outlook on life, giving him a new grace and humility. His son was never 'deprived' of a future for it was never written that way to begin with.
In many ways 'value' rests with what is given, not received; and his son has found a life of independence (with supports in place) to be the best he can be. It also led my brother into working in the disability sector to help others in need.

No, it wasn't without it's trials, but what family isn't?

[Blue1556]

Hi all, thanks again for being so kind and supportive. I am hard on myself and I know this. And I know it comes from my values- like most people family is the most important thing in my life. Stories about things happening to babies and children really distress and upset me.

I have been on medication for about 10 weeks now, I will book in with my GP to talk about it.

Psychology hasn’t been helping so far. I will keep going. I think that I feel like I deserve to be suffering so when I do have a good day or two, I go backwards soon after. I don’t want to be like this because I want to be a decent wife and mum, but feeling like they would be better without me at the same time doesn’t help. I recognise that these types of thoughts and my guilt are the exact thoughts/beliefs that I need to stop letting take me over.

The GP and Paediatrician have both said that my baby might have cerebral palsy (which can range from very mild- a clumsy person- to very severe- wheelchair bound, nonverbal totally dependent). I know this isn’t an official diagnosis, but she has so many symptoms that it can’t be nothing at this stage (i know that’s my belief only but any attempt to persuade me otherwise is honestly pointless). I really wish that I could just bury my head in the sand until a later date, but like someone said young brains are malleable and the earlier treatment starts the better. I hope the neurologist can tell me something insightful to ease my mind- like ‘she will be able to walk’, but even then it’s not certain given these conditions are unique to the individual. And it’s not just physical disability that concerns me given her symptoms, but I know that there’s no way of knowing about other neuro issues until she is years older. Petrifying thought that I will never ‘know’ and just have to wait and see anyway. I always wanted 2 or 3 kids, now I feel like I shouldn’t have had any at all.

[Petal22]

Hi Blue1556,

Thats ok 🙂 happy to support you.

Im sorry that your gp and paediatrician have said that your baby might have cerebral palsy………. But it is a “might”……

Has a health professional specifically said to you that the reason your baby”might”have this condition is because she wasn’t getting enough milk in her early days?

Has your psychologist been able to teach you how to challenge your thoughts and beliefs? You really can learn to do this and once you do a whole new world will open up right before your eyes.

Sometimes as humans we choose to hold onto certain beliefs and perceptions but once we challenge these, those old thoughts, beliefs and perceptions will fall away..

I understand that you are putting a lot on your shoulders it’s alot for you to carry a big weight……. please go easy on yourself…….. even if you feel that you have contributed to something in your babies life in a negative way I’d like you to “ forgive yourself “ forgive yourself for blaming yourself for so much………… you deserve to be free of this weight so you can then move forward and be happier in yourself, once you can do this all of your relationships will benefit because you are giving yourself back some self love and understanding.

One that can learn to love themselves is one who can help many including themselves………

Hang in there

[Summer Rose]

Hi Blue

I hope it’s okay if I share a story with you …

Ten years ago I was a carefree happily married, mother of two. Life was as good as I reckon it gets.

Until one day my 13 year old daughter—a gregarious, high achieving student and sportsman—told me she was too sick to go to school. It took her two days to tell me that she was hearing a voice in her head.

Shocked doesn’t even begin to explain how I felt. A few months later she received a diagnosis of anxiety and OCD, a serious, chronic and sometimes disabling illness.

I wanted to know why. Why my girl? Was it hereditary, childhood trauma, something I had done or missed in her childhood? Truth is, said the psychiatrist, it could have been any of these things or a combination or it could have been a random onset of an illness.

I drove myself crazy with guilt—it was unproductive and soul destroying. I mourned the daughter who could have been. I was terrified about her future and what would become of her.

Fortunately, I had a great counsellor. She helped me to release the guilt and sadness and get on with what I needed to do help my daughter heal and keep my family together.

While my daughter carries an invisible weight on her shoulders and fights daily for her best life, at the same time she is amazing, strong and brave. I am so proud of her and her achievements. I love her just the way she is.

She has taught me not to judge what I don’t understand. Supporting her has created an unbreakable bond amongst all family members that we cherish. We talk about our mental health and look after each other and the people we love. We all know what is really important in life—the people we love.

Importantly my daughter’s illness has brought me here, to beyondblue and this forum. In my darkest days, beyondblue was always there for me. Now I am so fortunate and honoured to be able to give something back.

Talking with you, walking with you through your struggles, gives meaning to the worst experience of my life. I never thought this would have been possible a decade ago.

Please try not to get too far ahead of things in your head. Don’t rule anything in or out in terms of your future at this point. Get all your facts and take it one step at a time. No one knows what the future holds.

Kind thoughts to you