Glass Walls

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi all, 

The old thread was getting a bit long, so I thought time to start a new. 

I thought the same with this weekend - I did my new patterns of blue and purple, wore the beautiful black and gold dress. I went to the convention I normally go to in costume. Just for one day, not in costume. It is the first time since my separation from the ex, whom I went in cosplay with. It is the first time catching up with people who I haven't seen since the break up. 

Or I thought I would.  I went and shopped a very little as I have big bills this week. I took the anti anxiety meds, tried to squash the shakes and  held up the mask for the kids. The feeling wasn't good though. I tried talking to a few friends in the costume community I bumped into but it was like they didn't even know me. They soon made excuses and left. I know its busy, they see lots of people and there are so many crowds, but it felt like they just barely recognised me, and when they did they couldn't wait to leave. 

I looked around, and it felt like I was surrounded by glass walls. Like now that everyone on my friends list knows about my depression, how bad it got, etc they don't want to know me. I asked how they were, I didn't bring it up.

I just feel dejected, and lonely, like I have no friends in the world. Like they don't care. I am irritable and not good around the kids, so I am hiding in my doona listening to a podcast. I'm really alone in this now aren't I? I say I keep going for my cats, for my little Elsa.

I hold on to the thought of watching her grow up, because  I can find no other reasons to stay.

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

It’s now Friday – is that respite care a happening thing for you???    And you’re absolutely right – even if it is for a week, that’s definitely better than none.   Things like this can be of assistance to you – and even there may be something that you’re able to pick up along the way to use to help yourself for the future.  I so hope so.

I’m very pleased to read about the relationship that you seem to be developing with your PhaMS person – they would be very special people who do these kinds of duties – and I’m sensing that the two of you are building a nice repoire.

I’m battling, the time continues to go on by, but there’s been a lot of unnecessary and evil drama happening back in Mum’s town with a very toxic family member and it’s been downright nasty with any meeting with the two of them.  Definitely not good times at all.

But little Tess, is just so gorgeous and she really seems to have found a new lease on life.  🙂

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

No word on the respite care yet. Anxiety is going through the roof.

It is sad to hear of the nasty family member.  It can hurt so bad when those who are meant to be supportive and caring are the exact opposite. Particularly at this delicate time for you. I hope you can get itsorted or at least find some space to grieve around the nastiness. I'm sure Tess can help with that.

GA

[Blue_]

Hi GA! 
You've posted on my thread a couple times, even if it was a while ago (I can't remember when) but I thought I'd offer my... eyeballs? And fingers? Can't really say ears haha. I've read some of what you've been going through,even though you've been experiencing so much pain it seems like you've been doing quite a lot! Good on you! When you said you sat by the river to get away, was it nice? Did you manage to take in your surroundings &enjoy it or just pretend to instead of thinking? You have so much on your plate right now & I know how it feels when your family doens't get how to help you or even want to take in the fact that they could be the cause of your issues some of the time. I'm not speaking to either of my parents,I was so scared of what they would think but I realised if I'm going to care for myself removing myself from memories and things is the first step to being a new person. These may not help you but they helped me &it may give you inspiration with how to help yourself a bit more than you're already trying to? You're doing really well by the way, getting out of the house, joining groua&studying all those things, great! We're kind of going through different things but I've been through breakups before but anyway, I hope this helps. After my break up I got motivation to better myself, I started a health regime and focused on things I enjoyed. The little things that make me feel better are being around bright colours, music, and sunsets. They always make me feel better. Why don't you try doing some of the really, really small things that you may think are insignificant at the time because it may snowball into slightly bigger things and you mind may become more clear if you just avoid the bad things like being at home, go try find a nice new hidy spot like the river and go at sunset and look at all the pretty colours or try to think of the person you might like to be and slowly do things that they might do? I made an alter-ego &that helped me heaps! I feel like I'm starting to be that person & it feels good & when I don't feel good you know what I listen to? Disney songs! You might think it's dumb but of man that cheers me right up or looking at flowers and kitty videos on the net if I don't have the strength to go out that day. If and when oyu feel better try writing the really little things down that make you feel better. There's got to be something. I'm here & so is everyone else. Far out, I rambled heaps, keep in touch ❤️ Cas

[Girl_Anachronism]

No word on the respite care. Its obviously not happening soon. My PhaMs worker is now on holiday, and though they'll be so eone part time, it won't be her until January, after all the family craziness.

I knew I shouldn't have hoped. I don't why I should be surprised. Nothing else has worked out why should this?

I'm going back to bed. That doesn't disappoint me.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Cas,

I really appreciate you taking time to come out to my little thread here. It means so much that anyone is listening to my whinging and moaning. 

I really need to getaway from my family, I feel its the only way to progress. I cant get better where I am. I just don't know when iam going to be able to so that. I hate christmas so much. All the family things and then the anniversary. 

I used to write and do mindfulness but I just havent been able to lately.i am just trying to survive and not do anything silly. I try get out but this past week has been bad. I like the solitude of bieng out by myself, in nature, away from everything. 

I also am a fan of Disney songs. I have 5 cds worth on my phone, of the classic disneys. Sometimes they help, sometimes I need sad music like Sarah Mclachlan and sometimes I need my angry music - Evanessence. My favourite memory is dancing with another patient in the rain, in the courtyard of the hospital at night and singing along to the Disney classics. 

I don't know who I want to be, or who I am. If I knew maybe I could go forward, but I cant see clearly from where I am. I need a space and time just for me.

GA

[Blue_]

It never feels like it but bad things don't always happen because the world is out to get you. Have a nice rest and hug your kitties and make a nice drink or something for yourself and cosy up in your safe little cocoon and come out when you're feeling better. Some of these things are out of control so don't worry about them, just worry about the little things you can, heck even forget those, they can wait. Take some you time. Sending love ❤️

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

Just wanted to pop by and say "hi".

Cas has given some amazing responses and advice of late and that's been brilliant.  To give advice to anyone is fantastic, but even moreso, when we know that we are struggling.   But to also read such advice it's awesome for whoever is reading, because we can also pick things out of those posts and perhaps use ourselves.

GA, have you ever thought of trying to 'pen' up a song?   I tried my hand at it much earlier this year - they weren't songs of love;  i guess nor of hate either;  but more so about how I was feeling at the time.  I passed them on to my son (the drummer) and who knows, someday, sometime down the track in years to come, they might just make the charts.  Ha ha.  Seriously doubt that.

When you say you feel you need to get away from your family - are you meaning, just moving suburbs or moving interstate?   The obvious key factor with the latter is finances and the availability of such coin to be able to do that.

The other thing to think of is:  what is actually tying you to where you are now?

Kind regards

Neil

[Jo3]

Dear GA

I just want to say that I have been reading your posts and I am listening to you.

I have been thinking about you. Not much for words at the moment, but pls know that I care for you and hope things start to improve for you.

Take care

Jo xxx

[Blue_]

I know how you feel GA, not knowing who you are or want to be but I feel like I'm slowly coming out of that a bit. What helped me were the littlest things like self image and finally getting the courage to wear what I wanted to (might sound weird but I was so scared to wear what I wanted because of others opinions), just do the little things I wanted to like m interests are creative stuff like music and art and not caring if I'm good or not but just enjoying doing it, hippy stuff like camping and learning about the environment and organic foods, and what helped most was getting away from my family, putting myself into uncomfortable situations and moving to a new place where no one knew me so I could be who I wanted. OH OH! Would you look up something for me? rotary youth leadership awards, it's a personal development camp that you get sponsored to go on and it's week long and you meet 100 other kids like you and holy butts was I nervous but I did it and there's nurses and counselors and people that encourage and love you and it's the greatest place on earth. If you're between 19 and 28 (gosh I hope you are) it would be so perfect and you have like 100 new friends forever that love and care for you unconditionally. It changed my life completely so I recommend it with my life. It's usually the littlest things you can do for yourself that lead into more things and everything becomes clearer from there. If you like cats why don't you volunteer at an animal shelter, it's not as sad as it seems because they're very well looked after and.. yeah. You'll make friends there. I think the two best things you could do for yourself right now are writing down who you think you would like to be and just exploring different things and activities then remind yourself that you could be a heck of a lot worse off (I hate hearing that myself so please don't feel upset by that) and you could be a lot more of a crappier person. I mean if there's things about yourself you don't like what's stopping you from changing? My favourite quote is Change it, remove it or accept it. Change your situation, remove yourself from a bad situation or accept it and if you do get on with it. If you look it up I'm sure there's a lot of help out there available to you, this is Straya! Haha. 

Forget all of that and just think of one little thing you would like to change and how you could do it and what you would need to do. Sending love, take it easy, you're allowed to ❤️

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,Jo and Cas,

Thankyou for all your responses. It means alot . Today has been pretty bad.  I got to therapy group this week, but didn't say much at first.  I opened up a little, but it feels like the same old, with still dealing with the loss of the relationship. The good psych helped a little. I wish I could see her one on one, she really helps but she doesn't work for this hospital, she is only here on a special project with this group. Of course, I am still on the waiting list to see anyone else. I miss my social worker who is on holidays. I am meeting with the part time replacement tomorrow, but I don't think she can help anymore. Still no word on the respite place, so who knows if I'll ever get a place there. Everything I try seems to end in nothing. Too many crazy people, not enough places. I made friends with a girl in group, who is in her own hell and is worse than me. She is going into the respite place tomorrow. In answer to your questions, I would love to get a caravan or even just a good car and tent and just follow the road. I don't have the finances for either local or interstate moves. I'd love to be a state away. I want to go to  Melbourne, but all of that is a pipe dream. I haven't written songs, as I can't read or play music but I used to write poetry  and novels. Its hard to do anything these days, I just want to curl up in bed and never move again. Mood has been extremely low and I don't know where to go for help from here. I will look into that youth camp Cas and see what its about. Life just hurts so much right now. The therapy group doesn't feel like enough. It stirs up things that I need to deal with one on one but I don't have an avenue to do that. So I am stuck with all this pain and turmoil and nowhere for it to go. I don't know guys, I just don't know . GA