Glass Walls

Girl_Anachronism · ‎21-06-2014

Hi all,

The old thread was getting a bit long, so I thought time to start a new.

I thought the same with this weekend - I did my new patterns of blue and purple, wore the beautiful black and gold dress. I went to the convention I normally go to in costume. Just for one day, not in costume. It is the first time since my separation from the ex, whom I went in cosplay with. It is the first time catching up with people who I haven't seen since the break up.

Or I thought I would. I went and shopped a very little as I have big bills this week. I took the anti anxiety meds, tried to squash the shakes and held up the mask for the kids. The feeling wasn't good though. I tried talking to a few friends in the costume community I bumped into but it was like they didn't even know me. They soon made excuses and left. I know its busy, they see lots of people and there are so many crowds, but it felt like they just barely recognised me, and when they did they couldn't wait to leave.

I looked around, and it felt like I was surrounded by glass walls. Like now that everyone on my friends list knows about my depression, how bad it got, etc they don't want to know me. I asked how they were, I didn't bring it up.

I just feel dejected, and lonely, like I have no friends in the world. Like they don't care. I am irritable and not good around the kids, so I am hiding in my doona listening to a podcast. I'm really alone in this now aren't I? I say I keep going for my cats, for my little Elsa.

I hold on to the thought of watching her grow up, because I can find no other reasons to stay.

GA

Neil_1 · ‎18-11-2014

Dear GA

Thank you so much for your reply and letting me know a bit more about the PHaMs support person – that sounds like an excellent initiative and a really wonderful caring support person that you’ve got.

Email her back and say, “Mayflower”, my beautiful cat.

Tomorrow: “Elsa”, my other beautiful cat.

The next day: “Rose petals and flowers” – I mean, who doesn’t love them?

Then: “Long or short walks along the beach” – just a thought.

Keep on stepping forward GA – little steps, is all we need. Keep on here as well; especially when those upcoming dates roll around a little closer.

Tess is so wonderful – just a beautiful little puppy. Ah yes, I’ll have to take Apache down very soon and get a photo up of this cute little dog. She’s tiny with the biggest cutest brown eyes. 🙂

Cheers

Neil

Jo3 · ‎18-11-2014

Hi GA

I don't know really what to say just that i want you to know that i am thinking of you.

And like Neil said little steps forward - that's all you need to keep moving.

I wish there was something I could do more for you, but pls know that I do think of you all the time and wish you some happiness and peace

take care my friend

Jo xxx

Girl_Anachronism · ‎20-11-2014

Hi Jo and Neil,

I don't really have news to tell. I am in daily email contact about housing with my PhaMs worker. I found a good thing the first day, struggled to find one yesterday and today I just don't know.

I am really struggling tonget out of bed these days. I am on my way to my GP to get scripts, but am going to be really late because I couldn't motivate myself to get up. Yesterday I spent hours just staring at my lap, trying to make myself do things, but being paralysed by grief.

Nights are the worst. I remember all I have lost and just curl into a ball. I feel like I should be dealing with this, but I don't know how.

So no word on the housing. I can barely motivate myself to do anything. No art group this week. There is a game I preordered coming out tomorrow and I am not even excited. I will try distract and lose myself in that for a few days.

I don 't know I am struggling and with all the supports I have, I don't know how to make it better.

GA

Neil_1 · ‎21-11-2014

Hi GA

Oh my dear friend, I’m hearing you loud and clear. It IS all a huge struggle – the getting out of bed is HUGE. But we’ve got to keep doing it GA – you’re on one side of Australia and I’m close to being right across on the other side. Let’s make a pact that no matter how crap we feel – we WILL get up and out of bed each morning. Why? Because we know that the other person is struggling but will get out of bed and do things.

You know what – you ARE dealing with it. You have to be, because you’re here and you’re up and you’re thinking and you’re doing things. Yes, you ARE doing things. They might not seem to be massive or good things by your mind’s eye, but they are. You’re making appointments with GP; going out and getting scripts (this all takes effort and don’t ever take these things for granted – it’s you who is doing all this – and by yourself – little goals GA, that’s what you’re succeeding in – achieving little goals). You’ve got the PhaMS support worker person set up and assisting you (and daily contact) – that’s better than a little goal; that’s a good one.

You’ve had an enormous year of turmoil GA – really heavy stuff that you’ve been battling. You’ve made progress – you may not think so, but you have. Just look back – even document it – even the little stuff.

You’re progressing GA. I know you feel like crap and you know what, that’s ok. But stay here cause you’ve got people who care for you and who are right beside you supporting you.

Neil

Girl_Anachronism · ‎22-11-2014

Hi Neil,

You're going to make me cry you know. Yes I can make that pact for now. Does it matter if I have to go back to bed in the afternoon? I did get up, get changed and some days I even shower.

I have felt like absolute crap. I hate these emotions. I hate feeling like this. Ididn't really have anything new to say, but I wanted to say I am still here and have been nurying myself in a video game these past few days. Not really enjoying it with pizazz but it is distracting me, most of the time.

The rest of the world can wait.

I have a mindfulness group catchup this week and haven't been doing m6ch mindfulness, formally. So I failed that homework too.

Back to my cocoon. I hope you are coping. It really means so much to me that you are on here, that there's somebody there to listen.

GA

Girl_Anachronism · ‎24-11-2014

Today is not a good day.

GA

Neil_1 · ‎25-11-2014

Hi GA

That’s one thing I think I’m ok at – that’s listening.

And dear oh dear – making you cry! That’s the last thing I wanted to happen.

Distractions – that’s the key at this point in time. Try to introduce as many distractions as you can – even try different ones; just in case you start to get bored with the one that you’ve got happening.

What about horse-riding? Is there a stable somewhere nearby that you could try and phone up and have a go at that? That is really out of left field and perhaps would be the furtherest thing from your mind – but something a bit ‘different’.

Keep writing GA.

Neil

Ps: the little dog in my profile pic, is Tess – my Mum’s 15yo silky terrier. She’s absolutely gorgeous.

Girl_Anachronism · ‎25-11-2014

Hi Neil,

Depression is just so insidious. I may be distracting myself, pause to go to the bathroom and it takes that one minute when I sit down again. In that minute, it all hits me and I just curl up for an hour or more.

I missed the therapy group yesterday, and my PhaMs worker just drove me round, talked and got me out of two anxiety attacks. There was discussion over admission, which I refused but she managed to maybe get me into a respite centre, on Friday. Its isn't guaranteed but its all I have to hold onto.

I need to get out of this house. I don't think hospital will help. It didn't last time. Hopefully this respite centre might, if it comes through. it is only for BPD clients.

I don't want to hold onto it so bad, but I don't feel like I have another option. Living on the streets would be better than this. J, my PhaMs worker, assures me that there is hope and life for me from this. I can't beleive her. I don't know what she sees.

It is a struggle to continue. All this pain and loss is overwhelming. I made a promise to J which I am going to keep, to not do anything bad this week. it is a struggle for so long.

I do hope the respite comes through, it will only be for a week, but that's something right? I haven't been getting more than 5 hours sleep a night.

How are you doing Neil? How are you coping? I notice you post more on here, and I hope it is helping you aswell as others. Tess is absolutely beatiful, with such big eyes. I can see she must be a delight.

GA

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Mares73 · ‎27-11-2014

Beautiful GA your honestly one of the first people I think of everyday. I know you've had a he'll of a year & it's a testament to your strength & courage that as hard as things get you keep fighting or holding on. So much as happened that you haven't even had a chance to grieve over the breakdown of your marriage. It must feel like the hits keep on coming. I'll cross my heart & hope the respite comes through. Right now your first priority is stable accommodation. That will make a huge difference in your life. There's a whole backlog of emotions to deal with but until you have stable accommodation you can't possibly deal with those emotions. I wish so much you could come stay with me & be looked after. But we have to hope for the respite & other accommodation your worker was trying to get for you. My heart truly goes out to you. You've had one trauma after another all year. I'll check for a response later. Please know your in my heart & thoughts. Lve Mares xxx

Girl_Anachronism · ‎27-11-2014

Hi Mares,

Thankyou so much for your kind words. I don't know what to say.

I haven't slept more then four hours a night this past week. What I do get is broken. As much as I don't want to, I am going into the duty medical officer today to see if I can get something else to help me sleep, or for this anxiety. I can see my gp next week, but I can't afford it this week.

It will increase my anxiety to do so, as it'll be a new person and I don't know what they'll say, not to mention being at the hospital at all. But I need to get some sleep.

I am beyond exhausted.

How's that little puppy of yours going?

GA