Getting it off my chest

random_guy1 · ‎09-06-2023

I’ve been sat here for like 5 minutes not knowing how to start or what to say. It’s 2 am, sry if the grammars not right I dropped out, anyway about 2 years ago something flipped in me I shut everyone out including my 2 friends now 1 probably not for long though, idk if I’m depressed but I feel like I shouldn’t be alive plus I don’t see my future being sun shine and rainbows. We found out my brother had made plans to take his own life, that was a couple months ago but he seems to be doing better, he has a new gf he also started going to the gym. I feel like I’m the reason he felt the way he felt so better me then him, I’m not really giving up yet cause I don’t want to make my family sad, my mum went through way to much pain when she was younger I don’t want to add to it. My parents weren’t the best parents but I don’t blame them they weren’t ready for kids they said it them selves, I don’t make eye contact with anyone because I’m scared they see me for me a piece of human scum, im a coward I made stupid deal with my self halfway through last year that if things didn’t get better I would do it, didn’t obviously. I’m emotionally numb the thought of showing my emotions to anyone including family or friends just seems impossible, this website’s pretty cool though

Sophie_M · ‎09-06-2023

Hey random_guy1,

Welcome to the Forums, and thank you sharing here. We can understand how difficult it must be to feel this way, and we really appreciate you being open and sharing what's going on for you right now.

We’re reaching out to you privately to check you’re ok. In the meantime, we’d encourage you to give the Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. If you're under 25, we’d recommend reaching out to Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 or webchat through their website.

We can hear you've had thoughts about end your life, thank you for sharing that. If you’re feeling suicidal at the moment, or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. That might mean speaking to the GP, reaching our counsellors on the number above, or you could connect with Lifeline on 13 11 14. If you ever feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

therising · ‎09-06-2023

Hi random_guy1

It sounds like you've been trying to manage a number of significant challenges over time. While some may be obvious, including your sufferance and your brother's sense of sufferance, I think the less obvious challenges can sometimes prove to be the greatest struggle at times. I feel for you so much as you face the kind of challenges that lead you to question so much.

Being a 52yo gal who's managed mental health challenges since my late teens, I've come to make some sense of a number of the general challenges in life that can sometimes have the biggest impact. Wondering if some are relatable

Not having certain skills for managing, ones that should have been given to us when we were younger, so as to manage life more effectively. Not necessarily our parents' fault, as a lot of the time they weren't given those skills either. So, how can they pass on to us what they don't know?
Not understanding the significance of emotions, how they can serve us, what we can do with them or achieve through them, why certain ones come up at times, what every single emotion means when we feel it, how new and unfamiliar ones arrive when a new challenge comes into our life, how to get a really good feel for them, how to generate more emotion, how to emotionally detach in a good way and so on
Not knowing how to better understand and manage our energy. What does it mean when it's low? How can we calm it when it's hyperactive (like with anxiety)? Gaining an understanding of mental energy, physical/chemical energy and natural energy that's more of a soulful kind of thing
Not fully recognising how it feels when something tells us we can't manage a challenge on our own, when something in us insists we look for some form of guidance (from parent, friend, professional, someone who can relate to what we're facing etc)
Not understanding how the mind may work a little cryptically at times. For example, 'I just don't know how to live anymore'. Considered in a different, less depressing way, this could be a revelation. The revelation is kind of announcing 'How can I live when I haven't been shown how to do it under the circumstances?'. There'll always be times in our life where we won't know how to live. The key is to find guidance in someone or something that can show us how to do it based on our nature and the circumstances we face. My mum's 84 and my dad's 88. I won't know how to live without them when they pass away because I've never done that before. Whether I seek guidance through grief counseling or try and work it out with my siblings, husband or kids, my goal will become about knowing how to do it successfully in ways that will come to serve me

When it comes to guidance, it can be a bit of a Goldilocks experience, something we need to get a feel for. Too hot, too cold, just right. Too hard, too soft, just right etc etc. People, places, advice, situations, forms of guidance all have a feel to them. We can be facing the hardest time in our life when someone who's into 'tough love' (when it comes to motivation) is too hard and it hurts. Someone else may have the softly softly approach which isn't going really push us in the right direction. What's just right for us may come from the advice of someone who feels deeply for us as they give us a solid push in the right direction. We can feel that as inspiration and/or motivation.

Would you feel differently if someone told you that you were on the verge of knowing how to live under the circumstance? The verge is in between the point of not knowing and knowing. It can have such a brutal painful empty hopeless 'limbo' feel to it, that's for sure.

indigo22 · ‎09-06-2023

Hi random_guy1,

I am so sorry to hear how low you are feeling at the moment. There are many of us here that have been where you are and have managed to somehow get through it. There is no single cure for what you are feeling but talking it though is a really good start and I hope you will return to this conversation when you feel like you can talk. There is no judgement here, we hear you and offer our support and ideas that we have found helpful, and it is anonymous so you can express yourself freely.

Thank you for finding the courage to join the forum and start talking. The reason we feel so trapped in these feelings is our complete lack of self-worth, our lack of love for our self.

Firstly if you really were a coward, you would not have found the courage to come here.

Secondly, you are not a piece of human scum, you are just someone who is in a painful place and does not have the tools to help himself at the moment.

Thirdly, we all make deals with ourselves that we don't follow through with once we see that it is not the best course of action and that makes you smart, not stupid.

Lastly, you are a kind and considerate human being because you are thinking of your family's feelings and that is preventing you from acting on your own feelings which a very admirable personality trait. You have just been so hard on yourself for so long that you have lost sight of all your positive aspects.

I get that you are emotionally numb at the moment but if you are willing to open up and start to change one small step at a time it will get better over time.

Hang in there,

indigo22