Feeling trapped is one of the scariest feelings Ive ever encountered. This feeling of having no control and seeing no way out has brought me within inches of a fatal action. And it's something I've been feeling a lot recently.
for context I recently was admitted to hospital for an attempt. I spent almost a month in hospital and I'm definitely doing better now that I was before due to some big changes I had to make including leaving my job. This wasn't my first bout with mental health problems I'm in my early twenties and I've been dealing with mental health issues on and off since I was 7 or 8. However this recent episode was by far the most dangerous.
I want to clarify that I'm not currently feeling suicidal but I am feeling (for lack of a better phrase) trapped in life. I've had episodes in the past, and they've only been worse each time and so I feel that if and when I have another episode, I'm worried that I may not be so lucky. As a result of this I feel a sense of futility in doing anything to benefit my future. I feel like it's pointless to out effort into taking care of myself and trying to get my life on track. I think one of the main driving forces for me is empathy cos it hurts to know that people are worried for me and that I might be the cause of pain and anguish. I know pain, I know anguish and I wouldn't wish the same on anyone, much less someone I know who cares about me.
And so I find myself stuck. Feeling like I'm living only to protect people I know from a tragedy that I think may be inevitable.
