Frozen in fear

[Esc]

Hello all.  I’ve no doubts that I suffer from depression and anxiety.  My biggest hurdle, is that I make headways at bettering myself, only to regress backwards into a frozen fearful world.  At present, realisation has made me painfully aware, how little friends I have.  My inept ability hinders me in making new friends, or how I don’t follow through to keep them.  My self loathe and hatred, blinds me into believing that I am not worthy and inferior as I don’t work, when others do.  I feel judged or scorned because I am not experiencing the struggles most others endure.  I volunteer and study, but can’t shake the feeling of worthlessness.  My family has grown and I am often overlooked.  Discarded, only spoken to when they need something from me.  I have no connections or resources to help them in today’s social and economic climate.  I am useless, of no consequence or of value to others.  I try so hard to move forwards in the positive, but I let myself down with a “why bother, I’d  still be alone and lonely”.  My hatred and self loathing is tangible and my self esteem can only be judged by how others never contact me.  I am a worthless individual whose only redeeming feature, is that I am always there for others.  How can I possibly find solace in knowing what a complete and utter failure I am.  Loneliness is cruel and I am completely incapable of moving forward and making friends.  Yes, I’ve tried counselling etc., only to find very little joy in life.  So tired of being tired and isolated. 

[BlueLily]

Hi Esc,

Welcome back to the forum. Sorry to hear you are going through depression and anxiety.

Making headways at bettering, only to regress backwards, sounds very familiar to my own experience with depression and anxiety. In the midst of this you are still able to not only study but also volunteer. This means you are a fighter and much more strong than you might anticipate yourself. 

I myself find being distance from friends when I'm going through depression. Maintaining a friendship is a bit of work in terms of keeping in touch with them and recalling their stories and making plans to catch up with them. So even though you feel like you are inept at making new friends, it's most likely because it needs work mentally and physically. At a time when you are not at your full mental potential, it can feel like your family simply overlook you because they may feel that you are withdrawing due to depression you are going through. I have been told by my family that I can be irritated easily at times when I was going through depression. So I make sure to let them know that I'm not feeling best and they have learned to give me space. If you are not comfortable speaking openly with your family one suggestion is you can simply say things like "I'm not in a good mood these days" or "I'm feeling a little sad these days so don't mind me".

Your only redeemable feature, being always there for others, is the best feature a friend could ask for. I personally think few great friends are so worthwhile than so many distance friends. Specially when I'm not at my full potential I tend to focus on one or two good friends. I have also learnt rather than showing them a happy facade, opening up to them about my thought process actually brings us closer. 

Take care of yourself...