Had an okay day,now feel like crap.

ABC01

Dear All,

Today I had the first nearly okay day I have had in 6 whole months. I have been working towards,even ASKING/BEGGING for just okay days.

But as the sun is setting, I now am starting to feel so upset. Is it because I haven’t felt like this in a long time? Is it because I am so used to feeling upset,that if I get upset again during the day, I have already felt it so it doesn’t hit so hard?

Is it guilt? Do I feel guilty to feel NEARLY OKAY?

What is wrong with me?

ABC01

Eagle Ray

Dear ABC01,

I definitely don’t think there is anything wrong with you. I think when we have been really struggling for a long time and then we finally start to feel more ok, the whole system can easily revert. With any patterns shifting it takes time and we can pendulate back and forth between different states. A number of different things can shift us back into a more depressive state, anything from a hormonal shift, a memory trigger, tiredness etc. So try not to be down on yourself.

I'm experiencing something similar as the result of having to come off medication that was really helping my mental state but causing other side effects. I'm now back to experiencing bouts of deep depression on and off throughout the day. It's quite usual for me to be sobbing while making my breakfast in the morning. It's just where my body is at. But I am trying to break this up in various ways.

One thing I am going to try today is go to my favourite place by the ocean and do a quiet meditation and bring some calm and peace to my system. Another thing I noticed that was helpful was seeing something funny. The other night I was watching something funny on TV and I laughed out loud several times. I think humour can really help to break up depressive states.

I read a quote that I found very helpful which is:

"Love is the acceptance of all things as they are without reservation".

I find if I start to apply this love and acceptance to any state that I am in, it starts to feel easier. I think we can sometimes be in an internal fight with our inner states when what may be most helpful is turning towards and nurturing ourselves rather than feeling we are fighting something, if that makes sense?

I hope you have been feeling a bit better, but it is also ok if not. Just go gently and try not to be hard on yourself.

Take care,

ER

ABC01

Dear Eagle Ray,

Thank you for your reply.

I do kind of understand what you mean about fighting with yourself over how you feel. It does my head in most days. What I do want it to feel better, but if I do, and only for a short time, it is like I am unable to accept that feeling. Like the monster is telling me I don’t deserve it. Whether that be anxiety,depression or other. Maybe I don’t love myself very much right now.

My mornings are usually lost and when I find something to distract myself, then it does, only to stop in the late afternoon and have everything flood back in on me. I may have talked with you about this on a different post.

I am sorry that you are experiencing changes due to your medication. The ocean sounds lovely. I wish I drove, so I could escape to places like that. Your posts always have positivity in them, thank you for that.

I hope you did have a good day at your favourite spot.

ABC01

Eagle Ray

Dear ABC01,

It is so tough isn’t it. In a recent somatic exercise with my psychologist I actually saw the part of me trying to care for myself literally fighting with the part of myself that sabotages me. They were literally in a fist fight with one another. So I think I understand what you mean about the monster telling you that you don’t deserve good feelings. What I could see clearly in me was the feeling that I don’t deserve care, including self-care. But having seen that so clearly now I am feeling a shift. It’s like the part of me that is self-caring has gotten assertive with the part that is harsh towards myself.

It’s tricky with distraction isn’t it in that it helps while doing it, but things come flooding back afterwards. I have used my interest in photography a lot as distraction. I didn’t get to the ocean today. But what I did late this afternoon was I went for a walk in the woodland across the road with my camera, absorbed in the distraction of it as usual. But on the way back I found a new bench seat installed at the top of the hill. I decided to just sit and see if I could meditate with the sun getting low and the beautiful light and nature around. So I moved from distraction to just feeling what is in my body and in my surroundings. The first thing I noticed is how much pain and restriction is in my body, and just noticing it can lead to it starting to release which I could feel happening. I became much more present with my surroundings, the light, the trees, the feel of the air etc. it was probably only for about 15 minutes but I did feel more settled and peaceful than I did beforehand.

So I think what I’m trying to say is sometimes a mix of distraction but also sitting quietly and allowing ourselves to feel can be helpful, especially in peaceful surroundings. If we are only distracting perhaps we are blocking feeling all the time, but sometimes we may benefit from just allowing ourselves to feel too in a kind, non-judgemental way. I can’t meditate like I used to since I went through a particular trauma (long story) but I’m trying to ease my way back into it in a way that is comfortable for me.

I’m not sure if that helps, but I just thought I’d share that as it’s what helped me today.

Take good care,

Eagle Ray

ABC01

Dear Eagle Ray,

That was helpful thankyou.

I am not going to the social group today. 1# I could find decent public transport on a Sunday to get there. And 2# I am listening to my body and it has me going to the bathroom since last night. So I strong indicator that I am not ready to go yet. So I can wait. There are other meetings at other dates. I will try zoom first.
However, you have got me challenging myself to do something different instead. Clearly, lying or sitting on my bed all day isn’t working. Even with the TV on or a computer infront of me. It never has, even before my additional diagnosis this year. So I am going to try something new today. I brought a stroller for my small dog who is getting old. She has hurt one of her legs and is limping. I will put that together today and go for a walk with her to get her and me outside. I can pick her up out of it and let her sniff and ect along the way.

Finding a way is also tricky,so take your time Eagle Ray.

Thank you again,

ABC01

Eagle Ray

Dear ABC01,

That’s good you listened to your body. Yes, you can go another time if you feel up to it. And the Zoom option may be the best to begin with as it’s the easiest. I’m sure many others attending will be feeling just like you.

That is so lovely you have got the stroller for your little dog. I loved reading how you will let her sniff things along the way 🥰 I’m sure she will love getting out for some different sights and smells. Years ago I was caring for a Guinea pig while housesitting and I remember taking her around the garden to smell different flowers. I hope you and your doggy had a lovely walk. You are such a kind person ABC01.

Take care and have a lovely evening,

ER

ABC01

Dear Eagle Ray,

Thank you for calling me a kind person. People say that alot about me, but it doesn't really get me very far.

The Zoom meeting was interesting. It had it's good side and bad side. It was much easier to have the courage to attend online. I am doing another one soon. The only negative part was when the host left, the whole meeting got turned off. There was one woman who was seeking, just like me and I would have loved to have talked to her to make sure she had a direction for how to seek more help. She seemed really lost. I also would have loved even a small educational component. Or other groups/treatment options, considering it was a support group for depression.

My dog did love the walk and the stroll. I think I may have to bling up her ride. It made me happy to see her face poking out of the top and sniff the air in the sunshine. Guinea Pigs are super cute. They make the best little noises.

Have a nice evening too.

ABC01

Eagle Ray

Dear ABC01,

Oh that’s great you did the Zoom meeting. I agree, things can seem to end abruptly on Zoom, though I think if facilitated well everyone should get a chance to say goodbye and hopefully feel settled at the end. I can sense how empathic you are caring about the woman who was feeling lost. It’s not as easy over Zoom to just talk with an individual when you want to. The Zoom meeting I do with some people once a month involves us going into small breakout groups of 3 or 4 for a while to discuss a topic. Last time one of the people was really going through a lot trying to process her complex trauma experiences. So the other 3 of us just really listened and supported her. It felt so meaningful and there was so much love we were able to give her. I don’t know if breaking into smaller groups is something your depression group could do but it seems to allow that more interpersonal support to happen. I agree, an educational component could be really good. It may depend on the skills of the facilitator.

I loved reading about your dog and her face poking out sniffing the air 🥰 The first time I lived with dogs there were two of them and I remember taking them for a walk for the first time. They were so excited with their ears listening to everything and so alert to the world. It was an absolute joy to be with them.

I think with your kindness ABC01, a real benefit is being able to direct the same kindness you give others towards yourself. That’s something I’ve really struggled to do. Often we are the last people we care for - ourselves. But even making that decision to do the walk, you have done something caring for you and your dog and created a nice memory. I think we can gradually learn to create the positive experiences that can be very healing and repair ourselves in the process.

Kind support to you,

ER

ABC01

Thank you Eagle Ray,

I do agree with you that we often leave ourselves last on the kindness list. I am not very good at it either. Although if I do something nice for someone else I feel a sense of accomplishment in doing so.

One of my favourite things to see when walking my bigger dog,is to watch her ears bop. She doesn’t have massive ears,but the ears she has bop up and down as she gets momentum. Sort of like a flap of a bird when they open their wings right out. That is when I know she is really loving it. 🥰 And that makes me smile. They live in the moment.

Thanks for the chat,

ABC01

Eagle Ray

Aww, that’s lovely ABC01 about your big dog’s ears bopping along 🥰 They do so live in the moment. It’s the wonderful thing about animals. They remind us how to be present and enjoy the moment.

I find a sense of meaning and accomplishment too if I feel like I can help someone else. I think good energy comes from giving good energy. I’m gradually learning to include myself more in the giving too rather than being hard on myself. Slowly getting there.

May you have a lovely day ABC01,

ER