Fragmented

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

Today I need to get some feedback from the community. This is a pretty heavy conversation so I hope it doesn't trigger anyone. Most days I am stable with my depression but I feel I am just going through the motions a lot of the time. I still can't seem to manage the day to day stuff and I don't seem to care. I have been isolating for many years so when covid hit, it didn't change anything for me personally. I am more comfortable with animals than humans, that is not because I am anti social, I just think I have been hurt too often by humans.

I feel like with every loss, every betrayal, every negative experience, I lost a piece of myself and now there are so many pieces missing that I sometimes wonder if the little that is left is worth the effort. Can anyone relate to this feeling?

I have always been a sensitive creative person and sang for most of my life along with crafts, making jewellery, in fact I have tried my hand at a great many creative things. But I lost interest in all the things that used to light me up when I went into a state of chronic depression about 12 years ago and haven't been able to get the spark back. I miss that person but I don't know how to find her. All feedback will be greatly appreciated.

indigo22

[indigo22]

Hi dig & Eagle Ray,

dig - Reaching out is not a problem for me, it's more that there is no one who really gets it, that's not to say they would not try to be compassionate, but they have never had any form of mental illness so don't really understand how that can effect your thinking. My niece is probably the exception but she has a demanding job and we don't talk as much as we would like to as it is. That's why I am grateful for you both and the forum, for the first time, I don't need to go into long explanations, because you get it.

Eagle Ray - Thank you for sharing your somatic experiences, it has helped me understand a bit more of how that therapy works, I cracked up when I read the part about your cousin. I agree, I absolutely believe that the body has the innate ability to heal itself, I just can't remember what I did with the User Manual 😀.

I had one audio title by Peter Levine, now I have four of his titles! I picked up Trauma and Memory while is was so cheap, and today I added the audio titles Healing Trauma (thanks dig) and Sexual Healing. I am never going to get to the end of my reading list!

I also want to let you both know that the smoothies have helped to bring my energy level up, not drastically yet, but enough to help me get some things done. So will keep having one a day until I am ready to take on the troubles of the world and fix 'em 😉.

I should be able to see the woman I was telling you about in a couple of weeks, hopefully I will be able to let go during our sessions and start the healing process 🤞.

Hope you are having a great time on the road 🦅

Take care dig 😺 

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo and dig,

Dig, I so understand needing that team around you to let go. It’s something that seems to happen in its own time when it’s ready and when enough of the circumstances and supports are there to allow it to happen.

Indigo, I hear you re: the User Manual. I think a major component of the challenge is that our society in general doesn’t teach us to be really in tune with our bodily responses and what they are able to do in trauma recovery. We are such a mind/mentally focussed society and kind of taught to suppress our body or be hard on it, rather than be relationally connected with it and aware of how it tries to communicate with us. It’s changing a bit now in that kids learn things like mindfulness meditation at school which at least helps with being a bit more present with what is happening within.

It took me a year before I finally did the letting go with my psychologist. I realised it was the first time I’d really allowed myself to just break down in the presence of another. Trust and safety are such big things for me. So although my psychologist is the nicest, safest person, it still took me a year to get to that point, a point I don’t think I even realised I was trying to get to until it actually happened.

Thank you, I’m very much enjoying my journey. I climbed a granite outcrop next to a beautiful lake today. The view was stunning with patterns and reflections in the lake. There were so many interesting plants. I saw quite a few different birds too. I’m finding it a really healing journey.

Indigo, I know what you mean about the reading list. I have so much to read still. It can be an exciting journey of self-discovery even if the topics are challenging at times. It’s so good to find stuff that resonates.

Wishing you both healing warm wishes 🙏🤗

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Indigo and Eagle Ray 🙂 

Oh yeah I see what you mean, that makes sense Indigo, re having no one that really 'gets it'. I think that is why I started reaching out on this forum - to connect with people who have a lived experience with mental health challenges. Because my support people are lovely but only get it to a certain extent. I really appreciate connecting with you and Eagle Ray too. I can literally feel a sense of relief in my body to know that there are other people out there who know what I am going through!

I love the User Manual analogy too, haha 😂. It's like trying to assemble an IKEA item without the instructions. Bit of trial and error. Oh does this piece go here, or there..... No, it doesn't fit that way so I'll have to undo this part and reassemble..... etc..... until all the pieces fit together.  

You might find some of the material you are reading overlaps. I'm listening to an audio of Peter Levine's Waking the Tiger and so far it's very similar to Healing Trauma. Might make it quicker to get through the reading list 😉.

I am so glad the smoothies are helping bit by bit. And I am so glad that soon you will be able to see the spiritual counsellor. Sounds like you are building some energy and strength in preparation for the healing that is to come. Ohh, and let me know when you have sorted out the problems of the world!! .....

I want to re-read your post Eagle Ray, on somatic experiencing..... I'll get to that soon.....

I had a lovely day today. Surfing this morning - soooooooo good to be in the ocean - my therapy. And chai tea at one of my favourite cafes that has a very relaxed and Bohemian feel, where I can chill out and be in my little 'zone', journalling and enjoying the sunshine. 

Take Care, 

dig

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray and dig,

Something happened today that let me know there are definitely still kind and caring people in the world. A few weeks ago I got a letter from the Council to say there had been a complaint about the fact that some of my bushes and a particular tree was intruding on the foot path. I had been planning to get out and do some pruning and cutting back for a while but I either didn't have the energy or the weather was too lousy when I did have the energy. I called late last week and spoke the person who was on the letter and explained why it had not been done yet and he asked if I was planning to tackle it myself. I said yes, because I can't afford to get someone in to do it for me and asked if he would give me a couple of extra weeks to get it done. Today, 2 men, one with the cutting gear and the other with the broom/rake where out there cutting everything back. I went out and said I was supposed to do that, what's the story? He said, we are just here to help you a little, enjoy the rest of your day. I almost cried and thanked them for their kindness. I am still a bit dumfounded by it.

Eagle Ray, the scene you described sounds very picturesque, I hope you had your camera with you. So glad you are enjoying your trip and finding some healing along the way. You are so right about society being mind oriented, we were brainwashed that way from our fist day at school. I hope you are right about things changing so that future generations will not need the pharmaceutical companies that are sucking the health out of everyone. Have you read any of David R Hawkins books? I was looking at a sample of the book about Map of Consciousness and it looks really interesting.

Dig, or should I say surfer girl 😉, sounds like a lovely relaxing day you had, I hope you have a lot more like that.

I love the ocean too, I chose to move to a coastal town, but prefer to be near it and looking at it rather than being in it, due to a childhood experience.

Hope you have both had a good day

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo and dig,

Indigo, that is so lovely the people coming to cut back the bushes for you. I know that feeling of struggling to do things. I’m doing much better now, but for a long time I couldn’t do the simplest task. It makes such a difference having help like that. It’s hard being on your own and responsible for everything with no one else to debrief with, manage things etc. I sometimes feel very isolated, but whenever someone does something kind like that it’s a reminder we are not alone in the world and there is kindness and support out there.

 I haven’t read David R Hawkins. The Map of Consciousness does sound very interesting! I have found shifts in consciousness are often what lead into a healing space/place within myself. It’s where a natural healing process unfolds when I’m able to access it.

Yes, I have my camera with me all the time. I visited three nature reserves today, all featuring a large granite outcrops with pools of water, delicate moss gardens, speedy little reptiles running about and birds and flowers around the base of each rock. Actually, I think when I go into nature like this it’s one way I shift consciousness in a way that is healing. I kind of merge with the environment.

Which makes me thing of you surfing Dig. That’s an awesome thing to do, to be really connected with your body and one with the ocean. I used to bodyboard as a kid and teenager. I was quite brave in the ocean then but much less so now. I wish I could surf but don’t think it’ll be happening in this lifetime. I live in a coastal location too and love to go for a swim. My name on here, Eagle Ray, actually comes from the eagle rays (kind of stingray) I often see in the ocean and estuary. I always take care not to stand on them when I’m in the water as they like to bury themselves in the sand!

 I hope you’ve both had a lovely day.

[Moonbeamer]

Dear indigo22

I understand you are dealing with a lot.

I'm an artist myself and can identify with the value of creativity you have expressed. I don't want to come across as simplistic but there is something that has helped me.

Sometimes when I am struggling through a bad patch of depression, I kind of try to accept that it is what is going on, but that things may change eventually. I use the time I know I am going to be stuck doing creative things that do not necessarily involve much thought. I basically 'go through the motions'... not feeling at all great, but pottering on. For example there may be a large bit of boring shading to fill in on a drawing. It isn't the most interesting or challenging part of the artwork but it has to be done nonetheless. I do the shading, almost like a robot. But the shading gets done and so does a bit of the overall work... progress, no matter how small, has been made and when the cycle comes back to a good day (or good hour even) it can be a pleasant little boost : "wow, even though I felt like shit, I got something done after all!".

This has been a helpful strategy for me, maybe for you and others also?

Take care and all the best.

[indigo22]

Hi Moonbeamer,

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I am not sure if you have read the full thread, but the problem for me is not yet being able to access that creative part of me, like its dormant. We have discussed this a lot in this thread and I think the reason is that I am stuck in energy of the past. I plan on getting some help soon to help me shift that energy, then maybe I will be able to find the creative spark again. I gave up on being hard on myself on the bad days a long while ago, these days I am mostly stable with the moods, it's the fatigue that really bothers me.

Are you still free of your nightmares? The reason I mentioned getting some help in your thread is that it sounds like you may be stuck in some of the energy of the past also. There are also a lot of good books available that can be helpful, we have mentioned some in this thread but I also wanted to mention Radical Forgiveness and Radical Self-Forgiveness by Colin Tipping if you are ready, I am not quite there yet, but I know that I will need visit these books eventually. You are welcome to join in this discussion if you wish, we are giving each other support through the healing journey, you might find it helpful also.

I hope today is a good day for you 🙂

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi Moonbeamer,

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I am not sure if you have read the full thread, but the problem for me is not yet being able to access that creative part of me, like its dormant. We have discussed this a lot in this thread and I think the reason is that I am stuck in energy of the past. I plan on getting some help soon to help me shift that energy, then maybe I will be able to find the creative spark again. I gave up on being hard on myself on the bad days a long while ago, these days I am mostly stable with the moods, it's the fatigue that really bothers me.

Are you still free of your nightmares? The reason I mentioned getting some help in your thread is that it sounds like you may be stuck in some of the energy of the past also. There are also a lot of good books available that can be helpful, we have mentioned some in this thread but I also wanted to mention Radical Forgiveness and Radical Self-Forgiveness by Colin Tipping if you are ready, I am not quite there yet, but I know that I will need visit these books eventually. You are welcome to join in this discussion if you wish, we are giving each other support through the healing journey, you might find it helpful also.

I hope today is a good day for you 🙂

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray,

So glad you are enjoying your trip, I hope the weather has been good to you.

I understand the shift in consciousness you refer to, I have only had a couple of instances where I have been able to do it though, and I am not sure I was fully there yet either. It's great that you are able to do that when you are in nature.

When the weather warms up, I am going to get myself out and sit by the ocean or walk along the shore, that is where I feel most peaceful with the soothing sound of the waves. Someone also advised me to go to a volcanic rock beach that's near here and lay on the rocks as they absorb the negative energy from the body, so I am going to try that as well.

I looked up the eagle rays, they are quite beautiful to look at but I would not want to get one angry with a tail like that 😉. I always assumed the reference was to the bird so thanks for clearing that up.

Happy trails,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Indigo,

Thank you. I’ve been lucky with the weather with only one rainy day. There was a beautiful fog this morning with the sun a golden ball shining through it. I realised I’m very tired so have crawled back to bed for a bit before venturing out.

 I began to noticeably experience the shift in consciousness when I started going to sound healing sessions back in 2011. I would go into what were essentially waking dreams, knowing I’m awake but having visions come to me that I was not thinking up, they just emerged as a dream does. They were so profound and all these things that had seemed stressful and unresolvable in my life just resolved. It’s like there were no divisions, conflicts, brokenness etc. Everything came together. Once out of these states there was a tendency to fall back into some of the stress, but it helped knowing this unity and healing is possible.

Earlier this year I had someone sing some healing songs to me. Afterwards I went into the most transcendent state. I think what I experienced was a kundalini awakening, something I’d only heard about but didn’t really understand before that. For a few weeks I felt the best I’ve ever felt, just pure happiness and connectedness to everyone and everything. But then gradually things slipped a bit backwards, which can happen with such awakenings. But it taught me how powerful consciousness is and how it can profoundly heal.

So although I’m not quite in that state now, and fears from the past can still overwhelm me at times, I know there is real hope and healing can definitely occur. It’s kind of like two steps forward and one back as the body, heart and spirit learn a new way of being. The mind I find follows when you work through the body, heart and spirit, if that makes sense.

Yes, eagle rays are graceful creatures. The ones where I live are quite friendly, as long as you don’t accidentally stand on one. People fishing often stand in the water at fish cleaning stations and the rays come up and nudge them for scraps. They are so cute, like puppy dogs asking “can I have some please?” There are bigger kinds of rays that do this too. The fishers are very used to it and feed them scraps by hand.

Enjoy your time when you get out by the ocean. The volcanic beach sounds really interesting. I have a favourite healing spot by the ocean that’s my safe place that always holds me. May the coastal landscape and ocean hold you and take care of you.

All the best,

ER