Fragmented

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

Today I need to get some feedback from the community. This is a pretty heavy conversation so I hope it doesn't trigger anyone. Most days I am stable with my depression but I feel I am just going through the motions a lot of the time. I still can't seem to manage the day to day stuff and I don't seem to care. I have been isolating for many years so when covid hit, it didn't change anything for me personally. I am more comfortable with animals than humans, that is not because I am anti social, I just think I have been hurt too often by humans.

I feel like with every loss, every betrayal, every negative experience, I lost a piece of myself and now there are so many pieces missing that I sometimes wonder if the little that is left is worth the effort. Can anyone relate to this feeling?

I have always been a sensitive creative person and sang for most of my life along with crafts, making jewellery, in fact I have tried my hand at a great many creative things. But I lost interest in all the things that used to light me up when I went into a state of chronic depression about 12 years ago and haven't been able to get the spark back. I miss that person but I don't know how to find her. All feedback will be greatly appreciated.

indigo22

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray & dig,

Please don't misunderstand, I am also a HSP and an empath. It's why I feel like I was dropped off on the wrong planet, because I have never understood the violence and carelessness of the human race. I call myself indigo because I am one of the indigo scouts that came in the first wave, which makes me want to fix what is wrong with the world. If you are familiar with Numerology, I am a 22/4 which one of the master numbers with a high sense of responsibility and known as the master builder. It is just in my nature to want to advocate for those who have been mistreated, including myself. Your posts just bought out that need in me to nurture and heal. I know you are both on your own journey of healing and I respect that, I was not so much upset by the details as I was touched by them and wanted to give you both my support and care. Eagle Ray, I am glad you are finding your way to healing your past and DIG, I am glad you have a caring partner to help you through the journey. I am also still finding my way. I feel I have gotten to know you both a little these past few weeks and feel we are a good source of support for each other.

The thing that I hadn't taken into account is that I have a friend who had cancer and had a laryngectomy a few months ago, I have just found out that the cancer may be in his lungs now, having biopsy next week. So feeling a little more vulnerable that usual right now as he is one of the few friends that has never let me down.

Take care both,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Indigo,

I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. I hope it works out for him and the cancer hasn’t spread or can be contained. I understand about feeling vulnerable when something happens to those special people who have supported you. It is wonderful having people in your life you know have never let you down and you have those feelings of safety and unconditionality with. Sending you and your friend caring wishes and support.

It’s a lovely thing to care for others and to want to be an advocate for them. I find I will go into bat for others, especially children, if I see them being mistreated. I remember doing this when I was on prac as a teacher assistant and I saw a teacher severely bullying a child. I went to the principal and told him what I’d witnessed. He told me I was the third person to speak to him about it, so often others have picked up an injustice too and you realise there are other sensitive people who care. That particular teacher was removed from teaching early primary when it was realised she wasn’t safe for those kids.

 I haven’t been as good at advocating for myself because I was kind of invisible to myself for so long. But that’s gradually changing and I am learning to be a self-advocate now.

Anyway, thank you for being such a kind and caring soul 🙏

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray,

A similar incident happened when I was about 9 years old. A boy and I were holding hands in the grassed area of the school at lunch time, I think we both felt a bit like we didn't fit in and it was a comfort thing for us both. A teacher, who was a real battle-axe, came along and saw us holding hands and immediately dragged him away to give him the strap. I cried and pleaded with her not to because he had not done anything wrong but she did it anyway. That poor boy has probably not been able to be affectionate in public since. I was just too young to be able to stop it, but have never forgotten the injustice of it.

It's a good thing that you are learning to self-advocate, it's a very important trait to develop to keep yourself safe.

When I was going through my rage stage after losing everyone to cancer, I was exhausted one Friday afternoon and decided to have a couple of hours sleep. I woke to an unusual sound and found a stranger standing in the next room looking over my desk. I immediately saw red and said "what the ... are you doing in my house" his response (with a fright) "I'm looking for drugs". I told him there were no drugs in the house and to get the ... out, which he did, but I didn't realise until he had gone that he had already stolen stuff while I was asleep. I felt no fear, quite the opposite, I think if there had been any physical contact, he would have come off worse due to my rage. A few years prior, in a different location, I had been robbed. On that occasion, I felt uncomfortable and a bit scared for a while. Then one day I just said to myself, I will never allow anyone to make me feel afraid again, especially in my own home. I guess it worked 😉

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Indigo,

 I think what happens is when the rage is just below the surface, the fear doesn’t get a look-in. So you were already pushed to your limits with that intruder was in your house and you go straight into fight mode.

After my Mum died there was a skip bin I’d ordered in front of the house I was putting things in that couldn’t be given away or sold. Like you I was shattered from exhaustion, having cared for both my parents until their deaths. I heard the clunk sound of something landing in the skip bin. I came out to find a woman dumping a lamp, mattress and other stuff in there. I lost it. I said “What the $&@$ are you doing? Get your stuff out of there.” She tried to tell me there was room. I said no there isn’t and demanded she remove her stuff. I said “get your own $&@$ing skip bin.” Quick smart she got her stuff out, put it back in her car and drove off. It actually makes me laugh now. It’s not nearly as serious as having an intruder in the house, but I get when you have reached your limits and will go into action. It’s like you’ve reached zero tolerance. It’s good to remind myself I have that fight in me.

I’m so sorry to hear about what happened with that boy when you were 9. How brutal and stupid (sorry I had to say it) some adults can be. I remember a lot of volatile rage from teachers when I was at school which didn’t help when I already had it at home. The rage was usually directed at another child in trouble but I would feel it in my body like I was being yelled at. I hope that boy recovered ok.

Since fear of people is something that seems to arise involuntarily for me, I will remind myself of that fight instinct to not let other people make me afraid. My psychologist was suggesting even practising doing a daily practice of working on what I can say, holding myself tall etc, so that when I encounter certain situations it is easier to act. Thanks Indigo!

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hey Indigo (and Eagle Ray), 

I totally get it that you were touched by our stories (rather than upset), and it brought up the nurturing part of you. I really felt that - thank you 🙂 

And yes, I agree, getting to know you and Eagle Ray has helped to feel like it's a little 'support group'. I really appreciate that. I feel that I need constant support at the moment. A session with a psychologist every 2 or 3 weeks is just not enough to 'hold' me. So this discussion is a good touchstone for in-between sessions.   

I am sorry to hear about your friend maybe having cancer in their lungs. There seems to be a lot of cancer in your life and the people around you. Sending lots of healing vibes their way and to you too.

I have had a rough few days with another trauma trigger, but I think I am getting better at recognising what set it off, and then moving through it. It really rattles me at the time though and then leaves me feeling exhausted and vulnerable. Thank goodness for my cats, they will be my comfort today. 

Take care, 

dig 

[indigo22]

Hi dig,

I am sorry you have been triggered again, I hope your cats are giving you lots of cuddles today.

It's good that you are learning to recognise your triggers, that will help a great deal as you move through your healing journey.

I didn't think I had any triggers as such, but it turns out that I do. There were a lot of arguments when I was growing up, not physical violence, but a lot of loud angry voices. There is a couple who must live near me somewhere and they have, on a number of occasions, had their domestic fights as they are walking down my street, yelling, swearing, etc. and I find that triggers a sense of insecurity in me that must stem from childhood. It's strange that things still operate as triggers after all those years. For me, it passes fairly quickly when the loud voices are gone, but I can imagine that with deeper trauma, it lasts a lot longer before you can normalise again. I imagine you are picking up a few tips with your reading that will help as well.

I hope you are feeling more settled soon, I will be around on and off over the next few days if you need some support, and when I am not, perhaps Eagle Ray will be around.

Eagle Ray, excellent strategy reminding yourself of that day with the skip when you are feeling the fear of people taking hold, no one will mess with someone who exudes power from within.

Thank you both for your kind wishes for my friend, I have not had word yet, he has already been through so much, I just hope it's not cancer again.

Take care both,

indigo 

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray & dig,

I have been circling the drain with my energy the past few days, so today I pushed myself out the door and got lots of healthy stuff for making green smoothies and made up a batch tonight.

Going by Brooke Goldner's smoothie recipes (SmoothieShred.com), it's 75% greens (spinach, kale, etc.) plus chia or flax seed, water to the top of the greens, and 25% fruit (frozen or fresh). I added a couple of extras, lebanese cucumber, red capsicum, celery tops for extra greens and some raw cashews. It tastes great and if that doesn't start giving me some energy, nothing will. Will let you know how my energy after a couple of days of smoothies.

Take care both,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Indigo,

That smoothie sounds both delicious and nutritious. I feel like when you drink those kinds of smoothies you can really feel the goodness going into you. You are inspiring me to do some smoothies.

 I know that feeling of the energy drain. Apart from actual health conditions I have, I sometimes find the fatigue is linked to a stage I’m going through. If I’m doing a lot of emotional processing sometimes my body will go down with a kind of exhaustion. I’ve had to go with it to some degree in recent times and do a practice of letting go. So I don’t keep striving all the time and then my body actually gets to really let go and rest. And then it seems to be from there that I start to come back up again. I don’t know if that helps became I don’t know whether it’s a similar process for you or not. But I’ve always been hard on myself which has been a huge drain on my energy. I’m finally learning not to do it even though it’s still an impulse that’s there.

 I hope you feel much better soon 🤗 I’m heading off for 11 days tomorrow on a road trip so might not be in touch as often, but will try and check in along the way.

Take care and sending you restful and healing vibes. Let us know how you go with the smoothies. Yum yum 😋 

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Indigo, 

Thank you for your message of support on Wednesday. I was very raw that day. I have had a rough few days since then, too. In hindsight, I can see that lots of emotion was coming up, from my psychology session on Monday. In that session, we did a bit of noticing somatic/body sensations I was experiencing as we talked about a difficult topic. I could only tolerate it for a few seconds, then I changed the topic (a bit like, "oh look, there's a squirrel, let's talk about that!"). But that exercise was enough to bring up some very old, painful feelings. Also too, we were talking about how I had yelled at one of the cats when it was eating the other cat's food. I felt terrible, especially for a few days after when the cat would look so scared whenever I approached him and he would run away, kind of cowering. My psychologist said that 'that would have been me' - so terrified as a child - when my mother attacked me. Oh gosh. That really touched some deep pain, linking back to my childhood.  

I was very tender and raw on Tuesday and soooooooooo tired. That day, the email that I got from the insurance case manager tipped me into the fear & immobility response - the fear energy building but stuck in my body. That energy kept building and building - really intense agitation, & irritability, I was snappy, and wound up so tight like a spring when I was over at my partner's place.

Then, Wednesday morning I realised the email had triggered me into that immobility response and I was able to release and let go, through crying and being held by my partner. And then, complete and utter exhaustion that lasted a few days. I guess I moved the energy through my body, to complete what Peter Levine calls "the arousal cycle". I was very proud of myself. That's very new for me.  

On Thursday, I booked in to see my GP, and I told her about the email trigger and how I had moved through the stuck energy. She was proud of me too! And she said it's a new skill, so it may feel clunky for a while. I was so exhausted and wrung out that day, I bet my face looked drawn. I told my GP how I felt very vulnerable, as if a tiger in the wild could easily eat me right now - because my defenses are down. No wonder traumatised people just keep that energy stuck in their body - because it feels VERY VULNERABLE after the letting go. I really really get that now!! I also dealt with the email that had triggered me, setting a very clear boundary and that felt good, but it took a lot out of me to do that. 

I went downhill on Thursday night, very vulnerable, exhausted and tender and raw. I was crying in sobs, very teary and weepy, and feeling like I just wanted it to end. I did not even have the energy to connect on here. I did a brief online chat on one of the 24/7 support websites and that helped me calm down and settle a bit.  

Friday was a very rough and raw day. Complete exhaustion. Didn't leave the house (except to get cat food!). But, I realised that I needed to just rest and recover. Previously, I would have pulled myself together and got on with doing things, which would have been a distraction from listening to my body and what it needed.  

Saturday - today. I am feeling a little bit better. But still very tired. So I am listening to my body and just having a cruisey, relaxing day at home.

Your smoothie sounds amazing!!  Take care, dig 

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Eagle Ray and Indigo 🙂 

Yeah, I know the feeling of energy drain too. Especially when I am processing lots of emotion. I hope the smoothie does the trick for lifting your energy, Indigo! 

Eagle Ray - have fun on your trip, sounds great!

Take care, dig