For years I have actually WANTED to be diagnosed with depression

[ann_s]

So here's a weird thing. For years I have actually WANTED to be diagnosed with depression. I have no idea why. It's not because I wanted to understand what was going on (partially yes), I think it's because I've always wanted to feel special in some way and not be like everyone else. So when I went to the doctor and she actually took me seriously I was a bit surprised but relieved. But then I've started looking online at stuff about bi-polar because it sounds much sexier than boring old depression. I also have deliberately not told (many) other people, but have secretly hoped they find out by accident and that this will somehow make what is going on far more serious/significant. Why the hell am I thinking like this? Is there something else wrong with me (you know I'm hoping everyone will say yes don't you... LOL).  Anyway, would be interested to know if anyone else had thoughts like this. I really need to see a psychologist soon.... only a week away.

[Starz]

Hi Ann, Can't say I've felt exactly like this but for me, I know there was something wrong so I was keen to be diagnosed with something so that something was happening, anything to get something happening on the road to change.

So do you feel like there is something wrong (other than wanting something to be wrong)? I'm sure someone with far more experience than I can give you some clearer answers but all I can say is be honest with your psych when you see him/her. You're only cheating yourself if you don't. Tell them you want something to be wrong, they can help you explore the issues if there are any.

[Neil_1]

Hi Ann

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done to you on coming here and posting your thread.  And I've gotta be brutally honest - that I can't say that I've ever heard of this kind of thing before.   But hey, I live a quiet sort of existence, so it wouldn't surprise me if you're not alone with these feelings.  Yeah Neil - that really cleared up things nicely for Ann - good one fella - committed to both sides of the view point.  Sorry Ann for that slight diversion.

Ok, so you've to a psyche appointment next week.  Your first appointment - I was going to suggest to possibly jot some dot points down to take along for you so you can keep the appointment flowing, but maybe you might be ok to just go and unload.

Now when I say "unload" that's usually where the person has so many issues and troubles that they just babble it all out (babble - terrible way of describing - I'm a bit off tonight, sorry).  Ann, may I ask - do you feel you have a background of issues/troubles?  Do you feel that you've experienced (sorry, do you KNOW) that you've experienced or lived some awful things?   And no dramas if you have or haven't - if you have, then that would give plenty of ammo for you to speak to the psyche about.    No dramas if you haven't - because depression can take hold of anyone, at anytime and there really doesn't have to be a reason.

One thing I will mention though - is that any kind of depression is not 'sexy' - although it would have made an interesting spin off for the British band, "Right Said Fred" with their song:   I'm too sexy.   "I'm too sexy for depression" could have roared up the charts if they released that.    Oh and I'm not having a go - that's not my nature - I'm just commenting cause I thought it was an unusual tag you gave it.

Just before I finish, may I ask a couple of questions:   do you work?   And have you a family (partner, children?)  sisters/brothers, etc???  And for any of those that are "yes's", how do you feel about them, etc?

Sorry, quite a decent sized post back to you - hope you managed to stay awake through a bit of it.

Kind regards

Neil

[ann_s]

Thanks Starz and Neil for the replies,

after writing that down I think what is happening is a combination of attention seeking behaviour, finding life extremely boring and wanting anything mildly exciting to happen even if it's bad, self esteem issues and wanting to be more interesting (that's what I meant by "sexy") and also wanting people to take my issues seriously. And yes Starz, I do think part of it is wanting to know what is going on so I can move forward. Welcome to the forums by the way 🙂

To answer Neil's  questions, I haven't had anything bad happen to me. But never felt very close to my parents and never felt like I could talk to them, no brothers and sisters. I have felt what feels like mild depression most of my life, with multiple very bad episodes (mostly severe lack of motivation, crying a lot, feeling unhappy with what I've done with my life etc.). I can remember two or three times where I truly felt happy, wedding day and when I finally graduated uni.

i do work but I get bored in every job I've had. I'm married, no children (by choice). Have been with my partner over 10 years. Has had its ups and downs but generally going well, we still show affection to each other etc. Sometimes I have urges to just cut all ties from everything and everyone and move as far away as possible and begin again.  Again I think this is from feeling bored with life and needing something new and interesting to happen. I play a lot of video games and watch lots of Sci-fi TV/ movies and often wish real life was that interesting. I want to live in an age where I can travel to other planets *stomps foot*.

I sound like I'm about 12 don't I. I'm actually in my mid 30s....

p.s. Neil don't chastise yourself. What you have written is very helpful

p.p.s I already have notes written down. I'd never get through everything otherwise. Once I went to a uni psychologist and she just looked overwhelmed the whole time while I sat there telling her my life story 😄

[sola]

Hey Ann, I don't think it's weird at all, it's just your thing, we are all individuals after all. I actually think this is very interesting, I'd like to know more about your background like Neil.

What is weird any way. People use that term when something is unusual and they don't know anything about.

Don't worry, the psych will work it out for you and your will find out why you are feeling this way.

I hope to hear from you again

Sola

[yesse]

hey ann i felt the same way when i first had depression i felt like i wanted to be labbelled something cause it gave me a bit more depth and made me more interesting and strong to keep up this facade i show to my friends.

but4 years later and i still have it and its the most terrible thing that could have happened to me and ill i want to do is shake it off. 

so if your experience is anything like mine try shake it off as soon as possible because you dont want to teach your mind how to be depressed cause that will leave you stuck in a rut.

[Neil_1]

Hi Ann

Thanx so much for your reply and the information provided.

Oh Ann, that's one of the things that I'm very good at - chastising myself, I don't know how or why, but hey, when you find you're good at something, don't look for ways to stop it.

How is your hubby with your illness - supportive ?   It does sound that way?   With work, that is good firstly that you've got a job and are holding onto it - especially at this current time, and at times, that 'can' be an escape, where you can put on a mask and hide your true identity.  I did that for so many years - but in the end, I've stopped that, because it just wasn't right for me - it was too much pressure to keep doing that.

Mid 30's going on 12 - that sounds fine to me.

I'm late 40's aiming for 28.  Weird huh?  Oh well, as Sola very wisely said, "what IS weird anyway".

Neil