Everyone around me seems to have such optimism and energy

[Madraykin]

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about 4 months ago, although I should've probably been diagnosed 15 years ago (I'm 30, so half my life). It was a relief to know that there was something wrong with me, and that it wasn't just that I couldn't cope with life while everyone else could. 

Four months of therapy and medication, and I'm just as bad as ever. I've tried changing my diet, and exercising as well, but everything seems to be in vain.

I thought once I had a diagnoses, my friends would try to be a little more patient with me. But it's been the opposite. One of them said that if I was on a downward spiral, that I shouldn't take them down with me. This was said in a group, and no-one stepped in. It was like they all just agreed.

It was a complete contrast to a few years ago, when one of our friends found out they had a physical illness. Everyone said they'd do whatever they could for him. But with me, since it's "just all in my head" - it's like it doesn't count.

I feel so alone. I live alone, I go to work (where I barely speak to anyone), I come home and go straight to bed. I just want to shut everything out and sleep.

I've never been this unconfident, unsure of myself. I'm at that age where most of my social circle are getting married, having kids, doing well in their careers, getting promoted, going on amazing adventures. And I feel like I've just let life pass me by, being miserable and cooped up, too afraid of doing something wrong.

I'm terrible in social situations but when I do speak to people, I trip over my words, forget common words, etc. Then in my head I go over and over and OVER what I did wrong and just want to avoid dealing with people at all.

I don't like my job, so I tried to change careers into something else, but I've been told I'm terrible at it. I'm too afraid to try anything new because with most things, I do ok as a beginner, but when you get to the point where you should be starting to go up the learning curve, I drop back and flatline.

I'm getting nowhere with therapy, and the meds aren't working.

I'm tired, exhausted, and worried this will be my future until the end. Everyone around me seems to have such optimism and energy, I want that. I want to have a smile on my face, and wake up and actually want to get out of bed. I'm tired of crying on my drive home from work, and waking up with puffy eyes from crying all night. I'm upset that I've wasted most of my life not really living 😞

[Neil_1]

Dear Madraykin  

Welcome to Beyond Blue and may I say “Well done” to you for coming on this site and providing your post – and unlike your ‘so-called’ friends, we don’t give up on anyone here – we stick with them right through and we’ll offer as much advice and guidance as we possibly can.  Above all, we will support you 100%

You've been to see a GP, yes?   Was this your own GP;  do you feel comfortable with this person?   I ask this because on this site, BB have set up a large list of GP’s all over the place; each of these all specialise in mental health issues. 

They can determine which psyche that they could refer you to – & also have a look at the meds that you’re taking, see if they are suited for what you have and also perhaps just check on the strength of dose that you’re having.  Just a thought – but if you are ok with your GP, I’d potentially be going back and asking for a med review anyway – it might be that they may need to increase the dosage for a little while, just so you can even out a little.  

Ahh, the stigma that IS depression.   Get something physically wrong with you and people fall all over each other trying to help and support – and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but it’s just the evil illness that is depression that the larger majority of the population simply don’t understand – and it really impacts on us even more.  

You have your own place - that's great.  Your own sanctuary where you can go and be safe.   It’s also a very positive thing that you’re still able to get to work – keep on doing this, it’s important – on so many levels.  There’s nothing wrong with continuing to look for alternative work – especially if you’re in a job that you don’t like. 

This is what we see so clearly when we’re struggling – we see others, we see them joke around, having fun – going home to their wives, their families and we think (well a percentage of us think), wow what I would give to be in their shoes. 

But you might well be surprised to hear that a fair proportion of them are struggling – just like you.  Appearances aren’t everything – it’s what’s underneath is usually the driving force behind matters  

I might finish and send this off to you.  I hope that I’ve said even just one thing that might have assisted you – and I do hope to hear back from you.  

Kind regards  

Neil