Having trouble trusting my own head

Starz · ‎30-05-2014

so a bit of background (short I promise!). Just prior to being diagnosed with depression about 7 weeks ago I felt like the whole world was hurting me. Everyone and everything. I was hiding in my closet because that was the place I could go where only my own thoughts were hurting me. It was so painful just to be me that all I could deal with was me. I was having a lot of issues with my partner because it felt like everything he was doing was mean and hurtful when in reality I was so delicate that anything was hurting me.

After starting to take AD's this improved vastly, and for 5 weeks it went well, with one change in medication in there. 2 weeks ago I changed to a 3rd to try to alleviate some side effects. This last week has been a gradual slide back to where I was. But the thing is I didn't realise it until I was way down low again. It is making it hard to trust my own thoughts and reactions as I don't know if what I feel is real hurt or if it is magnified hurt. Does this make any sense?

I am so lucky to have an amazingly supportive partner. But I am finding it hard at the moment, he asks how my head is and I honestly don't feel like I even know. I am questioning myself constantly. Dr has increased my dose of the 3rd AD to see if it was just the dose was too low, she tried an initial small dose to see if it would lesson side effects and I am on day 3 of increased dose.

How do I ever trust how I feel?

white knight · ‎30-05-2014

Dear Starz,

I call it my "roller coaster" I used to have up and down depression and up and down anxiety and up and down moods. So I know all about the ups and downs.

What I know now is that medication combined with counselling and aging lessened the roller coasters. But in the end it was myself that had to come to terms that my roller coaster would never disappear- more like good management was the best key to that door. But that might well be an individual thing.

cheers.

Neil_1 · ‎30-05-2014

Hi Starz

Thank you for providing this post and a bit more of background to what's happening.

Did I read it correctly that you are actually on "three" different kinds of medications?? I didn't call them anti-depressants deliberately because one of the ones I'm on is an anti-anxiety kind of tablet - but what I wanted to say was: "Welcome to the 3-different type of tablet club". It's times like these that we've gotta just reach out for the littlest things that are positives out of this awful situation that we're in.

I am a bit curious though - reading through, you mentioned that after the initial first phase, you felt you were going ok, which for me, would have been "great, let's just leave it at that for a while and see how things develop" but again, if I'm reading this right, you were then put onto another type and then a bit later, yet another type of medication. Is that right? And from that time, you've been on a bit of a slide. I will send this off shortly, because I do want to make sure I'm reading your post correctly.

But if I am, I'd be wanting to check up with your Dr as to why she's continually placing you on more medications - "ESPECIALLY" when as you said, after you'd taken your first one for a while, you were feeling reasonably ok. So I'll send this off in a sec to get your clarification of this.

Just one quick message about your partner - that IS a great thing for how he is for you. That is going to be something that you'll find as a massive boost for you - perhaps something you could help him with for him to become a bit more knowledgeable about your situation - either (a) have a look on this site about the different reading material he could view; and/or (b) if you feel ok with this, he might be able to come along to your next appointment. Out of this, he'll not only learn a whole lot more about this crap illness, but he might find some helpful tips and possible ways to be a positive support for you.

Look forward to hearing back from you Starz

ps: love the name.

Neil

ann_s · ‎30-05-2014

I kinda know how you feel, I think I'm reading too much on the Internet and generally over analysing things. I've been on medication for a bit over 4 weeks and for 4 days this week I started feeling a bit better, but last few days I've been feeling a bit "meh" and unmotivated again. Sometimes I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is real, or I'm expecting to feel a certain way, and/or what is being affected by the medication. Every mental illness I read about sounds all the same now to the point I'm so confused and don't know what the hell I feel anymore. I don't know what to say really either when my partner asks how I'm going. For me personally I think I need to stop reading stuff and try not to think about it too much because it's becoming a bit obsessive,

not sure what to suggest, other than to let you know you aren't the only one who doesn't trust their own head!

Neil_1 · ‎31-05-2014

Hi Starz

I did writ you last nite, but at this time it hasn't turned up. Just wanted to let you know that there should be one coming to you soon. I've got about 3 or 4 messages taxi-ing on the Beyond Blue runway, awaiting take off.

Neil

Starz · ‎01-06-2014

Hey Neil, only on one med atm, it's the 3rd one we are trying. First was an SSRI, next was an SNRI and this 3rd is also an SNRI which has just had the does increased. The first one was great, although I only stayed on it for 10 days as it completely killed sex drive and bed became kinda boring! Although I have to say, I would take that over what I have had previously, Ironic that finally my head was in a place where sex was a good thing, but my body was all meh whatever.

So we're trying different medications to see if we can get both the head straight AND no unsexy side effects. Having spoken to a couple of other people this seems like a pretty common side effect.

I really appreciate thew support here and it's good to know I am not the only one Ann. I think I just need to go with the flow for a bit and let this medication run without analysing everything. Like Ann I get to the point where I have no idea if I am good, bad or otherwise! When I look at it logically I think well I am no longer hiding in the wardrobe, that's got to be a good thing ...