Hi, i'm Anita and I'm writing this because l don't know what else to do.
I'm not sure if any of this is real or a desperate and pathetic cry for
attention, either way l feel this is something that will help me. I
can't really remember when it started...
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Hi, i'm Anita and I'm writing this because l don't know what else to do.
I'm not sure if any of this is real or a desperate and pathetic cry for
attention, either way l feel this is something that will help me. I
can't really remember when it started ( l don't remember things well,
especially events that hurt me somehow ) but l remember feeling so alone
and really, really wanting to end my life. I think it was in year 8. And
l think it had partly something to do with bullying, can't be sure. The
next 'round' l remember was when my grandparents were staying with my
family and l for half a year. We live in a really cramped apartment and
l remember losing control of everything and feeling as if everything was
crashing down on me. And feelings from year 8 started to emerge again.
But things started to look up when, sorry for the stupid cheesiness of
this, but l fell madly in love with this boy and vise versa. But, within
a week he was out of my life comepletely and l lost it. Not because l
loved him, but because the day he left was also the day, l cant remember
but something bad happened with my family. I couldn't handle it and fell
into a deep, deep, deep pit. THis time was different, l couldn't feel
anything, everything was numb, so, so numb. This only thing l could feel
was physical pain, l think l tried to self harm but l didn't go through
with it. I couldn't stop crying, for no reason at all (l wasn't sad or
angry, just numb). This round lasted longer than the last and was much,
much more intense. I think l called a hotline when l was getting better,
and that helped I recommend people do it, the staff and really friendly
and it helps a lot Not many people knew about any of this, l only told
one person, whom i've cut off relations with since for other reasons.
Other people would have never suspected anything as l was the happiest
kid in school. I was known for being constantly happy, smiling and
laughing. All of which wasn't fake. I just never seemed to be able to be
sad when l was arround people. More recently, l lost self esteem little
by little and just felt so lost. I never really felt like a fitted in.
Even with my 'best friend' l still felt as if l had to pretend. Noticing
small things like these took a huge toll and soon couldn't get rid of
the feeling of feelling absolutely inadequet and just so worthless.
Having 'perfect specimens of beauty, smartness and humanity' friends
didn't help either. I could no longer hide like l used to. Tiny things
like someone talking about depression or walking into a room and people
acting as if l was invisible (which ironically is my greatest fear)
would trigger day long bouts of uncontrolable crying, not being able to
look at people. But l still felt happiness in the rare moments l wasn't
noticing how my ex could stop looking at be 'best friend'. A couple of
weeks ago l started year 12, and l haven't been able to shake the
feeling of l don't even know. Shame? confusion? numbness? l don't live
for anything, l don't look forward to the future (l ruin everything and
everyone around me) Currently, this very second l don't want to die, but
l know l did before as that was what promted me to write this, l don't
want to be like this. It's controlling me, I used to be so happy and l
would laugh and do stupid shit. L would laugh as the stupidest things,
but l can't know. Everytime l let my guard down and laugh or someting l
feel this huge gust and l literally feel as if im snapping back to
reality, and l stop, because l say to myselt, 'laughing isn't for people
like you, you don't deserve to laugh'. I don't know what to do. I have
no motivation to do well in the most important year of schooling so far,
and l can't even talk to my friends anymore. I avoid facebook as l find
it so hard to pretend im alright and normal, chatting to people. I
hardly post anything because l don't want to be judged. And when l do, l
want to take it down as l can't deal with it. I FF****************KKKkk.
I can't , l just. I don't know anymore. Theres a lot l haven't
mentioned, l just wrote whatever came into my head. I think, l hope,
somehow that someone will read this and tell me that im going to be ok
and not to kill myself and that im beautiful and sh*t. Its like a part
of me knows ill be alright and shit, but when l leave the solace of my
mind and into the real world. everything comes crashing down on me
again. Anyways, if you've read all this, thanks Thank you l don't know
what else to say so i'm posting it now.