Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

The last few months have been somewhat confusing as I have discovered more about my mental / physical health and how it has all been connected. I had not put the pieces together, I am not sure why, it seems so obvious now.

I have dealt with Dysthymia since about 12 and Major Depression since about 14 but was not diagnosed until my 40s and had no idea that had been the problem all along. I knew I wasn't like everyone else but thought I was just born that way. Back then mental health was not a subject that was openly discussed and the signs mostly went unrecognised and untreated. I had about 10 years of talk therapy with a social worker that helped immensely.

I have had a sensitive digestive system for a good portion of my life, not so much that I sought treatment, just things like indigestion with certain foods, bloating and the like. I suppose I thought everyone had those types of issues.

I have also had nervous system reactions over the past 15 years, like involuntary shaking in certain situations, that I had put down to getting older and being less resilient having been through a lot of difficult challenges.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist who also does somatic work (turns out you were right mmmekitty, I did need some more help). The first session of somatic work, in this case EFT (tapping), brought up a deep and long standing belief that I did not deserve to be helped. The emotions were buried so deep that I was not even aware of them. After that session things went haywire physically for a few days and took some weeks to start to settle.

Being the type of person who needs to have an understanding of what is happening and why, I have been reading many books on the symptoms I have had. That is when I began to join the dots about how interconnected by mental and physical health actually were. It has required a lot of processing on my part, and an acknowledgement of what I have been consciously unaware of, but it has been necessary to finding a way forward. This will be an ongoing journey as new symptoms show up that need to be looked at.

I know now that there is a lot of unreleased trauma in my body that is a contributing factor in not healing mentally or physically and I know now what needs to be done to improve. There is only so much that the medical profession can do, I believe the rest of the responsibility lies with us in digging deeper to find the causes and the answers. In many ways, that in itself becomes empowering.

Take care all.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Croix and Indigo,

I am a bit worried about not knowing my long term living arrangements with regard to a pet. I have to admit, I also worry that I'm really a bit of a mess with my mental health at present, and I know pets are meant to be good for improving our mental health, which they are, but I do worry about how I impact them as well if I am really struggling. Pets definitely feel our stuff. But I do think the connection itself is what is healing. The thought of having a furry companion is very appealing. I do look through the dog shelter places from time to time and sometimes the cat place too. I have more of a dog-like personality and so I feel the deepest kinship with dogs, but I still love cats too and have done so the more I have spent time with them.

I completely understand it taking 40 years for some things to surface and be coped with. Trauma is definitely like that and I think it naturally emerges when our brain and nervous system sense we might be able to process it. I am now 51 and the stuff coming up for me at present is from birth to young childhood. This particular stuff only started to surface a year ago. It's coming in flashbacks of somatic memories. I had complete blackouts for some of these things. I have been piecing things together from what I am feeling in my body as it remembers through to what others, including relatives, have told me. I agree with you about conventional CBT. I found that absolutely useless for anything trauma-related. It tries to engage a person in cognitive-restructuring, when the very part of the brain required to do that is offline because of the trauma. That, in itself, creates a really painful, completely unhelpful dissonance. The EMDR took me into deeply traumatised states and reactivated the original shock and terror mechanisms while doing nothing to resolve them. I still wake in terror with extreme adrenaline surges every morning more than 9 months since the treatment. Prior to the EMDR that was not happening. At least the terror subsides after a while now, whereas before it was constant. So I think every single trauma survivor has to be so careful about what they allow any practitioner to do with them, and every single approach must be done slowly and carefully, and only if it is suitable for that client and their presentation. But, understandably, we trust practitioners because we think they have the expertise, but we actually have the greatest expertise about our own bodies and the approach taken should always start from where the client is at. My therapist does really understand now and is a very kind person so that, at least, is healing and it is really that relational support and connectivity that is the most healing thing anyway. I'm really sorry you went through the bad reactions too with the CBT. I hope that is all behind you now. You are such a kind soul, deserving of peace.

And Indigo, you are such a kind soul too looking after multiple felines in need of a home. I hope all is going well with Puddin and Checkers and now Neon and Trinity. I imagine it's a bit busy managing them as you establish routines and deal with any issues that arise as they adjust to being there and to one another. I hope you are really enjoying the new balls of fur 😻

Take care both and have a peaceful evening 🤗

Hugs,

ER

[Croix]

Dear ER and Indigo

Indigo thanks for the reference, I've has a lot to try to fix this last couple of days and have not time to look at it yet - It does sound interesting.

I would think -apart from moving house - that an awful lot depends upon the temperament of the pet. Fluffycay was laid back and accepted you in however you felt, it did not seem from what you said that Fluffycat was perturbed by how you behaved.

Might I suggest that if one puts practical things to one side -like a fence to keep a dog off the road - that it is a question of temperament rather than dog vs cat.

As for waking up with the terrors, I've no real suggestions. Mine dissipated over the years and the medication I've been on for the last 10 years (a mild hallucinogenic with an old fashioned A/D )  has been exactly what I needed. Now it is merely nightmares, not full blown re-living with all the extreme fright that went with it.

I can to some extent forestalls nightmares as they seem to occur as I wake up naturally, using an alarm to wake me prematurely does seem to cut thier frequency down.

Croix

[indigo22]

Hi ER and Croix,

I firstly just want to say that I am so sorry that you both have had to deal with night terrors, flashbacks and  nightmares. I have unsettling dreams on occasion, but haven't had nightmares since I was a child. I do remember the terror when I woke from a persistent recurring nightmare (which I believe was a trauma memory from a past life) but I had someone there to reassure me that I was ok. Dealing with that alone must be difficult at best. I am wondering if those are some of the times when you reach out to the helplines ER, I know you have said they have helped you to bring the fear level down somewhat. I really feel for you both.

I have to say that initially I thought I had made a mistake bringing the girls into the mix, but not now. Trinity just wants to be friends with everyone but the older ones have had a hissing, spitting and growling fest for the first couple of days. But as I write this, Checkers has come back into the lounge room and is sitting in one of his favourite hiding spots that he used when he first came here so I actually do think it is helping him. Last night I had the girls and Puddin on the bed with me for the whole night without fighting. I will know I have made progress when Checkers feels it is safe to join us on the bed. Neon is the worst offender at the moment as she spits when the others get too close but I am gradually getting her to stop so things are a bit more settled today.

In her defense though, they told me she was one of their longest inhabitants so I think she needs a bit of time to adjust. Neon is very loving with me but feels the need to follow me (for safety reasons I think) which I think will ease with time. I have Trinity asleep on my lap at the moment and she is just a lovely young cat. She is only a year old and has already been a mother. I think she has a bit of Siamese in her, she has quite large ears for her size and is very slight and slim only weighing under 3kg. She talks incessantly when she is awake which is a trait of Siamese also. Mealtimes are very interesting to say the least with this mob. Checkers is booked in for Thursday morning so I should have some interesting things to tell you afterwards.

Hoping you both are having a good weekend,

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Croix]

Unlike Trinity, and we have had Seal Point Siamese in the past who have an awful lot to say for themselves, Sumo Cat looks looks like a chocolate point Siamese but is much larger and has little to say apart from the occasional order, e.g.:

'Where is my snack?"

"Open the door, I wish to observe the outside"

"That is the wrong door! Get it right!"

"Don't move your feet when I'm comfortable on the bed"

He probably complains to Foxy dog about the quality of his servants.

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Hello indigo and Croix,

indigo, I'm glad things seem to be working out with the cats even if it looked a little shaky at first. How lovely to have Trinity asleep with you. It does sound like there are just a few understandable adjustment issues that will iron themselves out in time. With the house filling up with others it might be just what Checkers needs - the sense of a family around him. I think that sense of relationally can be so important and can be very settling once it all starts to feel increasingly safe. And hopefully for Neon too she will soon feel quite used to the new arrangements which would initially feel odd after being outside of a home context for so long.

I looked at the Cat Haven website tonight and then another dog adoption site. It's funny how you gravitate to certain ones isn't it. I think just like with humans, we naturally feel drawn to animals where something just feels it connects. In about my first year here I did come very close to meeting a dog for potential adoption who I felt a strong connection with just from the photo and rang the place, only to find some people were there at that exact time meeting her and she went home with them. She was a chocolate brown staffy cross with such a gentle and wise face. Croix, I think you are right, that it's most about temperament with regarding to finding a pet who is the right fit, where there is just that sense of belonging and connection with one another. Still not sure if it's right to get a pet just yet, but we'll see.

With regard to the terrors, my main issue at the moment is not nightmares, even though I still get those sometimes. I can actually be in quite a pleasant dream and then it is in the first few seconds of waking up that the terror/adrenaline surges. It doesn't respond to regular grounding techniques and is extremely intense. This seems to be linked to specific very early traumas, starting with a traumatic birth followed by isolation and abandonment, and then other awful things that happened a bit later but still when very small. It's like waking up itself is the trigger and going immediately into an orienting and survival response. The EMDR put me right back into this primal state. It's so early in my neurodevelopment it's very embedded. My mother told me about some of the things, then I have bits and pieces from others more recently relating to extended family, and then I have the weird somatic reliving of those states which has really come to the fore since my dissociative system emerged. With my mother it was weird because she told me those things, including things she did to me that were highly neglectful, before switching off into another world in herself. I have absolutely no doubt now that she also had DID because she said several times that she had conversations in her head and she had severe dissociative blanks. I thought she meant the general internal dialogue people generally have and never imagined then it was DID. Looking back the diagnosis fits in terms of her behaviour. Anyway, I take some hope from the fact the terror episodes start to subside after a while now instead of relentlessly persisting.

Wishing Checkers well for Thursday. Pats to all the cats indigo, and pats to Sumo and Foxy dog Croix. And hugs to both of you, ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER and Croix,

Just a quick note to say the session with Checkers went really well today. Will tell you all about it in a couple of days when things have settled, I realised today that Trinity has come down with cat flu and is not eating or drinking so I need to give her my attention at present. Calling the shelter in the morning and will book in with the vet for tomorrow. Poor little girl looks miserable 😿.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear indigo and Croix,

indigo, I'm really glad that the sessions with Checkers went really well. I look forward to hearing about it. Poor little Trinity. I hope she is doing ok and that you've had a helpful appointment with the vet, if you've been already. Thinking of you and the cats 🐱💕

[Croix]

Dear Indigo and ER (and Paws if looking)~

I hope Trinity gets better soon, pets can be a worry.

I found that looking on line did not really help. We always use the RSPCA or equivalent and they have thier own sites, however the images of the dogs and cats are a bit misleading. walking down an aisle with them right there is a very different expereince, as as takng one out into the trial yard.

I've given up believing written descriptions, even the number of shots given does not point out they need to be followed up quickly wiht more - expensive ones, and descriptions of character like "cat friendly" are there to place the dog with some distance from the facts.

I do think a puppy is going to be a lot of work, when house training the washing machine will probably work overtime and the energy one needs to keep up is pretty demanding.

Mrs C and I have decided the next pair will prefer snoozing to gallivanting around, which probably means older pets. We would not just give up as we both believe bossy pets who know there own minds fill a  building and make it a home.

There are many a time I'd  feel like doing anything, just siting or lying , however responsibility is is a great motivator. It is also good to feel protected when a stranger approaching the door brings on barking.

Foxy and Sumo appreciate the pats

Croix

[indigo22]

Hi ER and Croix,

Well the past 2 weeks have been a bit of a journey but things are starting to get better. I have changed the names of the girls, I couldn’t keep their names in my head I think because they didn't seem like the right names for them. Neon is now Nimue (nim-oo-way) (Nimue was the Lady of the Lake in Avalon) and Trinity is now Pixie (she just has a pixie look about her with her small slender body and big pointy ears) and they are taking to the new names quite easily.

Nimue had conjunctivitis, then as you know Pixie came down with cat flu. I am glad to say they are both doing much better and Pixie is now eating and drinking again plus she is back to her chatty self. A couple of days ago I had an itchy spot on my arm and on closer examination realised it was ringworm. No idea which one has it but they are all possibly affected to some degree by now. I contacted a pet naturopath who said this is usually due to a lowered immune system so the boys should be able to fight it off as they have been on a healthy diet and supplements since they have been here, just need to build up the girls now. They have all been on lousy diets so building their immune system will take some time, but we'll get there. Checkers skin and coat is looking a lot better which tells me things are working. About 2 or 3 days after the girls arrived, Checkers left his cardboard box and is spending all his time in the lounge room again in one of his favourite spots on what I like to call his perch. It is a cat tree and he likes to be on the top section and catch the sun rays and see what is going on in the bushes that are in front of the window.

To be continued

[indigo22]

I have such a lot to tell you about the Communication and the after effects. Checkers communicated that he feels the need to be in control and his constant grooming is something he has control over. He said he needs me to go slow with him and he said thank you for letting him have that spot in the lounge to himself. He said he likes my voice as he finds it soothing and likes that the environment is quiet. He said he is still getting used to the others but didn't seem to have any objections and is more of an observer at present. He said the reason he got so angry when I put him in the carrier is that he had no idea what was going on or what was going to happen and is very uncomfortable in an enclosed space with a roof. That’s why he took to his cardboard box, because it was open and could jump in and out at will.

She did a Scalar Wave healing on him after we ended our session and he melted into a deep relaxation for hours. It also seemed to ripple out to the others as they were all really chilled and the girls were even snuggled together in my armchair until it was time to eat. I gave me a glimpse of the harmony that we can work toward.

So many small changes have happened since that day. She mentioned getting him a cushion or blanket in green like the foliage he looks out on as that would be soothing for him. I found both a small blanket and a round cushion and put them on the cat tree for him and he loved it. I also bought a memory foam pad for Puddin for a spot that he likes to lay on the floor in the lounge so he would be more comfy. The following day, Checkers disappeared from his perch and didn't come when I called him to get some food in the afternoon. I looked in all of his favourite spots but couldn't find him. I just couldn't figure out what was going on with him until my intuition kicked in and I looked on the pad I had put down for Puddin and there he was, totally stealing Puddins' spot the little ratbag. He now alternates between the two places and Puddin is back to sleeping on the floor or going off to sleep on the bed.

The next day I watched as Checkers gave his head a neck a massage on what is called a Wellness Centre I had bought for Guinevere. It has different areas with ridges and soft spikes to rub against and he was really enjoying it, I have not seen him use it before so it was a further sign of progress. Puddin has used it a couple of times and a couple of hours later went over to it, smelled Checkers scent on it and proceeded to wee on it 😂. I couldn't believe it, I am pretty sure that was Puddins' revenge. The next day I noticed that Checkers was on his perch and Pixie was on the cushion right next to him. They were both sleeping and Checkers got up to have a stretch and looked right at her and didn't react at all until she started using the scratching pole next to her at which point he hissed at her as if to say "you can stay there as long as you don't bother me"😂. This morning they all ate their breakfast in peace all just a few inches away from each other, we are finding our harmony which is lovely to see and experience.

I hope you are both having a good week.
Hugs,
indigo 💜