Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

The last few months have been somewhat confusing as I have discovered more about my mental / physical health and how it has all been connected. I had not put the pieces together, I am not sure why, it seems so obvious now.

I have dealt with Dysthymia since about 12 and Major Depression since about 14 but was not diagnosed until my 40s and had no idea that had been the problem all along. I knew I wasn't like everyone else but thought I was just born that way. Back then mental health was not a subject that was openly discussed and the signs mostly went unrecognised and untreated. I had about 10 years of talk therapy with a social worker that helped immensely.

I have had a sensitive digestive system for a good portion of my life, not so much that I sought treatment, just things like indigestion with certain foods, bloating and the like. I suppose I thought everyone had those types of issues.

I have also had nervous system reactions over the past 15 years, like involuntary shaking in certain situations, that I had put down to getting older and being less resilient having been through a lot of difficult challenges.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist who also does somatic work (turns out you were right mmmekitty, I did need some more help). The first session of somatic work, in this case EFT (tapping), brought up a deep and long standing belief that I did not deserve to be helped. The emotions were buried so deep that I was not even aware of them. After that session things went haywire physically for a few days and took some weeks to start to settle.

Being the type of person who needs to have an understanding of what is happening and why, I have been reading many books on the symptoms I have had. That is when I began to join the dots about how interconnected by mental and physical health actually were. It has required a lot of processing on my part, and an acknowledgement of what I have been consciously unaware of, but it has been necessary to finding a way forward. This will be an ongoing journey as new symptoms show up that need to be looked at.

I know now that there is a lot of unreleased trauma in my body that is a contributing factor in not healing mentally or physically and I know now what needs to be done to improve. There is only so much that the medical profession can do, I believe the rest of the responsibility lies with us in digging deeper to find the causes and the answers. In many ways, that in itself becomes empowering.

Take care all.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. I got the bit about the Himalayas being seen from New Delhi wrong. I just looked it up. It was not from New Delhi but a place called Jalandhar where they are normally invisible because of pollution and residents got to see them for the first time.

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

Wow that must have been an amazing novelty to see the mountains for the first time. Goes to show just how much we have abused our planet, covid opened a lot of peoples eyes I think.

I am so sorry to hear about fluffy cat, I know how much you enjoyed her company and naps with her. Dear little girl, I hope she is happily chasing butterflies wherever she is. One of my cats had congestive heart failure which was difficult to watch and I would have to carry her to her food, water and litter as she would cough when she exerted herself. I know you are very sensitive so be aware when you are lying down, you may feel something that feels like her jumping up next to you. I have had that experience on my bed on a number of occasions with my cats that have passed. It is quite comforting when it happens. I hope I will be a good cat mum to the boys, older cats can take a bit of time to adjust but I just need to let them find their way in their own time.

So how has it been with your psych, have you been able to heal the rift to a degree? I hope your emotions are beginning to settle after the bowen therapy, I must investigate that when I go to see the naturopath (not sure when that will be at the moment but I will get there).

My gut has been improving since I have been on the organic produce, I feel more convinced now than ever that I am sensitive to the sprays they use. It's not 100% yet, but it is getting better over time. There are going to be some things that I can't buy organic, but if they are minimised to a small amount I think my body will cope.

I am about to make a brown rice pasta with chickpeas, mushrooms, silverbeet and pak choy for dinner so I had better get cooking.

I hope you have had a restful weekend, will chat again soon.

Warm hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo,

Thank you about fluffy cat. Yes, she was such a dear little girl, but I feel like she's still here really. I feel a sense of peace in her and that she is quite happy and content. I'm not quite sure of the kind of heart issue she had, but it also affected her legs somehow as she had some paralysis. But she was pretty well and living her normal life right up until it happened. Even though I wasn't her official cat mum, I felt a sense of real connection with her. Where my heart strings really get pulled is seeing a photo of her I took where she was sitting in the hallway, in that perfect way cats do, watching the sunset through the open door. She was really one to commune with nature and I used to feel that she was communicating with things others couldn't see. Sometimes at night she wanted to go out into the courtyard and would meow at things in the dark. I'm glad you will soon have your bundles of fur. They are such a lovely presence to have around.

It has been fine with my psych and, yes, all is healed. I raised all the concerns I had with her and we worked through them. I did feel unsafe after the EMDR going wrong but from what I've read it is not unusual for people to have those adverse effects of flooding and retraumatisation where there is a dissociative disorder present, or complex trauma with dissociation, and the right precautions haven't been taken. It's so critical that all practitioners screen for dissociative disorders with every client and make very careful modifications and additional preparation, but it doesn't seem to be commonly or comprehensively taught. Things are fine now though and we are powering into dealing with the dissociative disorder with me mainly needing co-regulation for the emerging parts and how to deal with them. At first it seemed it was OSDD1b, but the more parts that emerge that I realise now were always present but I had amnesia for, it is looking more like DID, or at least partial DID, though I do usually retain some co-consciousness with the parts (but have less co-consciousness than I thought at times). Tracing back to my childhood, I now understand all the times it felt like something else took me over, I blanked out, I couldn't explain to others something I'd done, I couldn't follow teachers at school or bosses in workplaces etc. I just felt chronically lost and confused. Now I can even see which part was doing what in many instances from my life as they have emerged into full consciousness, and I can see what age they split off at and in relation to which trauma. It is putting a puzzle together. The way my internal system has worked so hard to protect me and is working together now is amazing, even though it is presenting challenges and the resurfacing of traumatic material for healing and resolution. My psych is very kind and empathetic with the parts which helps my system greatly. There are 8 core parts other than me - baby, toddler, child, teenager and four adults of varying ages. Other occasional parts have appeared but are not part of the main group who are present daily. Actually, there is a dog too who is closest with my 9 year old part.

I'm really glad your gut is improving since you've had the organic produce. It is quite likely you are sensitive to the sprays. I do feel that organic produce is often more nutrient rich too. Yesterday I bought some organic kale from a new store in a nearby town and it's truly the yummiest, best quality kale I've ever had. It just looked beautiful and I had to buy it. It was picked at an earlier stage than what is usually in the supermarkets and cost only 50c more than the supermarket version usually does. It was still a large bunch but of many smaller leaves.

Your dinner sounds so delicious and healthy. I was very happy with a salad I made tonight which consisted of kale, quinoa, dried cranberries, lemon zest, lemon juice and olive oil. I think it would have been better again with some herbs such as parsley or coriander.

I hope you have had a restful weekend too and, yes, speak soon 😊💖

Hugs,

ER

[Croix]

Dear Indigo and ER~

It's been a while since I spoke whth you, mainly due to system failure which no longer lets me know where I have been or where those I follow, such as you two, are. Still today I searched for you both and found amongst other tihngs you were talking about cats and dogs.

I'm sorry Fluffy Cat has passed away, it was a great comfort to you in difficult times and a joy when things were good. I hope you consider a on of oyur own, memories are good, but I do not find them a complete substitute.

Some people have theTV on for company, I have always had some sort of animal, as far back as I can remember (no not dinosaurs!). I remeber white rabbits with red eyes, and numerous cats and dogs, not to mention the odd bad tempered hamster. Bad temper too in wallabies.

The thing is none were static ,and even the ones that thought life consisted of one long snooze had their own individual characters which rounded out a house to being a home.

Some even had a sense of humor. One litle white fluffy dog used to rattle along with it's claws on our wooden floors, but occasionaly managed to sneak along silently until right behind Mrs C, then give one loud YAP! He would then sit upright on his haunches and grin so hard his nose would wrinkle up and he'd sneeze. Mrs C nearly has a heart attack each time and I regret exclaimed Je.... Cr....! each time. This became the dog's name, not very PC but appropriate.

Nowadays I have Sumo Cat, who since I spent time away several times in hospital this  year has become less dignified and more friendly, managing to insert himself upside-down in the gap between me and the chair arm while I'm typing. A great comfort, though I have to cover part of the keyboard to stop it filling with hair.

All have come from the pound, based on the principal even a few short years of their being spoiled rotten is worth the heart-ache when they pass.

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Croix and indigo,

Thank you for your condolences re: Fluffy Cat, Croix. I dearly loved the little fluff ball. I'm glad earlier this year that I made some videos of her on my phone. She had her own cat lead and I could take her for walks around the neighbourhood. So the videos are of her walking along the footpath, listening to the sounds around her and watching everything. I knew whenever she wanted to go out for a walk, because she would orient to the front door or the front gate in a hopeful way, glancing back at me, hoping I'll notice and take her out. Then when I brought out the cat lead she would slip into it easily, super keen to go for walkies. Sometimes walks would also involve her plonking herself down in a spot where she just wanted to commune with nature and the surroundings for a while. This encouraged me to slow down, stop and absorb the surroundings too. It was quite meditative. I feel like I learned a lot from Fluffy Cat who always seemed very wise.

I loved hearing about Sumo inserting himself upside down in the gap between you and the chair arm 😂 It's so lovely how he is being more friendly and less aloof in his feline dignity. Animals are amazing how they pick up on what is happening with us, including our vulnerability if we have been unwell or away for a while. And JC the dog sounds hilarious 🤣 Pets really are non-stop entertainment. It sounds like he was playing a game and he knew exactly what he was doing, sneaky fur ball 😆 I think it is lovely that you have been giving pets a home who were in the pound and in need of love and being spoiled.

Your comment about dinosaurs made me laugh because I immediately imagined having a pet stegosaurus. The stegosaurus was always my favourite dinosaur as a kid. I thought they were cute, based on a toy stegosaurus my brother had. They were pretty huge though, but smaller in my imagination.

I certainly think it would be helpful for me to have a pet but I'm a bit uncertain of my future at the moment, and do have plans to move from here at some point, quite possibly interstate. If I felt settled here, then getting a pet would definitely be happening I think. However, I am very unsettled and if I leave here I will probably be living in a smaller unit, as in possibly very small, so would have to think about the kinds of pets I could have. What I may do a bit in the future is petsitting and get some animal time that way, but I know that isn't the same as having your own in your own home. 

indigo, I hope things are going well, and that you are getting the things done you want to do before the senior cats arrive. I'm sure you will be a wonderful cat mum. It will be interesting to see how the two feline fellows go with each other. It can be really nice for them to have the extra company of another cat. I think all of us, humans and animals, benefit from companionship, just knowing there are others around. Yesterday I met a Bobtail Lizard when I went to check my mailbox. He or she did not seem bothered by me at all and was cute. It's warming up so they are out and about. Just seeing other creatures helps me a lot.

I hope you are both having a lovely day. It's beautiful and sunny here ☀️

Hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

Sorry to have been away for so long, I hope you have been travelling ok.

I will elaborate when I am on my computer (I don't like using my phone for longer messages, it's all a bit small both for seeing and typing 😉.

Saw the naturopath today and among other things she picked up from my recent blood tests is underactive thyroid and a few below optimal vitamins and minerals. So feel like I am making some progress thank goodness. I like my doctor but they don't tend to think outside the box. A number of things I mentioned to him, he brushed aside but they were brought up today with the naturopath.

Also wanted to let you know my fur friends are here. The 13yo joined me on Saturday and we had a few moments where he was unsure he could trust me and I got growled at 😄. He was a bit more relaxed on Sunday but the 10 yo joined us on Sunday afternoon and there has been tension ever since. I am glad to say we turned a corner tonight. I am sitting in my armchair with a cat either side sleeping on the arms. One is underweight and boney, the other is overweight and big boned. I have some work to do getting them to their correct proportions. I think we are all going to get along, although I had some doubts in the past couple of days.

Will talk again soon, sleep well ER.

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo,

That's good the naturopath was able to pick up those things. I too found the naturopath identified things that were not considered by the GP or specialist I was seeing. I know they do different kinds of testing, including for thyroid, which is not the standard testing done at the GP. I really hope for you now that with the new insights, there will be a way forward that really improves things for you. It's a good feeling when you feel like you're finally getting somewhere and something can actually be done to improve health and well-being.

And how lovely that you have your fur friends there 🐱🐱💖 I'm glad the initial tension seems to be subsiding. It sounds like an adjustment phase, but that they are already starting to feel at home. I love that each one of them was sleeping on the arms of the chair. With them being older cats, it makes me think of two old men who are put in the same house together where, at first, they are a little bit grumpy about it, but then they discover they are friends, even if they act a bit aloof and pretend to be a bit indifferent (a bit like Croix's Sumo 😂). I look forward to hearing about what they get up to and the characters you see emerge in them. It will be lovely getting to know them and I'm sure it's lovely to have those fur friends around.

Take care and warm hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I have been wanting to get back to you for the past few days but life is still throwing lemons at me and I am doing my best to figure out what to do with them all. We had a storm with high winds a couple of weeks back and the facia board on my verandah came loose. The wood had become rotten over the years and is now drooping at the end that has my house electrical wiring attached. I managed to put 3 octopus straps up but they won't help if there is another high wind. Then the aged care provider I have been going through made some changes and without notice, told me they could no longer help me. Aged Care only gave me 2 providers and the other has a 6 month wait list. So I have had to do my own investigating to find somewhere that can help me which I think I may have found today, keeping my fingers crossed. Aged Care is completely nonsensical and a very difficult area to navigate, I would hate to be an 80yo trying to navigate it.

The naturopath has two supplements for me, one for the thyroid (which I now have) and one for the general deficiencies (which I will get when I have the funds). She also wants me to make kefir to sort out my gut issues and now have the grains for coconut water kefir and coconut milk kefir and will get them going in the next couple of days. She also wants a blood test for my copper levels which have not been tested and I asked my doctor if he could add that to my follow up for the iron and zinc but he said he could not see anything in my history to warrant ordering it. So I have two tests to do for the naturopath privately, the copper blood test and a hair analysis to check mineral balance and heavy metals when I can afford to do them. I showed my doctor a list of what I felt could be possibilities when I was there last and he pretty much brushed them aside. One of them was hormones and another was heavy metals both of which the naturopath has talked about. It just reminds me why I have always preferred naturopaths to doctors, they just don't seem to be able to think outside the box. I am just relieved to be getting to the bottom of my issues and looking forward to gradually getting better and having some energy again.

To be continued...

[indigo22]

it said I was over the character count (which I wasn't) so had to send a second message.

The boys are mostly getting along, the occasional hissy fit but nothing major. I will do my best to describe them. The 13yo is a medium hair moggy similar size to my girl but very bony, he has already started to put on some weight but still a long way to go. He is a hotch potch of white and black with a large area of dark brown on his back and his name is Checkers. He was a handful for a few days but I feel he is more trusting of me now and is more relaxed. He mostly spends his time eating and sleeping, finding his favourite places to hang out and I rarely get a cuddle but that's okay, come winter he will want cuddles for sure.

The 10yo is a Ragdoll/Burmese cross with thick short coat of cream with milk chocolate tabby points and pale blue eyes and his name is Puddin'. He is a big boy and is carrying a bit more weight than he should be so trying to ignore his constant nagging for food (he is definitely not being starved, he is just a bit of a guts when it comes to food) He hid from us for the first 24 hours and I just left him alone to adjust. I knew which room he was hiding in and went looking for him the next day and he finally came out and let me pick him up. I put him on the bed that night and he has slept beside me every night since. I don't get cuddles from him either at the moment. He was very tentative for the first few days but has since come out of his shell, follows me around (especially at food time) and is a bit of a character. He approached Checkers and touched noses with him, a second or two later Checkers gave him a swift clip around the ears (as if to say, that's enough of that, I have a reputation to uphold ) Checkers is only about two thirds his size, but definitely thinks he's the boss. They had a bit of a stand off last night both growling, I felt like a mother trying to break up an escalating disagreement between siblings. I think we have made good progress given it's not even 2 weeks yet. Life is never dull with animals.

My roses are blooming like crazy, we have had the perfect weather for them, lots of rain interspersed with sunny days. I have only had to water them a few times so far. It's so lovely to look out my bedroom window to all those blooms in different colours.

Please fill me in on how you are and what's been happening with you when you get a chance.

Hugs,

indigo💜

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear indigo,

I’m just seeing your posts and it’s lovely to hear your news, though not the not good bits. I just want to let you know I’m going to reply to you in the morning. I have a sharp toothache which is increasingly affecting my ability to concentrate, so I’m hoping things will be better tomorrow and I can give you a better reply. I’m actually in Melbourne at the moment.

Take care and I’ll be in touch soon 💖