Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

The last few months have been somewhat confusing as I have discovered more about my mental / physical health and how it has all been connected. I had not put the pieces together, I am not sure why, it seems so obvious now.

I have dealt with Dysthymia since about 12 and Major Depression since about 14 but was not diagnosed until my 40s and had no idea that had been the problem all along. I knew I wasn't like everyone else but thought I was just born that way. Back then mental health was not a subject that was openly discussed and the signs mostly went unrecognised and untreated. I had about 10 years of talk therapy with a social worker that helped immensely.

I have had a sensitive digestive system for a good portion of my life, not so much that I sought treatment, just things like indigestion with certain foods, bloating and the like. I suppose I thought everyone had those types of issues.

I have also had nervous system reactions over the past 15 years, like involuntary shaking in certain situations, that I had put down to getting older and being less resilient having been through a lot of difficult challenges.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist who also does somatic work (turns out you were right mmmekitty, I did need some more help). The first session of somatic work, in this case EFT (tapping), brought up a deep and long standing belief that I did not deserve to be helped. The emotions were buried so deep that I was not even aware of them. After that session things went haywire physically for a few days and took some weeks to start to settle.

Being the type of person who needs to have an understanding of what is happening and why, I have been reading many books on the symptoms I have had. That is when I began to join the dots about how interconnected by mental and physical health actually were. It has required a lot of processing on my part, and an acknowledgement of what I have been consciously unaware of, but it has been necessary to finding a way forward. This will be an ongoing journey as new symptoms show up that need to be looked at.

I know now that there is a lot of unreleased trauma in my body that is a contributing factor in not healing mentally or physically and I know now what needs to be done to improve. There is only so much that the medical profession can do, I believe the rest of the responsibility lies with us in digging deeper to find the causes and the answers. In many ways, that in itself becomes empowering.

Take care all.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo,

Just checking in to see how you are going? No need to respond if you are needing to take a break. I hope the iron infusion has worked and you are feeling better and stronger.

Take good care and supportive hugs 🤗💖🌸

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

Thank you for checking in on me. To be honest, I am just feeling overwhelmed with things at present and that always makes me shut down for a while. Nothing to be concerned about, just my coping mechanism.

I have been paying off some roses that I had planned to prepare the garden for but that came to a halt with the fatigue and now I have 18 bare rooted roses that I will have to pot up for the time being because the garden isn't anywhere near ready to plant them. I feel like I have been living under a 'Murphy's Law' cloud this year. Another one of my small appliances just decided to stop working. I found a short term $40 solution to the hot water situation, a camp shower which plugs into my jump start battery that pumps water from a bucket so at least I can heat up some water for a shower. The iron infusion has made a small amount of difference but it is very slow going, I have a little more energy to cook and do a few things that need to be done but I still need to pace myself. I really do think that chronic fatigue is playing a role along with the gut issues preventing full absorption of nutrients. My diet is pretty good so that is the only thing I can put it down to. There is a naturopath here (not the same one I saw years ago and didn't like) who is also a nutritionist so plan to see her when I can afford to. My hope is that we can work on a plan together to get things working correctly and tweak my diet to make sure I am getting enough iron and zinc in my meals each day. My back is feeling better now but I do get aching in my back when I am standing cooking for more than about half hour so have an appointment with a podiatrist in a few weeks to check things out. I have been purchasing some supportive shoes (nice ones 😅) because I feel this problem is stemming from aches needing more support these days. What fun it is getting old!!

Okay, enough with my ranting.

How are you ER, are you seeing improvement and have you decided what you want to do about therapy?

I'll be back on the forum soon, just need to get on top of a few things first. I will check in for messages though in the meantime.

Thank you for your ongoing support, warm hugs coming your way.

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo,

I totally understand about the overwhelm and you’ve had so much going on. It must be frustrating with the roses. Sometimes things can only be done incrementally can’t they. I remember you talking about the roses when you were first getting them. I’m glad you can at least have a warm/hot shower. Is that something you can place in your actual shower indoors or have you had to place it outdoors? I’m hoping you can affix it indoors somehow so you aren’t getting shivery outdoors. 

It’s good if the iron infusion is making a little difference but I wish it was a bigger difference for you. It could well be a chronic fatigue thing combined with gut issues. It can get expensive with a naturopath, especially with no Medicare rebate plus the cost of supplements. I saw my naturopath in the town he works in recently and he said to email him to let him know how I’m going, as he’s aware I’m having to watch things financially and haven’t had an appointment in ages. So it was nice of him to care enough to say that. He’s told me that if the supplements get too much to afford to let him know and he’ll identify the most important ones and I can drop some out. In my case, the supplementation has fundamentally changed my microbiome and changed the course of my liver disease so I feel it’s worth it, but it really is a cost over time. So if you see the naturopath I’d definitely get her to prioritise the most significantly helpful ones over others. I’m glad you have the nice, supportive shoes.

Yes, I am seeing improvement. I still get some episodes of fear on waking, even after really peaceful, positive dreams. So it’s so obvious to me the fear is an automated response from the most primal place below the level of all thought, conscious and unconscious. The EMDR dislodged stuff that took on a life of its own that was previously compartmentalised in my brain. They are automated nervous system response memories that go back to the very beginning of life. But slowly my brain and body are recovering.

I’ve now seen two therapists in person. I’ve also communicated with a psychologist who is specialised in DID who sounds excellent but is fully booked. Of the people she recommended, the person I contacted is also fully booked. He had three other options to recommend and the one of those who also seemed the best fit is fully booked. So my sense is that psychologists who specialise in DID are in high demand. It’s a more prevalent condition than it was previously understood to be and there’s more awareness of it now, but a lack of truly experienced and knowledgeable therapists out there. But I’ve been back in contact with my existing psych and have worked through various issues with her. I’ve directly expressed my exact concerns and trust issues. She has been kind and responsive and I may be able to work things out with her after all. I’ve been completely open with her about everything I’m doing, including talking with other psychs. Basically I’m doing pretty well with the dissociative issues which are actually much easier to deal with now since they’ve become more overt instead of covert. My internal system has good communication and is acting in a self-healing way, so all I may need is to check in with someone from time to time as a source of witnessing and co-regulation to help things along. But otherwise I think I can manage quite well on my own now.

I do hope you can catch a break soon and not have so many different things to contend with. Getting older is a bummer isn’t it. I had a fall about a week ago and I’m still very sore. It can be a challenge working out our physical limits and what we can do compared to in the past, as well as how long it may take to recover from things. Something I’ve found helpful for the body as a whole is Bowen therapy, but I know that’s another cost. I’m hoping you can get a Medicare rebate with the podiatrist. There’s something called an Enhanced Primary Care Plan you can do with your GP that gives you rebates for up to 5 sessions with various types of practitioners, and I’m pretty sure podiatry is included.

Take good care of yourself and wishing you healing 🙏🌸💖🤗

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I can set up the camp shower in my bathroom. My shower is over a bath so I can suction cup shower head to the tiles, put the pump into a bucket of warm water and keep the jump start battery at a distance with the curtain in-between. I also have a bar radiator on the wall so I can stay warm without having the water pumping non-stop and the head has an adjustment for the water output so it is as good a temporary measure as I can get. Just need to fill an extra bucket to wash my hair. Thank goodness I don't need to be outside, my house was only 3 degrees warmer than my refrigerator this morning.

Probably the most frustrating thing about the roses is that potting them means additional cost for potting mix that I can ill afford right now. I ended up buying plastic 9lt buckets from Kmart, they are only $1 each and big enough for the time being. Just need to drill holes in the bottom for drainage and re-use them in the future for plants temporarily. I really hate it when the finances are spread so thin, but when you are forced to, you can usually find a cheaper solution to a problem.

My doctor actually set up that plan for me the day I had my infusion so I was able to see my physio twice to sort out the back problem and still have 3 available for the podiatrist but they require full payment up front, then they put the Medicare rebate through for you and you wait for that to be paid back, hence my appointment is around the end of September to give me time to put the money together.

I do have some extras cover but sadly doesn't include naturopathy, so it might be a while before I can see her. Funny you mentioned Bowen Therapy because she does that also. It's really good that your health is improved with the naturopath's help and so kind of him to extend those offers to you. If only western medicine doctors cared about their patients in the same way, but then again, they are forced to adhere to a ridiculously tight schedule of appointments, where would they find the time. Our medical system really needs a good overhaul, they should be encouraging people to treat their ailments naturally instead of only covering people for what 'big pharma' have to offer.

One good thing has come out of the past few months, since I started eating the organic produce, I have started losing weight again. That tells me that my system has started to detox and is happy not dealing with all the chemicals. For many years now I have only used natural based soaps and cleaners, I have always had skin sensitivity to things like everyday soaps, they make my skin come out in a rash, so it stands to reason that my insides are probably equally sensitive.

I am very glad to hear you are seeing improvement and it sounds like you are able to sleep better. It's a pity the psychs that would be the most helpful for you are fully booked. Do they have waiting lists at all? I am sure these past months have been a huge learning curve for you, dealing with things that were previously compartmentalised and things that you were not necessarily fully conscious of. I have no doubt that you do understand overwhelm with all that you have been going through. I wasn't always this way, I was very good at keeping things in my mind (like appointments) and handling whatever came up without feeling panicked when I was caring for family members, but the level of stress took a big toll on my nervous system and body in general. Now, when I am faced with too many things at once, I start to crumble, turns out I am not superwoman after all 😉. It's good you are working things out with your current psych, if you are able to work with her again, at least you won't be starting from scratch again with someone new.

I hope the rest of the week brings some sunshine your way.

Hugs and wishing you healing too.

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo,

I'm really glad you can set up the camp shower indoors. My first mental picture was an outdoor shower and I was thinking poor indigo, it must be freezing. It's good you have the bar radiator too. I think it's generally colder in Victoria than here in WA, apart perhaps from some inland areas here. So finding ways to keep yourself warm is important.

You are very good at coming up with alternate plans when finances are spread thin. I hope by the spring that you will be starting to really improve and that preparing the garden beds and getting the roses in will be easier. Certainly spring days can be uplifting and may help provide some renewed energy.

That's great you have the Enhanced Primary Care Plan set up. It's a bummer that you can't just have the amount automatically deducted so you don't have to pay the full fee upfront. I've used that plan for my psychologist after using up my 10 sessions of a Mental Health Care Plan. To me, given people who are on those plans are often financially vulnerable, it would make sense to allow a deduction at the time of the service, if the system could be re-arranged a bit.

Yes, the conventional GPs really are so limited both by the time allocated to patients and the scope of what they can do. They have their very set approaches which are good for ruling out certain basic things (e.g. via standard blood tests), but so often the follow up beyond that is inadequate. And so often they have a set procedure of automatically prescribing pharmaceuticals before they have really got to fully understand the patient's situation and how their health got to be where it's at. Pharmaceuticals have their place and I've been grateful to them at various times, but more and more I am trying to solve things at their source. The naturopath gets closer to that and has been like a million times more helpful in solving what's happening in my body. But even he says to me at the end of the day it's often in the nervous system and that is often how things like the gut have become dysregulated in the first place. In my own life I can really see that - that physiological and associated emotional dysregulation (via trauma) is the basis of literally every health challenge I have.

That's really interesting about the organic products. I'm glad you are experiencing benefits. You are inspiring me to go to a neighbouring town that has a farmer's market where I believe they have some organic produce. It is something I like to support. I do often choose certified organic products at the supermarket and some of those are not bad in price now, including olive oil, coconut milk and the coffee I often get. But it's extra nice to eat organically produced fresh produce in the form of fruits and veggies.

The DID specialists who I either contacted or looked up seemed to not have waiting lists from the info provided. If I keep searching high and low I might find someone. But I have been communicating with my current psych back and forth and I think things are healing there and my trust is returning. I think the whole thing of me presenting with a dissociative disorder was a bit of a shock for her as it was for me and so she hadn't really adjusted to that when she thought she could start the EMDR. She has told me she is now going extra carefully with other clients and very gently titrating the process, delaying EMDR even if the client wants to start it. So it's been a learning process for her and she said she's sorry it was at my expense. I had to get angry for a bit and I've raised various concerns I've had with her directly and she has responded kindly and positively. So I am going to see her again fairly soon. I feel I've made peace with it and that was the outcome I wanted, to repair the rupture. With something like DID/OSDD, it either requires a very experienced practitioner or someone who is willing to learn and grow with their client. There are many good things about my psych, so if she can adapt and learn it would be of benefit for both of us. So it all feels more positive now.

I hope you may have some sunshine where you are. Sleep well indigo and sending you warm hugs 🤗

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

Just a quick note to let you know about an author you may want to check out if you haven't already done so. Her name is Arielle Schwartz phd and has a couple of books on cptsd and others on trauma. Has trained with Bessel van der Kolk and Stephen Porges and has a background of lived experience which I think may be similar to yours. There may also be something on youtube, I haven't looked but it's a good chance. Thought she may be of some help to you.

Hope you are having a good week.

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks indigo!

Yes, I'm familiar with Arielle Schwartz. I have read some things by her, watched podcast interviews with her, etc. She has some quite helpful info.

My week was tough at the start but improving a lot. I'm feeling some positive and hopeful feelings going forward. Some things are falling into place and new possibilities are opening up.

I hope you are having a good week and keeping warm. Take good care and thinking of you 🙏🤗💖

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

Glad you have already looked into Arielle, saw her in an interview on the Shift Network for a course that she will be running in the coming week or two. I thought of you after listening to that.

My lower back has been swearing at me today. I managed to get 15 roses potted yesterday (with a few rest breaks), but ran out of energy for the final 3. Had hoped to get them done today but it has been blowing a gale and raining all day so maybe tomorrow. They are certainly watered in well at least 😉.

I'm so glad to hear your week has improved, this has been a roller-coaster ride for you for months now. Once I am caught up with things, I will have more time to do longer posts. You are always in my thoughts though.

Sleep well and I hope you have a great weekend.

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks indigo,

I hope the back was feeling better today. Take it easy and rest well. Does using heat packs help? Glad you got most of the roses potted and hope perhaps you got to complete the last 3 today.

I saw the Arielle course on the Shift Network too though I haven't watched the video about it, but it looks quite comprehensive just from a quick look at the outline and like it integrates across a number of areas. I'll watch the video too, just to learn more about how she's approaching things. I don't think I'll do the course as I expect it will cost a bit, but it's good to know what is happening out there.

I hope your weekend is going really well too. I caught up with some family friends from long ago who came to visit me today and it was good to have a chat with them.

Sleep well and warm hugs 🤗

ER

[Croix]

'Evening All

I've never heard of roses being inebriated, how did you manage that?

C